Embrace Change

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." –2 Corinthians 5:17

“I’ve been like this my whole life! I’M NOT CHANGING!” Hopefully, you will never have to hear your spouse say this to you, but chances are (if she’s human), she will say it at least once during your marriage. Usually when one says they can’t/won’t change something, it’s because they are afraid of what the change will produce. But one thing in marriage that is inevitable is CHANGE. Marriages go through seasons, and seasons change. A sure sign of a healthy marriage is the couple’s ability to adapt to these changes.
 

 

                                                                     {
MY LESSON}
I have long legs. Never thought this would turn into an issue until one day,  Tristen brought it to my attention that I often walked in front of him instead of alongside him. My initial response was defensive, “I have long legs, so naturally, I have wider strides. Keep up!” Though I wasn’t intentionally walking in front of him, this really bothered him. I insisted that he was walking too slowly, but after I started to realize how upset this made him, I began looking for a solution.

When you find yourself struggling with change, no matter how big or small, that means that it’s time to start relying on God. When I began praying and seeking God on the matter, He made my heart more sensitive towards Tristen’s concern and gave me ways to help combat the issue. As with any habit, it doesn’t change overnight and you may find yourself slipping back into it periodically. But after much prayer and a desire to improve in this area, I do better with walking alongside Tristen.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
When tackling this CC’s Pieces, it’s important to keep in mind that it’s not about being right and proving your partner wrong. It’s about compromise and being willing to make a change for the betterment of your marriage.

1. Ask yourself, “What’s one thing that my spouse really desires that I change?”

2. Seek God on the issue and ask him to give you the desire to change. You have to want to change before you can start seeing a true change.

3. Let your partner know that you understand their concern and that you have a desire to change. This step is important because your partner needs to be aware that you are working on the issue. Usually, he will give you room while you’re adjusting to the change.

4. Get to work! Try different methods if the first method doesn’t work. If it’s important to your partner, don’t give up until you find a solution!

Embrace Change. It’s not going anywhere.

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Know Your Purpose

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
–Jeremiah 1:5

So when are ya’ll getting married? DONE. So when are ya’ll buying a house? DONE. So when are ya’ll having a baby? DONE. So when are ya’ll having ANOTHER baby? DONE. So when are ya’ll…HALT! STOP! PINEAPPLES! What the heck is going on here? The pressure to do everything and to be everything is starting to weigh on me.

Ever had that conversation with yourself? The truth is, most of us won’t admit to it because we don’t want to disappoint someone else (sometimes, our own spouse). But let’s take a moment to stop. Take a deep breath. Whatever season you’re in—singlehood, married, widowed, divorced, parenting, caring for an elderly parent---if you are seeking to live God’s purpose, then you are RIGHT WHERE HE WANTS YOU TO BE.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I spent the first 6 years of our marriage dodging the “when are you going to have a baby” question. I have to admit, some of our friends were pretty convincing, “You two would be AWESOME parents!” and “There’s nothing like having your own baby. You will never be the same.” AND my favorite, “How are you going to pass down your legacy if you don’t have children?” And with the nicest smile we could muster, we kindly responded with... “IT’S NOT OUR MINISTRY!” Some find it selfish, but before you draw that conclusion about someone, make sure you understand the reason for their decision.

Our personal reason for not wanting to have children did not come out of selfishness. It had nothing to do with wanting to pursue our careers over raising a family, ill feelings towards children, or being afraid to raise children. In fact, when we first got married, we agreed to have at least one child. But as we grew together and began to seek our purpose in life, we realized that God had a different calling on our life: to serve and take care of those who are already here on earth. Yes, children are most certainly a gift from God. But He also gives us free will to choose whether or not we want them. There is no biblical injunction that requires anyone to have children, so although children are a gift from God, He can and does bless those who walk with Him by faith, whether or not they are parents.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
First, understand that your marriage is a ministry. People are watching to see how you handle life’s throws, and they need to see that there is still hope for having a successful marriage. Have a very open conversation with your spouse about your purpose as a married couple. Maybe it’s to help at risk youth. Or it could be to mentor and counsel younger married couples. For others, it could be to serve in the community and address social injustices. Whatever it is, get a very clear understanding of God's purpose…and then live it out confidently.

Know your purpose. And then live it confidently.

Credit: http://www.gotquestions.org/should-I-have-children.html

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Soft Place to Land

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. –Proverbs 31:11
 

 

 

Ever wonder why some people stay so late at work? Ever thought that it could be because they don’t want to go home? As sad as it sounds, there are some people who dread going home. Though the reasons vary, it usually has something to do with their

relationship with their spouse. For some, it’s a nagging or quarrelsome partner. For others, it’s a lack of feeling appreciated. In a world filled with so much uncertainty and inconsistency, it’s important to have a soft place to land in your partner.

{MY LESSON}
In 2007, my mentor shared this precious nugget with me that has molded our marriage: “Be Tristen’s soft place to land.” At the time, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that. But as life handed us triumphs and trials, I learned how to be a consistent supporter, encourager, listener and friend.

He lost his job. He got a speeding ticket. He forgot to pick up the milk. He didn’t get the promotion. He got a pay cut. No matter what life hands him, it’s important for your life partner to know that he has a soft place to land. This doesn’t mean that as his wife you won’t be disappointed or get upset with him. But it does mean that you won’t dwell on the matter and hold it over his head for the rest of his life. If the tables were turned, we would certainly want the same grace.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
1. CHOOSE to be his soft place to land. This will require some effort if you’re not used to it. Take small steps.

2. CHOOSE to stay calm and not get angry when he delivers bad news. He’s already feeling bad about the matter and dreads letting you down.

3. OFFER encouragement. Take the time to put a kind sticky note in his lunch. Send him a text during the day letting him know you’re proud of him. Cook his favorite meal just because.

4. RESPECT him. Real men live by a universal code centered around respect. The greatest way to show him that you’re on his side is to respect him.

As with all of my CC’s Pieces, I encourage you to be the change you want to see. If you desire for your partner to be your soft place to land, become theirs first. Marriage takes work. The good news is that with time, some of this will become second nature to you and you’ll desire to keep your spouse happy.

Be each other’s soft place to land.

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Goals for Your Marriage

“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” –Proverbs 29:18
 

Every year around this time, we begin scribbling out our New Year’s resolutions—exercise more, find a mate, save more. Ironically, very few couples take the time to sit down together to plan their marriage goals. This is mostly because we have the mindset that once we get married, everything else will be fine and we will live happily ever after. But if you’re married, you know that it takes work to keep this boat afloat! Statistics show that nearly 50% of U.S. marriages end in divorce. This is largely because couples spend more time tending to everything else, but neglect the very thing that matters most—their marriage.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I started marriage goal planning a few years ago after my ex-boss shared her experience with doing it with her husband. The first time we shared, I was surprised to learn some of Tristen’s goals. I didn’t know that he desired to achieve so much! I realized at that moment how important it was for us to have this annual goal setting for our marriage.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Designate one person to write down the goals and store it somewhere safe to revisit during the year. I usually keep track of it in my phone and email it to Tristen.

1. Individual Goals- lose 50 lbs. by November, get certification by the end of the year, read 1 book per month

2. Household Goals- save $500/month for 6 month safety net, clean out garage by the end of March, cook at least 3 times per week

3. Marriage goals- This is the time to ask yourselves, “What do I want my relationship to look like?” Set aside 1 hour of quality time in the evening where no cell phones are allowed, be intimate at least 3 times per week, put into practice 1 CC’s Pieces per week

The objective is to list 2-4 goals under each category. Keeping the list short increases the likelihood of achieving your goals because you’re able to focus on a few things at a time. It’s also important to be specific and quantify your goals as much as possible (i.e. lose 50 lbs. by November). Don’t forget to discuss what obstacles may come up when working towards your goals and possible solutions!

Marriage does not have to be a struggle. Setting goals in your marriage is just as important as setting your professional and personal goals. In fact, your marriage should take first priority over your career, finances and children. Ultimately, your relationship with your spouse will determine how successful you are outside of the home. So, let’s start a new annual tradition: setting marriage goals.

Don’t forget. Plan goals for your marriage.

Credit: http://www.goalsettingstrategies.com/goals_for_marriages.html

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Thank You

“…in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” –1Thessalonianas 5:18

How much does a “thank you” cost these days? Oh, it’s free, you say? Well great! Your spouse would like to hear it more often, and not just only on your anniversary, birthday, and Christmas. He would like to hear it whenever he takes out the trash. Whenever he makes the bed. Whenever he helps the k...ids with their homework. Whenever he changes the lightbulb in the bedroom. WHENEVER he does something to make your life easier as his wife.

Somewhere between jumping the broom and putting the kids through college, showing appreciation starts to dwindle. Perhaps we assume that our mate already knows how much we appreciate them. Or maybe we think, “He’s supposed to do that—it’s his responsibility as the head of the household!” But just like you never get tired of him telling you that you’re beautiful…he never gets tired of hearing “thank you.”

 

{MY LESSON}
The most valuable lesson that I’ve learned is that positive reinforcement creates good habits, not asking him over and over again to do something. At first, I thought

Tristen just didn’t want to take out the trash. He knew that trash days were on Tuesdays and Fridays. But the truth was when he leaves to go to work, he has a lot on his mind and taking the trash out to the curb isn’t one of them. So I started dragging the trashcan to the middle of the garage to remind him that it was trash day. That helped a lot, but when I started sending him text messages that said, “I appreciate you taking out the trash today”, he instantaneously started remembering to take out the trash on his own! Wa-la! It’s magic!
 
{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
This will probably be the easiest CC’s Pieces to put into action because there’s only one thing you have to do: JUST SAY IT. Never underestimate the power of a “thank you”. Showing sincere appreciation goes much further than complaining or not showing any thanks at all. Just think about how your heart warms when your child squeals, “Thanks mommy!”

{DIGGING A LITTLE DEEPER}
Our Black men have a number of odds working against them, so when one decides to get married and work hard to do the right thing by his family, that is to be CELEBRATED. Our men can’t hear “thank you” enough. He may never tell you, but as his wife, you must remember that he too needs to feel appreciated. So if you’re having trouble with getting your beau to do his part, start giving out free thank-you’s and watch him transform into the husband and father you prayed for him to be.

No one ever gets tired of hearing “Thank You”.

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Time Apart

"Research and experience confirm that time away from one’s spouse actually strengthens the marital bond.” – Michelle Van Loon, author If Only: Letting Go of Regret

SAY WHAAAAAAAT? This can’t be true. I thought only togetherness strengthens a marriage? The truth is our marriage goes through seasons. If you and your spouse are in the season of rearing children, you may see time together as extremely important and find yourselves planning quick trips away alone together. As the years grow and you find yourselves as “empty nesters”, you and your spouse may be able to appreciate the benefits of spending time apart for personal development, time to catch up with old friends, volunteering, learning a new craft, or simply relaxing.

 

 

{MY LESSON}
As I look back on 8 years of being married to Tristen, I have found that I am more content, at peace and fulfilled as a wife and as a woman. There are many factors that contribute to this, but the biggest one is that he allowed me the time and space to grow in spending some time apart. When we made the decision to not have children, naturally that meant we had a lot of time for togetherness. But we agreed very early on in our relationship that spending short periods of time apart was healthy and just as important as spending time together. It never fails—every time he returns home from being away, I’m SO excited to see him that I nearly break my neck running to the door to greet him!

Here’s something you’ll find interesting. According to Iris Krasnow, author of The Secret Lives of Women: Women Share What It Really Take to Stay Married: “Strategic absences can make spouse's hearts grow fonder.” She also found that, “the happiest wives have a sense of purpose and passion in work and causes outside of the home. Wives who counted on a spouse for fulfillment and sustenance were often angry and lonely.”

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
If this is an area of improvement for you and your mate, here are a few helpful tips:

1. GET ON THE SAME PAGE. Sit down together and agree that time apart is just as important as time together.

2. DEFINE “TIME APART”. For the wife, that may mean spending one weekend per month with her girlfriends. For the husband, that may mean staying at home to relax or improving his golf game.

3. CHECK IN. Whenever you’re apart, send a quick text message or make a quick call to your spouse to let him/her know you’re thinking about them. (This is especially helpful if you have a mate who is having a hard time adjusting to the time apart concept.)

4. DON’T ABUSE IT! Spending time apart requires trust, and trust is not easily regained when broken. Be wise about how you choose to spend your time apart.

The goal of temporary separations isn't to encourage couples to grow apart; it's to come back together in order to move forward. When done correctly, not only will you both find yourselves more fulfilled as individuals, but you will also develop an even tighter marriage bond. So give it a try. Prove me wrong.

Time apart is just as important as time together.

Credits:http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/october/taking-break-from-your-spouse.html?paging=off

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Don't Abandon Your Enjoyments

Besides being a mother, being a wife is one of the most selfless titles a woman can ever have. Women are constant nurturers and caregivers who give so much of ourselves that if we’re not careful, we will lose our very own identity. God has given all of us unique gifts, talents and interests that should not be tossed out the window just because our title changes to “wife” or “husband”. If you have a spouse who is struggling in this area, he/she needs your support and encouragement.

{MY LESSON}
During the first few years of being married, I was “Team Tristen” to the core. I made my interests his interests. My time was his time. Most of this was by choice because when you’re courting/newly married, part of you desires to be with your mate every waking moment. But as we well know, life is in seasons.

Around year five in our marriage, I found myself transitioning into a new season of self re-discovery. With the onset of going natural in 2010, I began to unearth hidden talents and interests that I didn’t know I had. From fitness, to modeling, to dancing, I was gradually being re-introduced to myself. Initially, it felt awkward spending time apart, almost like a sin! But no matter what new interest I found, Tristen gave his unwavering support and cheered me on. Essentially, he gave me room to be me and to grow.

I genuinely believe that because of Tristen's selflessness, our marriage has thrived. But here’s the key: We balanced our time between sharing common interests and cultivating our own individual enjoyments. Along the way, we both learned the art of sacrificing our own preferences for the betterment of the other. For example, I’m not passionate about football, but he is, so I attend football watch parties with him. He’s not passionate about dancing, but I am, so he will attend dance classes with me to show his support.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” This also applies to the marriage bond. Sacrificing your own interests for the betterment of your relationship is truly what marriage is about.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
It’s important for husbands and wives to share common interests, but not abandon their individual enjoyments. If this is an area that you want to work on with your spouse, here are a few tips to help:

1. Have an open conversation with your spouse. “Honey, I miss taking art classes. For me, it is therapeutic and allows me some time to unwind after a long week with the kids.”

2. Discuss an action plan. “I would like to have one weekend per month, for one hour, to take art classes. Can you watch the kids for me while I’m gone?”

3. Show your appreciation. “Honey, I really appreciate you understanding how important this is to me. I love you and the kids very much, and I appreciate you all reciprocating that love by giving me the time to enjoy my art classes.”

Husbands, here’s a helpful tip: If you see that your wife is becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the day-to-day life tasks, now would be a great time to introduce this CC’s Pieces to her and encourage her to break away to do something she enjoys. Just watch how rejuvenated she will return home!

Share common interests, but don’t abandon your enjoyments.

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UNDERSTAND. UNDERSTOOD.

 

UGH! HE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME!!  Question (answer truthfully!): When you’re having a discussion with your mate, do you typically seek first to understand or to be understood?

While having date night with a couple of friends, the question came up from one of the ladies, “How can I effectively communicate with him?” (pointing to her date). She went on to explain that she feels like he doesn’...t understand her and she feels it may be because they don’t really know how to communicate with one another. When I asked her the same question, do you seek to understand or to be understood, she answered truthfully, “to be understood.” After thinking about it for a second, she began to realize where their breakdown in communication was stemming from.

Effective communication is an art and can take time for some to grasp ahold to, especially since we live in a world now where we let our fingers do most of the talking. We also become too consumed with proving a point and convincing the other person that we’re right and they’re wrong. But everything should not always be about being right/wrong. Remember, you and your mate are on the same team!

{MY LESSON}
This is an area that I work on daily, but I've seen great improvement in how I communicate with Tristen since 2007, the year we got married. As a new wife, I allowed my communication to be controlled by my emotions, and as we all know, men don't respond too kindly to that! I remember saying to Tristen quite often "You don't understand me!" Never did it occur to me that I needed to first seek to understand him (must be one of the side effects of being an only child). But Tristen remained patient with me as I worked through it, and with time and MUCH prayer, God transformed how I communicated with him. Yes, wives, you will still have moments where you revert back to your old communication style (seeking to be understood). But with time, those occurrences become few and far between.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Here are ways you can get back on track with communicating effectively with your spouse:

• Seek to understand first.
In order to do this, you have to allow your mate to complete their thoughts without interruption and show that you are ACTIVELY listening. Active listening means that you are focused on their words, tone of voice, and body language. Active listening means you are not formulating what your next response is going to be so you can one-up your spouse.

• Summarize what your spouse has expressed in order to show you are listening and engaged.
Example: “So what I hear you saying, Tristen, is that you don’t like it when I leave the cap off the toothpaste because it gets messy, right?”

• Respond in love, not tit-for-tat.
As a defense mechanism, sometimes when our spouse expresses they're upset with us, we retaliate with something else they've done to deflect the attention off of us. But the most effective way to deal with an upset spouse is to respond in love.
Example: “Well, I apologize Tristen for leaving the cap off the toothpaste. I was in a hurry, so I forgot to put it back on. I will be more mindful of that next time.”

Note: Remember that communication is about presentation as well. If you’re the one who is expressing a fault to your spouse, be mindful of your tone and how you’re expressing your concerns. Remember, “It’s not always about what you say, but how you say it.”

Seek first to understand. Then to be unserstood.

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Speak Positively

“Her husband is respected at the city gate..." --Proverbs 31:23

“Girl, he gets on my NERVES! He NEVER [fill in the blank] and he ALWAYS [fill in the blank]!” Sounds like a familiar conversation, wives? Sure. We get frustrated sometimes and need an outlet. But the city gate is NOT the place we need to go to vent! Why not?

If the city gate is meant to protect a city (in this case, your marriage/your husband) and keep intruders out, then as wives, we have to guard that gate by not inviting in the intruder.

{MY LESSON}
Although my mother and I are extremely close, I knew that in order for our marriage to survive, I had to close that gate when it came to discussing our marriage. We all know that mothers are protective and if your husband messes up, it takes FOREVER for them to forgive and move on!

Because I know that Tristen always has my best interest at heart (even when he has done something to upset me), I honor him by talking the issues out with him and seeking God for wisdom. If the issue is too big for us to handle alone, we have no problem with seeing a marriage counselor—this is healthy and should not be looked down upon.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Here’s what Proverbs 31 has to say about the virtuous woman in regards to her husband. Take a moment to ask yourself the questions given and make a concerted effort to be honest with yourself.

• She brings him good, not harm (v. 12)
-Do I bring my husband harm in what I say to him/about him? If so, how will I change that?

• Her husband is respected at the city gate (v. 23)
-Am I doing my part to ensure my husband is respected at the city gate? If not, how can I change that?

• Her husband praises her. (v. 28)
-Do I bring joy to my husband? When he thinks of me, is he proud to be married to me? If not, what can I start doing to change that?

May this CC’s Pieces bring healing and restoration to your marriage.

Honor him. Speak only positively of him in the gates.

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No Nagging!

BAM! Husbands, you can thank me in DSW coupons for this one. Wives, it took me a while to really catch on to this CC's Pieces, but I think I've got it down now!

NAG. NAG. NAG. This 3 - letter word wreaks havoc on so many marriages and unfortunately ladies, we're usually the culprit. Yes, we only mean well. BUT nagging ends up doing more harm than good (blame it on how God hardwired men). What end...s up happening is we push our husbands further into the very habit we're trying to get him to change. So how do I stop this vicious cycle, you ask? 

{YOU LEAD BY ACTION}

My Lesson : I nagged Mr. Sutton daily about working out with me. He wanted to go at his own pace, but I wanted him to go at turbo speed with me. He grew weary of me nagging, and I grew weary of nagging him. I prayed and prayed that God would change him, but then it dawned on me: I was praying the wrong prayer. Truthfully, I was frustrated with the fact that I was struggling with losing weight, not really with Tristen.

So I changed my prayer and asked God to help me focus on my own weight loss, and I would trust Him to do the same with Tristen. From that day forward, I didn't mention anything about the gym to him anymore. I worked out daily, changed my eating habits, and now one year later, I'm down 30+ pounds.

And guess who's in the gym more now and eating healthier?

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