Soft Place to Land

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. –Proverbs 31:11
 

 

 

Ever wonder why some people stay so late at work? Ever thought that it could be because they don’t want to go home? As sad as it sounds, there are some people who dread going home. Though the reasons vary, it usually has something to do with their

relationship with their spouse. For some, it’s a nagging or quarrelsome partner. For others, it’s a lack of feeling appreciated. In a world filled with so much uncertainty and inconsistency, it’s important to have a soft place to land in your partner.

{MY LESSON}
In 2007, my mentor shared this precious nugget with me that has molded our marriage: “Be Tristen’s soft place to land.” At the time, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that. But as life handed us triumphs and trials, I learned how to be a consistent supporter, encourager, listener and friend.

He lost his job. He got a speeding ticket. He forgot to pick up the milk. He didn’t get the promotion. He got a pay cut. No matter what life hands him, it’s important for your life partner to know that he has a soft place to land. This doesn’t mean that as his wife you won’t be disappointed or get upset with him. But it does mean that you won’t dwell on the matter and hold it over his head for the rest of his life. If the tables were turned, we would certainly want the same grace.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
1. CHOOSE to be his soft place to land. This will require some effort if you’re not used to it. Take small steps.

2. CHOOSE to stay calm and not get angry when he delivers bad news. He’s already feeling bad about the matter and dreads letting you down.

3. OFFER encouragement. Take the time to put a kind sticky note in his lunch. Send him a text during the day letting him know you’re proud of him. Cook his favorite meal just because.

4. RESPECT him. Real men live by a universal code centered around respect. The greatest way to show him that you’re on his side is to respect him.

As with all of my CC’s Pieces, I encourage you to be the change you want to see. If you desire for your partner to be your soft place to land, become theirs first. Marriage takes work. The good news is that with time, some of this will become second nature to you and you’ll desire to keep your spouse happy.

Be each other’s soft place to land.

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Thank You

“…in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” –1Thessalonianas 5:18

How much does a “thank you” cost these days? Oh, it’s free, you say? Well great! Your spouse would like to hear it more often, and not just only on your anniversary, birthday, and Christmas. He would like to hear it whenever he takes out the trash. Whenever he makes the bed. Whenever he helps the k...ids with their homework. Whenever he changes the lightbulb in the bedroom. WHENEVER he does something to make your life easier as his wife.

Somewhere between jumping the broom and putting the kids through college, showing appreciation starts to dwindle. Perhaps we assume that our mate already knows how much we appreciate them. Or maybe we think, “He’s supposed to do that—it’s his responsibility as the head of the household!” But just like you never get tired of him telling you that you’re beautiful…he never gets tired of hearing “thank you.”

 

{MY LESSON}
The most valuable lesson that I’ve learned is that positive reinforcement creates good habits, not asking him over and over again to do something. At first, I thought

Tristen just didn’t want to take out the trash. He knew that trash days were on Tuesdays and Fridays. But the truth was when he leaves to go to work, he has a lot on his mind and taking the trash out to the curb isn’t one of them. So I started dragging the trashcan to the middle of the garage to remind him that it was trash day. That helped a lot, but when I started sending him text messages that said, “I appreciate you taking out the trash today”, he instantaneously started remembering to take out the trash on his own! Wa-la! It’s magic!
 
{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
This will probably be the easiest CC’s Pieces to put into action because there’s only one thing you have to do: JUST SAY IT. Never underestimate the power of a “thank you”. Showing sincere appreciation goes much further than complaining or not showing any thanks at all. Just think about how your heart warms when your child squeals, “Thanks mommy!”

{DIGGING A LITTLE DEEPER}
Our Black men have a number of odds working against them, so when one decides to get married and work hard to do the right thing by his family, that is to be CELEBRATED. Our men can’t hear “thank you” enough. He may never tell you, but as his wife, you must remember that he too needs to feel appreciated. So if you’re having trouble with getting your beau to do his part, start giving out free thank-you’s and watch him transform into the husband and father you prayed for him to be.

No one ever gets tired of hearing “Thank You”.

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Time Apart

"Research and experience confirm that time away from one’s spouse actually strengthens the marital bond.” – Michelle Van Loon, author If Only: Letting Go of Regret

SAY WHAAAAAAAT? This can’t be true. I thought only togetherness strengthens a marriage? The truth is our marriage goes through seasons. If you and your spouse are in the season of rearing children, you may see time together as extremely important and find yourselves planning quick trips away alone together. As the years grow and you find yourselves as “empty nesters”, you and your spouse may be able to appreciate the benefits of spending time apart for personal development, time to catch up with old friends, volunteering, learning a new craft, or simply relaxing.

 

 

{MY LESSON}
As I look back on 8 years of being married to Tristen, I have found that I am more content, at peace and fulfilled as a wife and as a woman. There are many factors that contribute to this, but the biggest one is that he allowed me the time and space to grow in spending some time apart. When we made the decision to not have children, naturally that meant we had a lot of time for togetherness. But we agreed very early on in our relationship that spending short periods of time apart was healthy and just as important as spending time together. It never fails—every time he returns home from being away, I’m SO excited to see him that I nearly break my neck running to the door to greet him!

Here’s something you’ll find interesting. According to Iris Krasnow, author of The Secret Lives of Women: Women Share What It Really Take to Stay Married: “Strategic absences can make spouse's hearts grow fonder.” She also found that, “the happiest wives have a sense of purpose and passion in work and causes outside of the home. Wives who counted on a spouse for fulfillment and sustenance were often angry and lonely.”

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
If this is an area of improvement for you and your mate, here are a few helpful tips:

1. GET ON THE SAME PAGE. Sit down together and agree that time apart is just as important as time together.

2. DEFINE “TIME APART”. For the wife, that may mean spending one weekend per month with her girlfriends. For the husband, that may mean staying at home to relax or improving his golf game.

3. CHECK IN. Whenever you’re apart, send a quick text message or make a quick call to your spouse to let him/her know you’re thinking about them. (This is especially helpful if you have a mate who is having a hard time adjusting to the time apart concept.)

4. DON’T ABUSE IT! Spending time apart requires trust, and trust is not easily regained when broken. Be wise about how you choose to spend your time apart.

The goal of temporary separations isn't to encourage couples to grow apart; it's to come back together in order to move forward. When done correctly, not only will you both find yourselves more fulfilled as individuals, but you will also develop an even tighter marriage bond. So give it a try. Prove me wrong.

Time apart is just as important as time together.

Credits:http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/october/taking-break-from-your-spouse.html?paging=off

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Don't Abandon Your Enjoyments

Besides being a mother, being a wife is one of the most selfless titles a woman can ever have. Women are constant nurturers and caregivers who give so much of ourselves that if we’re not careful, we will lose our very own identity. God has given all of us unique gifts, talents and interests that should not be tossed out the window just because our title changes to “wife” or “husband”. If you have a spouse who is struggling in this area, he/she needs your support and encouragement.

{MY LESSON}
During the first few years of being married, I was “Team Tristen” to the core. I made my interests his interests. My time was his time. Most of this was by choice because when you’re courting/newly married, part of you desires to be with your mate every waking moment. But as we well know, life is in seasons.

Around year five in our marriage, I found myself transitioning into a new season of self re-discovery. With the onset of going natural in 2010, I began to unearth hidden talents and interests that I didn’t know I had. From fitness, to modeling, to dancing, I was gradually being re-introduced to myself. Initially, it felt awkward spending time apart, almost like a sin! But no matter what new interest I found, Tristen gave his unwavering support and cheered me on. Essentially, he gave me room to be me and to grow.

I genuinely believe that because of Tristen's selflessness, our marriage has thrived. But here’s the key: We balanced our time between sharing common interests and cultivating our own individual enjoyments. Along the way, we both learned the art of sacrificing our own preferences for the betterment of the other. For example, I’m not passionate about football, but he is, so I attend football watch parties with him. He’s not passionate about dancing, but I am, so he will attend dance classes with me to show his support.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” This also applies to the marriage bond. Sacrificing your own interests for the betterment of your relationship is truly what marriage is about.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
It’s important for husbands and wives to share common interests, but not abandon their individual enjoyments. If this is an area that you want to work on with your spouse, here are a few tips to help:

1. Have an open conversation with your spouse. “Honey, I miss taking art classes. For me, it is therapeutic and allows me some time to unwind after a long week with the kids.”

2. Discuss an action plan. “I would like to have one weekend per month, for one hour, to take art classes. Can you watch the kids for me while I’m gone?”

3. Show your appreciation. “Honey, I really appreciate you understanding how important this is to me. I love you and the kids very much, and I appreciate you all reciprocating that love by giving me the time to enjoy my art classes.”

Husbands, here’s a helpful tip: If you see that your wife is becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the day-to-day life tasks, now would be a great time to introduce this CC’s Pieces to her and encourage her to break away to do something she enjoys. Just watch how rejuvenated she will return home!

Share common interests, but don’t abandon your enjoyments.

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UNDERSTAND. UNDERSTOOD.

 

UGH! HE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME!!  Question (answer truthfully!): When you’re having a discussion with your mate, do you typically seek first to understand or to be understood?

While having date night with a couple of friends, the question came up from one of the ladies, “How can I effectively communicate with him?” (pointing to her date). She went on to explain that she feels like he doesn’...t understand her and she feels it may be because they don’t really know how to communicate with one another. When I asked her the same question, do you seek to understand or to be understood, she answered truthfully, “to be understood.” After thinking about it for a second, she began to realize where their breakdown in communication was stemming from.

Effective communication is an art and can take time for some to grasp ahold to, especially since we live in a world now where we let our fingers do most of the talking. We also become too consumed with proving a point and convincing the other person that we’re right and they’re wrong. But everything should not always be about being right/wrong. Remember, you and your mate are on the same team!

{MY LESSON}
This is an area that I work on daily, but I've seen great improvement in how I communicate with Tristen since 2007, the year we got married. As a new wife, I allowed my communication to be controlled by my emotions, and as we all know, men don't respond too kindly to that! I remember saying to Tristen quite often "You don't understand me!" Never did it occur to me that I needed to first seek to understand him (must be one of the side effects of being an only child). But Tristen remained patient with me as I worked through it, and with time and MUCH prayer, God transformed how I communicated with him. Yes, wives, you will still have moments where you revert back to your old communication style (seeking to be understood). But with time, those occurrences become few and far between.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Here are ways you can get back on track with communicating effectively with your spouse:

• Seek to understand first.
In order to do this, you have to allow your mate to complete their thoughts without interruption and show that you are ACTIVELY listening. Active listening means that you are focused on their words, tone of voice, and body language. Active listening means you are not formulating what your next response is going to be so you can one-up your spouse.

• Summarize what your spouse has expressed in order to show you are listening and engaged.
Example: “So what I hear you saying, Tristen, is that you don’t like it when I leave the cap off the toothpaste because it gets messy, right?”

• Respond in love, not tit-for-tat.
As a defense mechanism, sometimes when our spouse expresses they're upset with us, we retaliate with something else they've done to deflect the attention off of us. But the most effective way to deal with an upset spouse is to respond in love.
Example: “Well, I apologize Tristen for leaving the cap off the toothpaste. I was in a hurry, so I forgot to put it back on. I will be more mindful of that next time.”

Note: Remember that communication is about presentation as well. If you’re the one who is expressing a fault to your spouse, be mindful of your tone and how you’re expressing your concerns. Remember, “It’s not always about what you say, but how you say it.”

Seek first to understand. Then to be unserstood.

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