CC's Pieces: June 2015

Friday, June 12, 2015

R= Responding in Love {What am I saying "I do" to? M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E. Series}

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. --1 Corinthians 13:7
He’s going to disappoint you. You’re going to disappoint him. There. Now what? To go into a serious relationship thinking that true love means that you won’t have disagreements is not being realistic. And becoming passive-aggressive to avoid conflict isn’t going to resolve the issue either— it just leads to resentment. So now we have to learn how to speak truth in love to one another.

{MY LESSON LEARNED}
Time surely does bring about a change. When I think back to year 1 and how I used to handle disagreements with Tristen…*WHEW*! I would allow my emotions to fly all over the place! But deep down inside, I didn’t like that feeling of allowing my emotions to control me. Then one day, it dawned on me: Tristen doesn’t mean any harm by me, and I don’t mean any harm by him. We’re both playing for the same team.

When it comes to speaking truth out of love, timing is everything. One day, I was bothered by something that Tristen did, but I knew he didn’t realize it. We were having such a great morning that I knew if I brought it up right then, it would ruin the rest of the day. So I waited until the next day to address it and I realized that had I tried to address it the day before, it would have come across completely differently, out of my emotions rather than out of love and respect. Because I chose to communicate with him out of love (yes, you have to CHOOSE your attitude!), he received what I had to say and we were able to move forward without the unnecessary arguing.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Statistics show that communication plays a significant part in our high divorce rate. If we can get this part right, it will clear up a lot of the other areas that we struggle in— raising children, finances, handling in-laws, intimacy, and infidelity to name a few. The key to remember is that it’s not about what we say to our husbands, but HOW we say it. Men are programmed to respond to respect, and if that important element is missing, then the conversation is futile. Wives, here are some things that I keep in mind that may help you in this area:

1. We are on the same team. Get clarity, not revenge.

2. Seek to understand then to be understood.

http://www.ccspieces.blogspot.com/2015/01/ugh-he-just-doesnt-understand-me.html

3. Communicate your feelings not your tead of “You made me feel like”, “You never do this” and “You always do that”.

4. Don't take everything personal. Watch your tone.
5. #Timing_is_everything. Initiating a heart to heart during the Texans football game-- not a good idea. Make sure that he is in a posture to be able to listen and communicate with you. To prepare him for a tough conversation, try the “Out of Love” approach that we discussed in previous CC’s Pieces http://www.ccspieces.blogspot.com/2015/01/start-tough-conversations-with-out-of.html .

As always, ask God to help you make a permanent, positive change in this area. Try implementing a few of these in your conversations and watch your mate not only start to respond in love, but he will likely start using some of your methods too!
What Am I Saying “I Do To”? R = Responding in Love

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R= Remaining Consistent {What am I saying "I do" to? M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E. Series}

“She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” –Proverbs 31:12

Consistency. How do you measure up in this area? Can your spouse count on you to do what you say you’re going to do? Proverbs 31:12 says that a virtuous woman brings her husband good ALL the days of her life, not just only when she’s in a good mood or only when her husband is acting right. Being consistent can be a challe...nge at times with so many variables competing for our time, attention and emotions. But in dating and in marriage, consistency is vital.

{MY LESSON LEARNED}

For me, consistency was a large factor in why I married Tristen. “I’m going to call you when I get off work.” He always called. “I’ll be there for your function.” He always showed. It’s easy for people to do kind things for one another during the first few months of dating, but the true test is time. As the days turn into months and the months roll on into years, some people start to slack off and take their mate for granted. If you’re currently dating, now is the best time for you and your beau to start learning how to be consistent.
Don’t wait until you’ve exchanged vows to start putting this good habit to work because it will be harder then. If you say you’re going to do something, follow thru. If you’re currently buying roses for her every day, you better make sure you set up a budget to continue because she will expect the same treatment even after the “I do’s”!

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

If you’re the one who struggles with consistency and frequently find yourself backing out of commitments, work on it. This used to be a challenge for me because I would find myself overcommitting my time. I wanted to do it all! But we can’t, and God doesn’t expect us to either. Here are a few things I did to help in this area:

1.       Don't commit right away. When someone asks you to do something, get as much detail as you can upfront about the commitment. The day, time, duration, and any other significant details that will help you make a final decision. Then simply say, “Okay, sounds great. Let me check on what I have planned that day and get back to you.” And then be sure to follow-up with an answer.

2.       Give a gracious no. Just because you say “no”, it doesn’t make you a mean person. It makes you a balanced person and people respect you more when you say “no” rather than commit to something and then back out. The Bible says let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no. (Matthew 5:37)

3.       Stop feeling bad! Romans 8:1 tells us that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. So this means that we can’t allow others to make us feel bad when we don’t commit to doing what they want.

Just like you need consistency, your spouse is counting on you to be mentally stable, dependable and present in the relationship. Inconsistency leads to unnecessary anxiety, fear and confrontation. Create a safe place for your spouse by offering consistency every day.

M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E. Series- What Am I Saying “I Do To”? R = Remaining Consistent#CCsPieces
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Monday, June 8, 2015

M= Making Sacrifices {What am I saying "I do" to? M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E. Series}

"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." –Philippians 2:3-4

So what is marriage really all about? CC’s Pieces is starting a new series entitled “What am I saying “I do” to?” and over the next few weeks, we’re going to closely examine what is really involved in M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E. As we break down each acronym, starting with the letter “M”, you’re going to get a very transparent look at what this marriage thing is all about that Empire, Real Housewives of Atlanta nor Scandal are telling you. Marriage is truly a gift and from my point of view, fun and rewarding. But having a rewarding marriage takes work…and making sacrifices. What kind of sacrifices?

• Your very own body. It now belongs to you AND your husband.
• How you spend your time.
• Your spending habits.
• Your living arrangement/your space.
• You may be required to cook more.
• The way you dress or wear your hair. (Yes, your husband’s opinion matters!)
…and the list goes on.

{MY LESSON}
After Tristen Sutton and I got engaged, I went on a quest to get a true understanding of what marriage really was about. You see, so many of us get caught up in our own selfish desires that we really miss the true meaning of what we’re committing to. Marriage is about making sacrifices.

Perfect example: I’ve been wanting to put wood flooring upstairs in our home for a while now, and I had decided that I was going to get it done after receiving my bonus check. But Tristen, being the financially sound guy that he is, advised that though we have the money to do it now, we should wait until this economic lull passes. Now, some wives would have said, “This is my money, so I think I should be able to do what I want with it!” But I think it’s pretty obvious that this is the total opposite of sacrificing. Though I really, really, REALLY wanted to get the wood flooring done right then, I knew he was right and instead of getting into a big argument over it, I set aside my own desire for the sake of our marriage.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Learning how to make sacrifices for your marriage is easier said than done for most of us, especially when by our very nature, we are selfish creatures. But if you desire to get married one day, consider this a BIG part of the package. I encourage you not to wait until you get married to learn how to start making sacrifices. Here are a few ways you can do so now:
1. Pray about it. I always start with this because I’ve found that I cannot change something on my own without God’s power.

2. Sacrificing = Discipline. Start with things like foregoing buying those $200 pair of shoes, and save it for a rainy day. Or donate the money towards a worthy cause that you support.

3. Take a 30 day challenge to do something kind for someone else every day. It can be something as simple as taking 3 minutes to call and check on someone you hadn’t spoken to in a while, or offering to help a co-worker who’s behind on their work.
4. Instead of you deciding on what weekend activity you and your significant other will get into, let him decide. And even if you really don’t want to do it, do it for him…and without complaining!

Marriage takes work. But it’s made a lot easier when both husband and wife are committed to making sacrifices for the betterment of their marriage.

“M” = Making Sacrifices
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A = Accepting & Appreciating Differences {What Am I Saying "I do" to? M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E Series}

“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” -- Romans 15:7

In continuing on with our “What am I saying “I do” to?” series and breaking down the acronym, M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E., we are now at the letter “A”: Accepting & Appreciating him for who he is.

{MY LESSON LEARNED}

No matter how great the guy is you’re with, there will always be something you won’t like about him. And it’s okay. If you want to marry someone who thinks like you, acts like you and does things the exact same way you do, you’re better off staying single. Marriage is not about seeking perfection, but learning how to be perfect at accepting each other’s imperfections.

Tristen is a straight-shooter, but I am a diplomatic, let’s be friends, I don’t want to hurt your feelings nurturer. In the beginning of our marriage, I sometimes struggled with his straight-forward responses. I wanted him to analyze, discuss and debate things with me before coming to a final decision. To me, the more we discussed a matter, the more it showed he cared. But I had to learn that this isn’t who he is. He is a very decisive, to-the-point, no frills kind of guy. So instead of getting upset and trying to convince him to be someone he wasn’t, I learned to accept and appreciate that quality about him. In fact, I’m more appreciative of his decisive nature today because it saves us a lot of unnecessary wasted time going back and forth on things.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

One big mistake that a lot of women make is thinking that their mate will change after exchanging “I do’s”. Do not be fooled! What you see is what you get! If a man loves you, he will make changes to make you happy, but he will not change who he is to make you happy. So it is in everyone’s best interest for you to make sure you can accept the good, the bad and the ugly before committing. It’s also important that we not get so hung up on what we see as imperfections, but learn to look for the good and appreciate the fact that it could always be worse. Here are a few nuggets that can help you in this area:

1. Before saying “I do”, know what your deal breakers are. We all have our deal breakers. Understand what things you are willing to accept and things you will not be able to accept. But be reasonable!

2. Learn how to express your concerns out of love. Perhaps he’s not aware that his loud laugh annoys you. Have you kindly shared with him, “Honey, I enjoy seeing you happy. But your laugh can be a little loud sometimes, have you noticed?”

3. Be patient with him. We are all a work in progress and it takes time to change old habits. Once he acknowledges that he’s working on a particular area, give him space to do so, and understand that he may revert back to his old ways. Old habits are hard to break. Guide him back on the right path with gentle reminders.

At the end of the day, we all want to be loved, accepted and appreciated for who we are. Men are no different.

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