Find a Friend, Find a Happy Home

 “The pleasantness of having a friend springs from his earnest counsel. Do not forsake your friend.” --Proverbs 27:9-10

“You don’t need any friends. I'M ALL THE FRIEND YOU NEED!”

{MY LESSON}

I’ve seen couples struggle under the false pretense that hanging out with friends occasionally will bring destruction to their marriage. But as with anything else in life, there has to be a balance. Though water is good for us, drinking too much at once can be detrimental. The same holds true in our marriage. In reality, what lies at the root of this issue is a lack of trust and sometimes even jealousy. She doesn’t trust that he will be faithful if he goes out with his friends. He gets jealous when she spends time with her girlfriends and thinks they will encourage her to leave him. Before anything else, trust and jealousy have to be addressed in order to be comfortable with your spouse spending time with friends.

 

Tristen and I were both social people before we got married, and we are still the same way today.  We enjoy the company of friends just as much as we enjoy our time alone together.  The thing that we have learned is that balance is key.  Sometimes we spend the weekends together with other couples, and other weekends we spend them apart with our friends.  Because I trust his character, I trust that he is choosing the right set of friends to associate with (and if I don’t know them, he arranges time for us to meet). We have seen couples struggle in this area primarily because one partner is an extrovert and the other one is a home-body. Though opposites do attract sometimes, it’s important to take into consideration this dynamic before getting married. To think that your spouse should or will change after you get married is unfair and in most cases, it breeds resentment and excessive arguing.

We are not called to get married to live in a silo and abandon our friends and family. In fact, we are instructed in Proverbs 27:10 to “Do not forsake your friend.” Yes, you need your spouse, but you also need your girlfriends and he needs his boys too. Time apart is healthy and gives you both the opportunity to get a break from one another. Remember, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”.  Also, if you’re surrounded by other like-minded couples, it gives you an opportunity to learn from them and take good habits home to your marriage. Who knows, your husband’s friend may rub off on him and influence him to be a better husband for you!

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

If this is an area that you and your spouse struggle in, take the time to address it.  Think about this: You and your husband deal with the stresses of life everyday—work, rearing kids, civic duties, caring for family members…the list goes on and on. I personally like it when Tristen spends time away with his friends. He comes back home refreshed, in high spirits and ready to show attention to our marriage. Even if you don’t see the benefit of spending time away right now, try it. If done correctly, you will see a positive change in your relationship.

·         ESTABLISH TRUST. If your marriage has suffered from a betrayal of trust, seek forgiveness from one another and move forward. If Christian counseling is needed to help you through this, don’t hesitate to seek it out.

·         COMMUNICATE your concerns. Be open with one another and allow your spouse the opportunity to explain their point of view.

·         Understand that BALANCE in your relationship is important. Time together is just as important as time away with your friends/family.

·         TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME. Allow your spouse the opportunity to go out one weekend with his friends. Husbands, when you return, sit down with your wife and talk about how your outing went. If you want her to be comfortable with you spending time with friends, communicate, communicate, communicate! Don’t just return home and say to her “We had fun” and then go to bed. Involve her by sharing. It will help  put her at ease.

·         DO DOUBLE DATES. Husbands, if your wife is not comfortable with you going out with the guys because she doesn’t know them, arrange an outing where all of you can get together so she can meet them. Wives, be willing to do this on some occasions, even if you don’t like going out. It’s about compromise.

If you’re the spouse who doesn’t have many friends, but your partner does, it’s okay. Allow him to spend time with those friends and if you don't have friends, join an organization, volunteer your time, join a church group—do something to make new friends. Or if you’re one who prefers to be alone, that’s fine too. But don’t make your husband feel bad if he wants to spend time with friends. Allow each other the time and space to connect with other people. When done in moderation and under the right intention, it will work wonders for your marriage.

Find a friend. Find a happy home.

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