Women Change. Men Don't.

"Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another...Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification." --Romans 14:13,19

 

"He promised me he would change after we got married! He lied to me!"

 

{MY LESSON}
One thing I can say about Tristen is that he is consistent. What he liked back then, he likes now. What habits he had then, he has the same ones today. CONSISTENT! I, on the other hand, have changed my hair, my taste in clothing, my hobbies, my interests, what I like to listen to, my taste in food, my weight just about everything but my first name! Poor guy, he never saw it coming. But fortunately, the changes have been for the better and he has embraced them. As women, we are ever-evolving beings always seeking to do more, have more, and be more. I can name a few things that I would have liked Tristen to change, especially during our early years of marriage. But I had to learn to pick my battles. If it wasn't something that put our absolutes or fundamental doctrines at risk, then it wasn't worth me quarreling with him.

 

I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but I know women who have intentionally gone into a marriage hoping to change their husband. Even AFTER he told her that he was not going to change and she needed to accept him the way he was, she still married him with the insurance policy that if it doesn't work out, she'll divorce him. Selfish. Unfair. Destructive. So if you're caught at this crossroad right now, it's time to reevaluate your true motives behind wanting to change your husband.

 

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
In order to address this issue, you have to be honest with yourself.

 

1. EXAMINE YOUR HEART. Everything that you desire starts from within. Are you at peace with yourself? Are you content overall with the man you married?
2. EXAMINE YOUR MOTIVES. What is the root cause for you wanting him to change? Is it to make him a better person? Is it because you want him to be like someone else's husband, or even more so, like your ex?
3. PRAY. If your heart and motives are in the right place, you have to give it to the ultimate changer. People can't change people. Only God can. Pray that if it is the Lord's will for your spouse to change, God will soften his heart to allow that change to take place. And most importantly, ask God to give you patience and a spirit of grace and understanding until that change manifests. On the other hand, if God reveals to you that this is not a deal breaker, pray and ask him to help you to LET. IT. GO!
4. PRAISE. We all need encouragement when trying to make a change. Praise is the best way to reinforce positive change.

 

If you married your partner with the intentions of "making some changes", you can only be upset with yourself when he rejects the changes. Men are pretty simple creatures and if they don't see a problem or sense that you're trying to change them, they're not likely going to make a permanent change. Sure, he'll make some exceptions every now and then to put a smile on your face (like washing dishes one night). But don't expect him to turn into Mr. Clean just because he did that one act of kindness! If you're single or engaged to be married soon, please take some time to marinate on this CC's Pieces. It can, and in most cases will, make or break your marriage.

 

Women marry hoping men will change. Men marry hoping women will never change.

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Embrace Change

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." –2 Corinthians 5:17

“I’ve been like this my whole life! I’M NOT CHANGING!” Hopefully, you will never have to hear your spouse say this to you, but chances are (if she’s human), she will say it at least once during your marriage. Usually when one says they can’t/won’t change something, it’s because they are afraid of what the change will produce. But one thing in marriage that is inevitable is CHANGE. Marriages go through seasons, and seasons change. A sure sign of a healthy marriage is the couple’s ability to adapt to these changes.
 

 

                                                                     {
MY LESSON}
I have long legs. Never thought this would turn into an issue until one day,  Tristen brought it to my attention that I often walked in front of him instead of alongside him. My initial response was defensive, “I have long legs, so naturally, I have wider strides. Keep up!” Though I wasn’t intentionally walking in front of him, this really bothered him. I insisted that he was walking too slowly, but after I started to realize how upset this made him, I began looking for a solution.

When you find yourself struggling with change, no matter how big or small, that means that it’s time to start relying on God. When I began praying and seeking God on the matter, He made my heart more sensitive towards Tristen’s concern and gave me ways to help combat the issue. As with any habit, it doesn’t change overnight and you may find yourself slipping back into it periodically. But after much prayer and a desire to improve in this area, I do better with walking alongside Tristen.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
When tackling this CC’s Pieces, it’s important to keep in mind that it’s not about being right and proving your partner wrong. It’s about compromise and being willing to make a change for the betterment of your marriage.

1. Ask yourself, “What’s one thing that my spouse really desires that I change?”

2. Seek God on the issue and ask him to give you the desire to change. You have to want to change before you can start seeing a true change.

3. Let your partner know that you understand their concern and that you have a desire to change. This step is important because your partner needs to be aware that you are working on the issue. Usually, he will give you room while you’re adjusting to the change.

4. Get to work! Try different methods if the first method doesn’t work. If it’s important to your partner, don’t give up until you find a solution!

Embrace Change. It’s not going anywhere.

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#SayNotoDivorce
#BlackMarriageMatters
#BlackMarriageRocks
#marriageisaministry