When you have a disagreement with your husband, is it reminiscent of the Ike and Tina car scene where she kicks Ike a new one? For many marriages, it is. That’s why so many end in divorce—we haven’t conquered the art of communication with our spouse. Couples struggle in this area because we allow our emotions to drive our response to the issue. We see disagreements as personal attacks. But we, as wives, have much of the power in controlling the outcome of disagreements simply through our tongue and our tone.
{MY LESSON}
It’s funny how when Tristen Sutton and I have a disagreement, I hear myself talking in a calm, respectful manner. But what he sometimes hears is the complete opposite. “Why are you yelling and getting all excited?” he’ll ask. I used to get defensive and view our disagreements as a personal attack, and my response would come across the exact same way—loud. Defensive. But with time, I came to realize that neither one of us mean harm when we disagree, so there was no need to respond angrily. Today, we’ve come a long way in how we disagree, but to be sure we don’t backslide, I still take my time and listen to my tone when addressing him.
It’s funny how when Tristen Sutton and I have a disagreement, I hear myself talking in a calm, respectful manner. But what he sometimes hears is the complete opposite. “Why are you yelling and getting all excited?” he’ll ask. I used to get defensive and view our disagreements as a personal attack, and my response would come across the exact same way—loud. Defensive. But with time, I came to realize that neither one of us mean harm when we disagree, so there was no need to respond angrily. Today, we’ve come a long way in how we disagree, but to be sure we don’t backslide, I still take my time and listen to my tone when addressing him.
It’s easy to be carless with someone we live with and know well. But I’m convinced that if we can control ourselves at the workplace when speaking to our boss, surely we can do the same with our husband.
{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Every couple is different, but here are a few simple things we do to work through our disagreements. Make necessary adjustments to make this work for you and your husband:
Every couple is different, but here are a few simple things we do to work through our disagreements. Make necessary adjustments to make this work for you and your husband:
1. Agree to start off tough conversations with “Out of Love”. This was one of the very first CC’s Pieces that I shared, and I will say it again, it really works. Tristen and I have designated this as our “Disagreement Disarmer” to help each other prepare for conflict. Its purpose is to “disarm” your spouse so that when you share your thoughts, he can be prepared to listen and respond in a calm, respectful manner. In order for this to work though, both of you have to agree to the #1 rule—you can’t get mad!
2. Seek to understand, then to be understood. Before responding to your spouse’s concern, repeat back what they said to make sure you understand what the concern is. Sometimes in our haste to respond, we fail to understand what the true concern is. For example, if your husband says, “Honey, I don’t like it when you yell at me like that. You talk to me like I’m a child.” Your initial response should be, “Okay, so what I hear you saying is that I make you feel like a like child when I raise my voice at you, right?” And then give him an opportunity to confirm, “Yes, exactly.”
3. Respond in Love. Disagreements are not about being right. Relationships will have them at times, and it doesn’t mean that you’re poorly matched with someone. It simply means that you’re two different individuals striving to coexist peacefully. So when your spouse comes to you with something, don’t think of it as an attack. Think of it as an opportunity to improve your current situation and respond in love. “Okay, I understand where you’re coming from. I didn’t know you saw it that way, and it wasn’t my intent to come across that way. I’ll be more aware of that next time.”
4. Move on! Too much time is wasted in stewing over an issue long after it’s been resolved. Let go of the hurt feelings and move on!
You’ve heard it before, “Communication is Key.” Today, let’s commit to working on how we disagree. Every relationship experiences conflict from time to time, but combat is certainly optional.
It’s not your groan, it’s your tone.
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