It's not your groan. It's your tone.

"If it is possible, as much as it depends on you, live peaceably..." --Romans 12:18

When you have a disagreement with your husband, is it reminiscent of the Ike and Tina car scene where she kicks Ike a new one?  For many marriages, it is. That’s why so many end in divorce—we haven’t conquered the art of communication with our spouse. Couples struggle in this area because we allow our emotions to drive our response to the issue. We see disagreements as personal attacks. But we, as wives, have much of the power in controlling the outcome of disagreements simply through our tongue and our tone.

 

{MY LESSON}
It’s funny how when Tristen Sutton and I have a disagreement, I hear myself talking in a calm, respectful manner. But what he sometimes hears is the complete opposite. “Why are you yelling and getting all excited?” he’ll ask. I used to get defensive and view our disagreements as a personal attack, and my response would come across the exact same way—loud. Defensive. But with time, I came to realize that neither one of us mean harm when we disagree, so there was no need to respond angrily. Today, we’ve come a long way in how we disagree, but to be sure we don’t backslide, I still take my time and listen to my tone when addressing him.

It’s easy to be carless with someone we live with and know well. But I’m convinced that if we can control ourselves at the workplace when speaking to our boss, surely we can do the same with our husband.

 

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Every couple is different, but here are a few simple things we do to work through our disagreements. Make necessary adjustments to make this work for you and your husband:

 

1.       Agree to start off tough conversations with “Out of Love”. This was one of the very first CC’s Pieces that I shared, and I will say it again, it really works. Tristen and I have designated this as our “Disagreement Disarmer” to help each other prepare for conflict. Its purpose is to “disarm” your spouse so that when you share your thoughts, he can be prepared to listen and respond in a calm, respectful manner. In order for this to work though, both of you have to agree to the #1 rule—you can’t get mad!

 

2.       Seek to understand, then to be understood. Before responding to your spouse’s concern, repeat back what they said to make sure you understand what the concern is. Sometimes in our haste to respond, we fail to understand what the true concern is. For example, if your husband says, “Honey, I don’t like it when you yell at me like that. You talk to me like I’m a child.” Your initial response should be, “Okay, so what I hear you saying is that I make you feel like a like child when I raise my voice at you, right?” And then give him an opportunity to confirm, “Yes, exactly.”

 

3.       Respond in Love. Disagreements are not about being right. Relationships will have them at times, and it doesn’t mean that you’re poorly matched with someone. It simply means that you’re two different individuals striving to coexist peacefully. So when your spouse comes to you with something, don’t think of it as an attack. Think of it as an opportunity to improve your current situation and respond in love. “Okay, I understand where you’re coming from. I didn’t know you saw it that way, and it wasn’t my intent to come across that way. I’ll be more aware of that next time.”

 

4.       Move on! Too much time is wasted in stewing over an issue long after it’s been resolved. Let go of the hurt feelings and move on!

 

You’ve heard it before, “Communication is Key.” Today, let’s commit to working on how we disagree. Every relationship experiences conflict from time to time, but combat is certainly optional.

 
It’s not your groan, it’s your tone.

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Expectations -- The Silent Killer of Marriages

“The hope of the righteous brings joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish.”  -Proverbs 10:28

I read an interesting article over the weekend that really opened my eyes. In researching the top reasons why couples divorce, I frequently run across the same answers: finances, sex and adultery. But an article by Jessica Orwig featured in Business Insider, “Here’s Why Marriage Is Harder than Ever”, introduced a new culprit: Expectations.

According to Northwestern University’s psychology professor, Eli Finkel, compared to previous generations, “today’s marriages make it harder for couples to cultivate a flourishing relationship.” This is what he also refers to as the “suffocation model of marriage in America”. What expectations do you have of your spouse that could be suffocating your union? Here are a few common ones:

·         She expects him to continue to do the sweet things he did during courtship.

·         He expects her to take have a career, care for the home, and tend to the children. He believes he doesn’t need to be as involved with domestic responsibilities.

·         She expects him to make more money as the husband.

·         He expects intimacy every night.

·         She expects him to stop socializing once they marry. The only friend he needs is her.

The list goes on and on. And we keep suffocating each other more and more…to the brink of divorce. Let’s pull the plug on this one in 2015 and reevaluate our expectations.

{MY LESSON}

“Cooking is not my domestic gift.” There. I said it. The truth is, I’m just coming to terms with this, almost 8 years into our marriage. It’s not that I can’t cook; Mr. Sutton enjoys my meals a lot when I actually do cook. But if you left it to me, we would eat out 7 days a week. That’s because for whatever unknown reason, I get anxiety over having to decide what to cook. And if I’m trying a new recipe, I get even more nerved up about it turning out right.  I know it sounds strange, but cooking is stressful for me! But it’s not for Tristen. He’s actually really good with coming up with different recipes and concocting his own seasonings.

Recently, I got to my breaking point and came out with the truth to Tristen: “I don’t enjoy cooking. I enjoy cleaning and just about any other domestic responsibility. Can you please take over cooking?” That was probably one of the toughest conversations I’ve ever had with him. I was finally admitting that I didn’t enjoy something that according to society, EVERY wife should love to do and be great at it. Though it was tough, I literally felt the veil of suffocation release the top of my head. Tristen was understanding and has graciously taken over his area of expertise in the kitchen. I still do make “guest appearances” and whip up a little something for my honey, but I actually enjoy the experience now. Perhaps because it’s no longer an act out of expectation, but out of love…

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

Husbands, what expectations are you suffocating your wife with? Wives, ask yourselves the same question.

1.       ASK YOURSELF, “Why do I have these expectations of my spouse? Are the motives behind my expectations selfish?” Is it because you saw your parents do it? Is it because your buddy’s wife does it? Is it because society says you should have those expectations?

2.       SEEK WAYS TO HELP your spouse in the areas that you see them drowning in. Your wife may seem like she’s super woman, but even super heroes need a break. She can’t have a career, tend to domestic responsibilities AND take care of the children all on her own. She needs you.

3.       HAVE AN OPEN & HONEST CONVERSATION with your spouse. If we know communication is the key, why do we shy away from it so much? Yes, communicating makes you vulnerable, but it’s also very liberating and brings healing.

4.       SHOW APPRECIATION. This goes back to my previous CC’s Pieces, “No one ever gets tired of hearing “Thank You”.

Chances are, your spouse may not even realize they’re suffocating. That’s where being in tune with one another comes into play. Try something this week: Observe the way your spouse handles day-to-day responsibilities and seek ways to help in the areas that he/struggles with. Take control and don’t allow your expectations to kill your marriage.

Expectations – The Silent Killer of Marriages

Credit:  http://www.businessinsider.com/why-marriage-is-hard-2015-1

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/what-does-the-bible-say-about-expectations-a-christian-study/

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Women Change. Men Don't.

"Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another...Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification." --Romans 14:13,19

 

"He promised me he would change after we got married! He lied to me!"

 

{MY LESSON}
One thing I can say about Tristen is that he is consistent. What he liked back then, he likes now. What habits he had then, he has the same ones today. CONSISTENT! I, on the other hand, have changed my hair, my taste in clothing, my hobbies, my interests, what I like to listen to, my taste in food, my weight just about everything but my first name! Poor guy, he never saw it coming. But fortunately, the changes have been for the better and he has embraced them. As women, we are ever-evolving beings always seeking to do more, have more, and be more. I can name a few things that I would have liked Tristen to change, especially during our early years of marriage. But I had to learn to pick my battles. If it wasn't something that put our absolutes or fundamental doctrines at risk, then it wasn't worth me quarreling with him.

 

I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but I know women who have intentionally gone into a marriage hoping to change their husband. Even AFTER he told her that he was not going to change and she needed to accept him the way he was, she still married him with the insurance policy that if it doesn't work out, she'll divorce him. Selfish. Unfair. Destructive. So if you're caught at this crossroad right now, it's time to reevaluate your true motives behind wanting to change your husband.

 

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
In order to address this issue, you have to be honest with yourself.

 

1. EXAMINE YOUR HEART. Everything that you desire starts from within. Are you at peace with yourself? Are you content overall with the man you married?
2. EXAMINE YOUR MOTIVES. What is the root cause for you wanting him to change? Is it to make him a better person? Is it because you want him to be like someone else's husband, or even more so, like your ex?
3. PRAY. If your heart and motives are in the right place, you have to give it to the ultimate changer. People can't change people. Only God can. Pray that if it is the Lord's will for your spouse to change, God will soften his heart to allow that change to take place. And most importantly, ask God to give you patience and a spirit of grace and understanding until that change manifests. On the other hand, if God reveals to you that this is not a deal breaker, pray and ask him to help you to LET. IT. GO!
4. PRAISE. We all need encouragement when trying to make a change. Praise is the best way to reinforce positive change.

 

If you married your partner with the intentions of "making some changes", you can only be upset with yourself when he rejects the changes. Men are pretty simple creatures and if they don't see a problem or sense that you're trying to change them, they're not likely going to make a permanent change. Sure, he'll make some exceptions every now and then to put a smile on your face (like washing dishes one night). But don't expect him to turn into Mr. Clean just because he did that one act of kindness! If you're single or engaged to be married soon, please take some time to marinate on this CC's Pieces. It can, and in most cases will, make or break your marriage.

 

Women marry hoping men will change. Men marry hoping women will never change.

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A King & a Fool

"However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." –Ephesians 5:33

Ooooh! You get on MY NERVES! Sounds familiar? I’m sure we have all been guilty of saying this to our partner at one point or another, but starting today, let’s choose to start speaking to the king in him, and not the fool.

{MY LESSON}
During one of our morning gym chats with my dear friend, Nkechi, this CC’s Pieces birthed. Stop and think about what you say to your partner on a daily basis. Sure, there are times when he makes you so mad that before you even realize it, you’ve spouted out something in anger. But examine your heart. Are you intentionally saying things to tear him down? Sometimes, we intend to say something to help our partner, but instead it causes harm. That’s because it’s not always what you say but how you say it. If you believe your husband to be your king, but you speak to him in a condescending manner, he will act accordingly. Even if your partner is not where he needs to be as your king, speak it in faith over him! We speak the words of life…

Tristen and I joke around a lot, but what remains consistent is my respect for him. Daily, I make it a point to speak to the king in him. In the morning, “You’re going to have a productive day and God is going to give you wisdom on how to manage your business this week.” In the evening, “I’m really proud of you. Running your own business isn’t easy.” Even if you feel like your partner could be doing more, praise him for what he is doing. We are all a work in progress and need each other’s grace and encouragement.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
The last few CC’s Pieces have been centered around respect for your husband, and that’s the recurring theme for this one as well. Our husbands may not share our same love language, but one language that that they all speak is respect. What if he doesn’t deserve my respect? It’s not a matter of “deserving”. There are a lot of things that God gives us that we don’t deserve. But because He loves us, He gives it to us anyway. And this is what He calls us to do in our marriage as well.

• EXAMINE YOUR HEART. What’s in your heart will come out. If your heart isn’t right, you will be more prone to speaking to the fool in him rather than the king.
• THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. Enough said. Once you put it out there, you can’t take it back.
• SAY IT ANYWAY. Even when you don’t feel like saying positive things to your spouse, say them anyway. Especially in difficult times, your king needs to hear a positive word from you. Speak words of life over one another daily.
• ARGUE IN LOVE. Learn how to communicate your feelings without it compromising your marriage. Your emotions should not run you.
• APOLOGIZE. If you say something hurtful to your spouse, humble yourself and apologize quickly. We’re not guaranteed tomorrow.

Give this a try for 1 week and then let me know what kind of changes you start to see in your husband. You can thank me later.

In every man is a king and a fool. You get whichever one you speak to.

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Financial House

If then you have not been faithful in the unrighteous wealth, who will entrust to you the true riches? – Luke 16:11

According to recent statistics, approximately 65% of couples argue about money on a regular basis. In an article by Ron Leiber of the New York Times in 2009, the odds of a marriage ending in divorce due to finances is approximately 45 percent. Many of the reasons behind this include the lack of discussions couples have before saying “I do” regarding their views on finances, debt they are bringing into the marriage, experience they have with budgets, and what they envision their financial future to be.

{MY LESSON}
Before saying our “I do’s”, Tristen and I sat down with a trusted advisor and went over all of our debt, earnings and savings. From there, we created a budget to begin saving together and to eradicate our debt. We also came to terms on how we were going to structure our bank accounts. Now, there’s no right or wrong way to do this. Some people share only one bank account. Others, like ourselves, have multiple accounts and one shared account that we can both can see the deposits, withdrawals and balance on. Do what works best for you and your partner.

I can’t emphasize enough the importance of this CC’s Pieces. It doesn’t matter if you make a lot or a little, God commands us to be good stewards of our finances. Setting the proper expectations upfront will save you A LOT of unnecessary drama later on.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
1. AGREE that getting your financial house in order is important and must be done before saying “I do.” Find a trusted advisor that you both are comfortable with discussing your finances. Agree who should be in charge of overseeing the budget and leave the lines of communication open and consistent.

2. HIDE NOTHING about your financial history. Now is not the time to keep secrets. This is a major step towards securing your future as husband and wife. Pay attention to your partner’s spending and saving habits. If you’re as frugal as they come and he blows through his paycheck in 2 days, it would be wise to come to an agreement on how you will address that as a married couple.

3. COMMUNICATE IN LOVE. Be prepared to find out that your partner may not have been as financially savvy as you have been. Now is not the time to make him/her feel badly about prior unsound financial decisions. Your financial advisor will be there to give sound advice on how to make more fiscally smart decisions.

4. TITHE. How much? Pray together about this and seek God’s Word. If you are a Christian couple, this should not be optional. Times do get tough, and God knows your personal situation. But He doesn’t look at the amount you give. He looks at the heart. (Malachi 3:10)

5. SAVE. SAVE. SAVE. Yes, you may be making 6 figures today. But nothing is guaranteed tomorrow and life has a way of changing seasons when you least expect it. Establishing a 6 month safety net could quite possibly be the most important thing you ever do for your marriage. I remember in 2009 when Tristen and I both found ourselves in the middle of a job transition. We didn’t panic. We didn’t fuss and cuss at each other. In fact, we were able to enjoy that period of transition because we had enough saved to survive. This also means you want to start saving for your retirement and contributing towards your 401K now, not when you start making enough to save.

Discussing finances before getting married will help eliminate one of the primary reasons for why most couples divorce. Do your part. Be fiscally responsible.

Get your financial house in order before saying “I do”.

Credit: http://www.examiner.com/article/finances-remain-leading-cause-of-divorce

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Submission is Not Slavery

“Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” –Colossians 3:18

“Shoot! Can I skip this CC’s Pieces today?” No you may not. Please proceed.

Did God ordain your union? Does your husband submit to God first? Does he show a genuine love for you like Christ loves his church? THEN TRUST HIM. SUBMIT TO HIM. Yes. It takes time, especially in the early years of your marriage where trust is being developed and you’re learning more about who you really married. But the benefits of submitting to your husband FAR OUTWEIGH the outcome of choosing not to submit.

If you are concerned with never getting your way if you become submissive to your husband, consider that your husband will want to make you happy when you become a calm, gracious wife. If you’re respectful and kind towards him, he will reciprocate it. Like grandma said, “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

{MY LESSON}
Coming from a single parent home and not seeing an example of this daily, I was initially very nervous about how I would measure up as a wife in this area. Many of us in the Black community share this same story; we were raised by strong, independent, single mothers. And in reality, most of the time, we become what we see. But what I love about God is that He will divinely place something within you, even if you’ve never been formally trained or exposed to it, if you earnestly seek Him for it.

It took time for me to grow into a submissive wife (and I’m still a work in progress!). I had to look at each situation as an opportunity for me to work on becoming a more submissive wife. And what I found in the end is that respect + submission = acts of love. That means, when we as wives give our husbands what they need most, respect, they return what we need most, love.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
So what does being submissive REALLY look like? Do I have to do it all the time or only under certain circumstances? In examining the Greek word “hupotasso” which means “submit”, it is the continuing form of the verb. This means that submitting to your husband is not a one-time act. It is a continual attitude, which eventually develops into a behavior.

Submission is not intended to make you, as the wife, feel like a slave. Nor is submission gender specific, as we see in 1 Corinthians 11:2-3 where God commands husbands to submit to Christ as Christ did to God. But before we can do anything, wives we first need to submit to God, which is the only way we can truly obey Him (James 1:21; 4:7). Remember, God created Eve to be a helpmate to Adam, so we know submission is intended to be a loving act and a natural response to loving leadership.

1. EXAMINE YOUR HEART. Do you desire to be a submissive wife?
· Seek to understand what true submission means by reading his Word and pray for Him to transform your attitude into a submissive one. Also, be open to seeking wise counsel from someone you know who is leading my example.

2. EXAMINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP. What if my husband is not submissive to the Lord and he does things God would not want me to submit to?
· A woman can have a submissive spirit even when saying “no” and refusing to go along with sin. The Lord does not want “weak-willed” women—women who lack the discernment and strength to respond to the right things and in the right way. Godly women do not submit to sin.

3. CONFESS & MOVE FORWARD. Is it too late for me to become submissive if I haven’t been for years?
· It’s never too late to get it right. God’s mercy and grace is so sufficient that he allows us a new opportunity to start over. Take the time to apologize to your husband as well. Humbling yourself is the first step in the right direction.

4. WORK ON IT DAILY.
· Being a submissive wife is a lifestyle, not an event. There will be times when you fall off your horse. But keep working at it. With time, it becomes easier, and dare I say…enjoyable.

Submission is NOT slavery.

Credit: http://www.gotquestions.org/wives-submit.html
http://heartsandlattes.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Be-a-Submissive-Wife

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Seek Wise Counsel

 

LET'S DIVE RIGHT INTO THE NEW YEAR! Is it just me, or does the Black community seem to view marriage counseling as some sort of taboo? "We don't need anyone telling us what to do! This is OUR marriage!" Yet, when OUR marriage ends in divorce, a JUDGE ends up telling us what to do anyway (how ironic!). The Bible advises that we seek wise counsel in Proverbs 11:14, "Where there is no guidance, the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory."

 

The good news is that seeking wise counsel can save our marriages in the long run. As my friend, Michael Nelson, eloquently put it, "We experience our breakthrough as we work through.
{MY LESSON}
I remember how exciting it was planning our wedding. Every cosmetic detail received special attention to ensure our day was perfect. But it wasn't the planning for our wedding day that laid the foundation for what we have now almost 8 years later. It was the planning for our days AFTER the wedding. Tristen and I eagerly attended not 1...not 2...but 3 different marriage conferences, in addition to our counseling sessions. Overkill you ask? Well let's just say that going into marriage without any formal counseling is like taking the bar exam without having studied and expecting to pass. Not wise!

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
You don't have to wait until your marriage is on the rocks before seeking counseling. In fact, the best time to go is when things are going well and you just want a little tune-up.

1. PREPARE. First, come to agreement that seeking wise counsel is vital to the success of your marriage.
2. PLAN. Plan to attend at least 1 marriage conference, retreat or counseling session this year with your spouse. Doing this yearly, even better.
3. PARTICIPATE. You don't have to be the life of the party, but do actively participate in the counseling session. Keep an open mind. Take notes. Learn something new.
4. PRACTICE. Put lessons learned to work as soon as you get home. Don't save it for next week, next month...next year. Do it while everything is fresh on your mind.

There's nothing like starting the new year with a clean slate and the exciting feeling of becoming a better person. Though most of us focus on improving in the external areas (i.e. complete degree, lose weight, save money, etc.) let's challenge ourselves to spend an equal amount of time on improving our marriage.

Seek Wise Counsel in 2015.

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Don't Abandon Your Enjoyments

Besides being a mother, being a wife is one of the most selfless titles a woman can ever have. Women are constant nurturers and caregivers who give so much of ourselves that if we’re not careful, we will lose our very own identity. God has given all of us unique gifts, talents and interests that should not be tossed out the window just because our title changes to “wife” or “husband”. If you have a spouse who is struggling in this area, he/she needs your support and encouragement.

{MY LESSON}
During the first few years of being married, I was “Team Tristen” to the core. I made my interests his interests. My time was his time. Most of this was by choice because when you’re courting/newly married, part of you desires to be with your mate every waking moment. But as we well know, life is in seasons.

Around year five in our marriage, I found myself transitioning into a new season of self re-discovery. With the onset of going natural in 2010, I began to unearth hidden talents and interests that I didn’t know I had. From fitness, to modeling, to dancing, I was gradually being re-introduced to myself. Initially, it felt awkward spending time apart, almost like a sin! But no matter what new interest I found, Tristen gave his unwavering support and cheered me on. Essentially, he gave me room to be me and to grow.

I genuinely believe that because of Tristen's selflessness, our marriage has thrived. But here’s the key: We balanced our time between sharing common interests and cultivating our own individual enjoyments. Along the way, we both learned the art of sacrificing our own preferences for the betterment of the other. For example, I’m not passionate about football, but he is, so I attend football watch parties with him. He’s not passionate about dancing, but I am, so he will attend dance classes with me to show his support.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” This also applies to the marriage bond. Sacrificing your own interests for the betterment of your relationship is truly what marriage is about.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
It’s important for husbands and wives to share common interests, but not abandon their individual enjoyments. If this is an area that you want to work on with your spouse, here are a few tips to help:

1. Have an open conversation with your spouse. “Honey, I miss taking art classes. For me, it is therapeutic and allows me some time to unwind after a long week with the kids.”

2. Discuss an action plan. “I would like to have one weekend per month, for one hour, to take art classes. Can you watch the kids for me while I’m gone?”

3. Show your appreciation. “Honey, I really appreciate you understanding how important this is to me. I love you and the kids very much, and I appreciate you all reciprocating that love by giving me the time to enjoy my art classes.”

Husbands, here’s a helpful tip: If you see that your wife is becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the day-to-day life tasks, now would be a great time to introduce this CC’s Pieces to her and encourage her to break away to do something she enjoys. Just watch how rejuvenated she will return home!

Share common interests, but don’t abandon your enjoyments.

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UNDERSTAND. UNDERSTOOD.

 

UGH! HE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME!!  Question (answer truthfully!): When you’re having a discussion with your mate, do you typically seek first to understand or to be understood?

While having date night with a couple of friends, the question came up from one of the ladies, “How can I effectively communicate with him?” (pointing to her date). She went on to explain that she feels like he doesn’...t understand her and she feels it may be because they don’t really know how to communicate with one another. When I asked her the same question, do you seek to understand or to be understood, she answered truthfully, “to be understood.” After thinking about it for a second, she began to realize where their breakdown in communication was stemming from.

Effective communication is an art and can take time for some to grasp ahold to, especially since we live in a world now where we let our fingers do most of the talking. We also become too consumed with proving a point and convincing the other person that we’re right and they’re wrong. But everything should not always be about being right/wrong. Remember, you and your mate are on the same team!

{MY LESSON}
This is an area that I work on daily, but I've seen great improvement in how I communicate with Tristen since 2007, the year we got married. As a new wife, I allowed my communication to be controlled by my emotions, and as we all know, men don't respond too kindly to that! I remember saying to Tristen quite often "You don't understand me!" Never did it occur to me that I needed to first seek to understand him (must be one of the side effects of being an only child). But Tristen remained patient with me as I worked through it, and with time and MUCH prayer, God transformed how I communicated with him. Yes, wives, you will still have moments where you revert back to your old communication style (seeking to be understood). But with time, those occurrences become few and far between.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Here are ways you can get back on track with communicating effectively with your spouse:

• Seek to understand first.
In order to do this, you have to allow your mate to complete their thoughts without interruption and show that you are ACTIVELY listening. Active listening means that you are focused on their words, tone of voice, and body language. Active listening means you are not formulating what your next response is going to be so you can one-up your spouse.

• Summarize what your spouse has expressed in order to show you are listening and engaged.
Example: “So what I hear you saying, Tristen, is that you don’t like it when I leave the cap off the toothpaste because it gets messy, right?”

• Respond in love, not tit-for-tat.
As a defense mechanism, sometimes when our spouse expresses they're upset with us, we retaliate with something else they've done to deflect the attention off of us. But the most effective way to deal with an upset spouse is to respond in love.
Example: “Well, I apologize Tristen for leaving the cap off the toothpaste. I was in a hurry, so I forgot to put it back on. I will be more mindful of that next time.”

Note: Remember that communication is about presentation as well. If you’re the one who is expressing a fault to your spouse, be mindful of your tone and how you’re expressing your concerns. Remember, “It’s not always about what you say, but how you say it.”

Seek first to understand. Then to be unserstood.

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Speak Positively

“Her husband is respected at the city gate..." --Proverbs 31:23

“Girl, he gets on my NERVES! He NEVER [fill in the blank] and he ALWAYS [fill in the blank]!” Sounds like a familiar conversation, wives? Sure. We get frustrated sometimes and need an outlet. But the city gate is NOT the place we need to go to vent! Why not?

If the city gate is meant to protect a city (in this case, your marriage/your husband) and keep intruders out, then as wives, we have to guard that gate by not inviting in the intruder.

{MY LESSON}
Although my mother and I are extremely close, I knew that in order for our marriage to survive, I had to close that gate when it came to discussing our marriage. We all know that mothers are protective and if your husband messes up, it takes FOREVER for them to forgive and move on!

Because I know that Tristen always has my best interest at heart (even when he has done something to upset me), I honor him by talking the issues out with him and seeking God for wisdom. If the issue is too big for us to handle alone, we have no problem with seeing a marriage counselor—this is healthy and should not be looked down upon.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Here’s what Proverbs 31 has to say about the virtuous woman in regards to her husband. Take a moment to ask yourself the questions given and make a concerted effort to be honest with yourself.

• She brings him good, not harm (v. 12)
-Do I bring my husband harm in what I say to him/about him? If so, how will I change that?

• Her husband is respected at the city gate (v. 23)
-Am I doing my part to ensure my husband is respected at the city gate? If not, how can I change that?

• Her husband praises her. (v. 28)
-Do I bring joy to my husband? When he thinks of me, is he proud to be married to me? If not, what can I start doing to change that?

May this CC’s Pieces bring healing and restoration to your marriage.

Honor him. Speak only positively of him in the gates.

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Why are you so SELFISH?!

WHY ARE YOU SO SELFISH?! Hopefully you've never been called selfish before, but chances are, you probably have. Why? Because by nature, humans are selfish creatures. We have to CHOOSE to not be. The same applies in our relationship with our spouse.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I are both only children (yeah, continue to keep us lifted Saints!). So naturally, in the beginning of our marriage, we leaned more towards taking care of our own needs first. But as our relationship evolved and we started to gain wisdom on how to make this work, we came to the realization that if we both put each other's needs first, no one will go lacking. So what does that look like? A few examples:

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

• Before I leave the house, I ask Tristen, "Is there anything you need before I leave?" This is my way of letting him know that I want to make sure he's okay before I take care of my personal agenda.

• We both have fast-paced occupations that leave us drained at the end of the day. But when he gets home, I offer a quick back rub to help him settle into the evening. He reciprocates the gesture whenever he sees I've had a rough day. (Note: a quick back rub can be done while standing and doesn't have to take much time).

• If I'm going into a particular room in the house to get something, I ask him, "Do you need me to bring you back anything?" 99% of the time, he answers "yes", which means had I not asked, he likely would not have said anything.

• Intimacy is so important. For many, that's a need that HAS to be met. We have a saying in the Sutton household, "You give that get right, you get that act right!" Which is a fancy way of saying, take care of my needs and I'll take care of your needs!

Put each other's needs first and selfishness goes bye-bye. This CC's Pieces can transform your relationship and take it to a new level if you and your mate can agree to implement it daily. Again, as with most of my advice, you have to make a conscious, intentional effort towards change!

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No Nagging!

BAM! Husbands, you can thank me in DSW coupons for this one. Wives, it took me a while to really catch on to this CC's Pieces, but I think I've got it down now!

NAG. NAG. NAG. This 3 - letter word wreaks havoc on so many marriages and unfortunately ladies, we're usually the culprit. Yes, we only mean well. BUT nagging ends up doing more harm than good (blame it on how God hardwired men). What end...s up happening is we push our husbands further into the very habit we're trying to get him to change. So how do I stop this vicious cycle, you ask? 

{YOU LEAD BY ACTION}

My Lesson : I nagged Mr. Sutton daily about working out with me. He wanted to go at his own pace, but I wanted him to go at turbo speed with me. He grew weary of me nagging, and I grew weary of nagging him. I prayed and prayed that God would change him, but then it dawned on me: I was praying the wrong prayer. Truthfully, I was frustrated with the fact that I was struggling with losing weight, not really with Tristen.

So I changed my prayer and asked God to help me focus on my own weight loss, and I would trust Him to do the same with Tristen. From that day forward, I didn't mention anything about the gym to him anymore. I worked out daily, changed my eating habits, and now one year later, I'm down 30+ pounds.

And guess who's in the gym more now and eating healthier?

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Out of Love

Ever argued with your spouse and said some things that you still regret today? Well you're in luck! There's an app for that! (JK)

Starting a tough conversation with "Out of Love" helps to prepare your spouse for something they aren't going to want to hear. I started with this CC's Pieces of advice because it has carried Tristen and I through many difficult conversations in a calm and respectful manner. The #1 rule that you can NEVER break when using this code phrase is...THE OTHER SPOUSE CAN'T RESPOND ANGRILY OR GET UPSET. They can only respond calmly to the news you've just given them. It'll take some practice, but we 100% guarantee IT WORKS!

I would like to thank Pastor Timothy Sloan, Sr. Pastor at The Luke Humble, for sharing this piece advice with us 7.5 years ago.

 

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