Expectations -- The Silent Killer of Marriages

“The hope of the righteous brings joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish.”  -Proverbs 10:28

I read an interesting article over the weekend that really opened my eyes. In researching the top reasons why couples divorce, I frequently run across the same answers: finances, sex and adultery. But an article by Jessica Orwig featured in Business Insider, “Here’s Why Marriage Is Harder than Ever”, introduced a new culprit: Expectations.

According to Northwestern University’s psychology professor, Eli Finkel, compared to previous generations, “today’s marriages make it harder for couples to cultivate a flourishing relationship.” This is what he also refers to as the “suffocation model of marriage in America”. What expectations do you have of your spouse that could be suffocating your union? Here are a few common ones:

·         She expects him to continue to do the sweet things he did during courtship.

·         He expects her to take have a career, care for the home, and tend to the children. He believes he doesn’t need to be as involved with domestic responsibilities.

·         She expects him to make more money as the husband.

·         He expects intimacy every night.

·         She expects him to stop socializing once they marry. The only friend he needs is her.

The list goes on and on. And we keep suffocating each other more and more…to the brink of divorce. Let’s pull the plug on this one in 2015 and reevaluate our expectations.

{MY LESSON}

“Cooking is not my domestic gift.” There. I said it. The truth is, I’m just coming to terms with this, almost 8 years into our marriage. It’s not that I can’t cook; Mr. Sutton enjoys my meals a lot when I actually do cook. But if you left it to me, we would eat out 7 days a week. That’s because for whatever unknown reason, I get anxiety over having to decide what to cook. And if I’m trying a new recipe, I get even more nerved up about it turning out right.  I know it sounds strange, but cooking is stressful for me! But it’s not for Tristen. He’s actually really good with coming up with different recipes and concocting his own seasonings.

Recently, I got to my breaking point and came out with the truth to Tristen: “I don’t enjoy cooking. I enjoy cleaning and just about any other domestic responsibility. Can you please take over cooking?” That was probably one of the toughest conversations I’ve ever had with him. I was finally admitting that I didn’t enjoy something that according to society, EVERY wife should love to do and be great at it. Though it was tough, I literally felt the veil of suffocation release the top of my head. Tristen was understanding and has graciously taken over his area of expertise in the kitchen. I still do make “guest appearances” and whip up a little something for my honey, but I actually enjoy the experience now. Perhaps because it’s no longer an act out of expectation, but out of love…

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

Husbands, what expectations are you suffocating your wife with? Wives, ask yourselves the same question.

1.       ASK YOURSELF, “Why do I have these expectations of my spouse? Are the motives behind my expectations selfish?” Is it because you saw your parents do it? Is it because your buddy’s wife does it? Is it because society says you should have those expectations?

2.       SEEK WAYS TO HELP your spouse in the areas that you see them drowning in. Your wife may seem like she’s super woman, but even super heroes need a break. She can’t have a career, tend to domestic responsibilities AND take care of the children all on her own. She needs you.

3.       HAVE AN OPEN & HONEST CONVERSATION with your spouse. If we know communication is the key, why do we shy away from it so much? Yes, communicating makes you vulnerable, but it’s also very liberating and brings healing.

4.       SHOW APPRECIATION. This goes back to my previous CC’s Pieces, “No one ever gets tired of hearing “Thank You”.

Chances are, your spouse may not even realize they’re suffocating. That’s where being in tune with one another comes into play. Try something this week: Observe the way your spouse handles day-to-day responsibilities and seek ways to help in the areas that he/struggles with. Take control and don’t allow your expectations to kill your marriage.

Expectations – The Silent Killer of Marriages

Credit:  http://www.businessinsider.com/why-marriage-is-hard-2015-1

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/what-does-the-bible-say-about-expectations-a-christian-study/

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Make-up 101: Applying the Right Foundation

“Lord, I want a man who is 6’2”, attractive, athletic, makes six figures, has a college degree, has a big house, drives a nice luxury car, dresses well, smells good, goes to church regularly, has no children, has never been married, a great lover in bed, and gives foot massages at least once a week.”

Though humorous, these are the types of qualities many women are seeking in a husband. And though there's nothing wrong with wanting any of these things, they are what I call “the cosmetics.” Sure, we all want someone who is easy on the eyes and can offer us the best things in life, but if his values are out of whack, all the other things don’t matter. As women, we all know the importance of applying the right foundation when putting on make-up. Let's apply this same principle when seeking out the right spouse.

{MY LESSON- “THE COSMETICS”}

As a single woman, the key things that I specifically prayed for in a husband were someone who loved the Lord, worked hard, shared the same values as me, someone who was easy on the eyes (it didn’t have to be Idris Elba, but hey, I had to find him attractive), and lastly, someone who would love me more than I loved him (I’ll explain that a little later). Then, during my sophomore year in college, Tristen Sutton walked into the room at an INROADS summer training workshop. Though he was driving a 1996 Honda and barely made enough to afford his part of the rent at the time, I knew I had spotted great potential.

I’m not a sappy person, so I’m not going to tell a story about him sweeping me off of my feet. But I will be honest and say that he was the first guy, that I can recall, who I actually went up to and introduced myself first. I had just pledged Delta Sigma Theta Sorority that year, so you have to understand that this was a BIG deal (you know how some sorority girls can be in thinking that they shouldn’t have to lift a finger---EVERY guy should want to be with them by default.) So what made me approach him you ask?

His presence. I knew the moment he entered the room he was different from all the other guys. His stately stature and inviting smile was my first indicator. CHECK. As I watched him work the room interacting with the other interns, I noticed that he was just like me—not cliquish and enjoyed being around other people. Another Check. Then, when I finally mustered up the courage to approach him…THOSE HAZEL EYES! Check. Check. CHECK. It was a wrap!

{“THE FOUNDATION”}

Though we didn’t start dating until after college (which I believe was by God’s design), we did establish a great friendship that rekindled every summer when he returned from Texas A&M. I learned that he was a devout Christian man who had re-dedicated his life to celibacy in hopes that God would bless him with the wife he had prayed for. As if our stories couldn’t have been any more similar, I was honoring God in the same manner with holding on to my virginity until marriage. So another big check—we shared the same core values. Finally, when we started dating late 2005, I found my answer to the last request that I prayed for: someone who loved me more than I loved him. What does that mean?

This was a golden nugget that my mother instilled in me early, and I’m so glad that she did. By nature, women are nurturers, tend to give way more than we probably should sometimes, and we love harder. So to find a man who genuinely loved me more than I loved him would almost be like spotting a unicorn. Every guy that I had been with before Tristen, though they were good guys, I knew that I loved them far more than they loved me, which is probably why it didn’t work out. For the FIRST time, I had met a guy who loved me more than I loved him. It took some time for me to realize it, but the key indicators were: he called me just as much as I called him, he consistently showed a genuine concern for my well-being, he expressed his love for me daily through his actions, and he openly communicated his desire to one day make me his wife. After dating for about one year, he asked my mother for my hand in marriage, and she joyfully gave her blessing.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

God knows what you desire and what’s best for you. He will give you some things that you prayed for, and then others, he won’t…at least not at that time. Don’t get so wrapped up in the cosmetics. Tristen had a little weight to work off, and I’m sure I was no Beyoncé to him either. But we were both wise enough to realize that the foundation was right, and that’s what mattered most. Here are a few golden nuggets to help you on your journey to marriage:

1.      LEARN TO BE CONTENT and be diligent in serving the Kingdom while single. (1 Corinthians 7:17) Marriage is a blessing, but it is not for the selfish or faint at heart. It takes work. (1 Corinthians 7:28)

2.     PRAY SPECIFICALLY for what you desire in a mate. And be sure that you can offer the same!

3.     PREPARE NOW for becoming a wife. Being a Godly wife is more than just wearing a beautiful ring on your left hand. (Proverbs 31)

4.     TRUST GOD to lead your Boaz to you. HE who finds a good wife, finds a good thing. Not the other way around. (Proverbs 18:22)

5.       DON’T SETTLE.

·        Guard your heart. Everyone is not looking out for your best interest. So you have to remain diligent in protecting yourself. (Proverbs 4:23)

·         Remain sexually pure until marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:1-7)

·         Do not be unequally yoked. This goes for dating as well. (2 Corinthians 6:14)

This CC’s Pieces is dedicated to every woman travailing through singlehood. I know you want that unicorn, but don’t miss your blessing by being too focused on the exterior! Get the foundation right, and God will show you when and how to apply the cosmetics.

Pray for the right foundation. You can apply the cosmetics later.

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Women Change. Men Don't.

"Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another...Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification." --Romans 14:13,19

 

"He promised me he would change after we got married! He lied to me!"

 

{MY LESSON}
One thing I can say about Tristen is that he is consistent. What he liked back then, he likes now. What habits he had then, he has the same ones today. CONSISTENT! I, on the other hand, have changed my hair, my taste in clothing, my hobbies, my interests, what I like to listen to, my taste in food, my weight just about everything but my first name! Poor guy, he never saw it coming. But fortunately, the changes have been for the better and he has embraced them. As women, we are ever-evolving beings always seeking to do more, have more, and be more. I can name a few things that I would have liked Tristen to change, especially during our early years of marriage. But I had to learn to pick my battles. If it wasn't something that put our absolutes or fundamental doctrines at risk, then it wasn't worth me quarreling with him.

 

I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but I know women who have intentionally gone into a marriage hoping to change their husband. Even AFTER he told her that he was not going to change and she needed to accept him the way he was, she still married him with the insurance policy that if it doesn't work out, she'll divorce him. Selfish. Unfair. Destructive. So if you're caught at this crossroad right now, it's time to reevaluate your true motives behind wanting to change your husband.

 

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
In order to address this issue, you have to be honest with yourself.

 

1. EXAMINE YOUR HEART. Everything that you desire starts from within. Are you at peace with yourself? Are you content overall with the man you married?
2. EXAMINE YOUR MOTIVES. What is the root cause for you wanting him to change? Is it to make him a better person? Is it because you want him to be like someone else's husband, or even more so, like your ex?
3. PRAY. If your heart and motives are in the right place, you have to give it to the ultimate changer. People can't change people. Only God can. Pray that if it is the Lord's will for your spouse to change, God will soften his heart to allow that change to take place. And most importantly, ask God to give you patience and a spirit of grace and understanding until that change manifests. On the other hand, if God reveals to you that this is not a deal breaker, pray and ask him to help you to LET. IT. GO!
4. PRAISE. We all need encouragement when trying to make a change. Praise is the best way to reinforce positive change.

 

If you married your partner with the intentions of "making some changes", you can only be upset with yourself when he rejects the changes. Men are pretty simple creatures and if they don't see a problem or sense that you're trying to change them, they're not likely going to make a permanent change. Sure, he'll make some exceptions every now and then to put a smile on your face (like washing dishes one night). But don't expect him to turn into Mr. Clean just because he did that one act of kindness! If you're single or engaged to be married soon, please take some time to marinate on this CC's Pieces. It can, and in most cases will, make or break your marriage.

 

Women marry hoping men will change. Men marry hoping women will never change.

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A King & a Fool

"However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." –Ephesians 5:33

Ooooh! You get on MY NERVES! Sounds familiar? I’m sure we have all been guilty of saying this to our partner at one point or another, but starting today, let’s choose to start speaking to the king in him, and not the fool.

{MY LESSON}
During one of our morning gym chats with my dear friend, Nkechi, this CC’s Pieces birthed. Stop and think about what you say to your partner on a daily basis. Sure, there are times when he makes you so mad that before you even realize it, you’ve spouted out something in anger. But examine your heart. Are you intentionally saying things to tear him down? Sometimes, we intend to say something to help our partner, but instead it causes harm. That’s because it’s not always what you say but how you say it. If you believe your husband to be your king, but you speak to him in a condescending manner, he will act accordingly. Even if your partner is not where he needs to be as your king, speak it in faith over him! We speak the words of life…

Tristen and I joke around a lot, but what remains consistent is my respect for him. Daily, I make it a point to speak to the king in him. In the morning, “You’re going to have a productive day and God is going to give you wisdom on how to manage your business this week.” In the evening, “I’m really proud of you. Running your own business isn’t easy.” Even if you feel like your partner could be doing more, praise him for what he is doing. We are all a work in progress and need each other’s grace and encouragement.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
The last few CC’s Pieces have been centered around respect for your husband, and that’s the recurring theme for this one as well. Our husbands may not share our same love language, but one language that that they all speak is respect. What if he doesn’t deserve my respect? It’s not a matter of “deserving”. There are a lot of things that God gives us that we don’t deserve. But because He loves us, He gives it to us anyway. And this is what He calls us to do in our marriage as well.

• EXAMINE YOUR HEART. What’s in your heart will come out. If your heart isn’t right, you will be more prone to speaking to the fool in him rather than the king.
• THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. Enough said. Once you put it out there, you can’t take it back.
• SAY IT ANYWAY. Even when you don’t feel like saying positive things to your spouse, say them anyway. Especially in difficult times, your king needs to hear a positive word from you. Speak words of life over one another daily.
• ARGUE IN LOVE. Learn how to communicate your feelings without it compromising your marriage. Your emotions should not run you.
• APOLOGIZE. If you say something hurtful to your spouse, humble yourself and apologize quickly. We’re not guaranteed tomorrow.

Give this a try for 1 week and then let me know what kind of changes you start to see in your husband. You can thank me later.

In every man is a king and a fool. You get whichever one you speak to.

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Financial House

If then you have not been faithful in the unrighteous wealth, who will entrust to you the true riches? – Luke 16:11

According to recent statistics, approximately 65% of couples argue about money on a regular basis. In an article by Ron Leiber of the New York Times in 2009, the odds of a marriage ending in divorce due to finances is approximately 45 percent. Many of the reasons behind this include the lack of discussions couples have before saying “I do” regarding their views on finances, debt they are bringing into the marriage, experience they have with budgets, and what they envision their financial future to be.

{MY LESSON}
Before saying our “I do’s”, Tristen and I sat down with a trusted advisor and went over all of our debt, earnings and savings. From there, we created a budget to begin saving together and to eradicate our debt. We also came to terms on how we were going to structure our bank accounts. Now, there’s no right or wrong way to do this. Some people share only one bank account. Others, like ourselves, have multiple accounts and one shared account that we can both can see the deposits, withdrawals and balance on. Do what works best for you and your partner.

I can’t emphasize enough the importance of this CC’s Pieces. It doesn’t matter if you make a lot or a little, God commands us to be good stewards of our finances. Setting the proper expectations upfront will save you A LOT of unnecessary drama later on.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
1. AGREE that getting your financial house in order is important and must be done before saying “I do.” Find a trusted advisor that you both are comfortable with discussing your finances. Agree who should be in charge of overseeing the budget and leave the lines of communication open and consistent.

2. HIDE NOTHING about your financial history. Now is not the time to keep secrets. This is a major step towards securing your future as husband and wife. Pay attention to your partner’s spending and saving habits. If you’re as frugal as they come and he blows through his paycheck in 2 days, it would be wise to come to an agreement on how you will address that as a married couple.

3. COMMUNICATE IN LOVE. Be prepared to find out that your partner may not have been as financially savvy as you have been. Now is not the time to make him/her feel badly about prior unsound financial decisions. Your financial advisor will be there to give sound advice on how to make more fiscally smart decisions.

4. TITHE. How much? Pray together about this and seek God’s Word. If you are a Christian couple, this should not be optional. Times do get tough, and God knows your personal situation. But He doesn’t look at the amount you give. He looks at the heart. (Malachi 3:10)

5. SAVE. SAVE. SAVE. Yes, you may be making 6 figures today. But nothing is guaranteed tomorrow and life has a way of changing seasons when you least expect it. Establishing a 6 month safety net could quite possibly be the most important thing you ever do for your marriage. I remember in 2009 when Tristen and I both found ourselves in the middle of a job transition. We didn’t panic. We didn’t fuss and cuss at each other. In fact, we were able to enjoy that period of transition because we had enough saved to survive. This also means you want to start saving for your retirement and contributing towards your 401K now, not when you start making enough to save.

Discussing finances before getting married will help eliminate one of the primary reasons for why most couples divorce. Do your part. Be fiscally responsible.

Get your financial house in order before saying “I do”.

Credit: http://www.examiner.com/article/finances-remain-leading-cause-of-divorce

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Embrace Change

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." –2 Corinthians 5:17

“I’ve been like this my whole life! I’M NOT CHANGING!” Hopefully, you will never have to hear your spouse say this to you, but chances are (if she’s human), she will say it at least once during your marriage. Usually when one says they can’t/won’t change something, it’s because they are afraid of what the change will produce. But one thing in marriage that is inevitable is CHANGE. Marriages go through seasons, and seasons change. A sure sign of a healthy marriage is the couple’s ability to adapt to these changes.
 

 

                                                                     {
MY LESSON}
I have long legs. Never thought this would turn into an issue until one day,  Tristen brought it to my attention that I often walked in front of him instead of alongside him. My initial response was defensive, “I have long legs, so naturally, I have wider strides. Keep up!” Though I wasn’t intentionally walking in front of him, this really bothered him. I insisted that he was walking too slowly, but after I started to realize how upset this made him, I began looking for a solution.

When you find yourself struggling with change, no matter how big or small, that means that it’s time to start relying on God. When I began praying and seeking God on the matter, He made my heart more sensitive towards Tristen’s concern and gave me ways to help combat the issue. As with any habit, it doesn’t change overnight and you may find yourself slipping back into it periodically. But after much prayer and a desire to improve in this area, I do better with walking alongside Tristen.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
When tackling this CC’s Pieces, it’s important to keep in mind that it’s not about being right and proving your partner wrong. It’s about compromise and being willing to make a change for the betterment of your marriage.

1. Ask yourself, “What’s one thing that my spouse really desires that I change?”

2. Seek God on the issue and ask him to give you the desire to change. You have to want to change before you can start seeing a true change.

3. Let your partner know that you understand their concern and that you have a desire to change. This step is important because your partner needs to be aware that you are working on the issue. Usually, he will give you room while you’re adjusting to the change.

4. Get to work! Try different methods if the first method doesn’t work. If it’s important to your partner, don’t give up until you find a solution!

Embrace Change. It’s not going anywhere.

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Know Your Purpose

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
–Jeremiah 1:5

So when are ya’ll getting married? DONE. So when are ya’ll buying a house? DONE. So when are ya’ll having a baby? DONE. So when are ya’ll having ANOTHER baby? DONE. So when are ya’ll…HALT! STOP! PINEAPPLES! What the heck is going on here? The pressure to do everything and to be everything is starting to weigh on me.

Ever had that conversation with yourself? The truth is, most of us won’t admit to it because we don’t want to disappoint someone else (sometimes, our own spouse). But let’s take a moment to stop. Take a deep breath. Whatever season you’re in—singlehood, married, widowed, divorced, parenting, caring for an elderly parent---if you are seeking to live God’s purpose, then you are RIGHT WHERE HE WANTS YOU TO BE.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I spent the first 6 years of our marriage dodging the “when are you going to have a baby” question. I have to admit, some of our friends were pretty convincing, “You two would be AWESOME parents!” and “There’s nothing like having your own baby. You will never be the same.” AND my favorite, “How are you going to pass down your legacy if you don’t have children?” And with the nicest smile we could muster, we kindly responded with... “IT’S NOT OUR MINISTRY!” Some find it selfish, but before you draw that conclusion about someone, make sure you understand the reason for their decision.

Our personal reason for not wanting to have children did not come out of selfishness. It had nothing to do with wanting to pursue our careers over raising a family, ill feelings towards children, or being afraid to raise children. In fact, when we first got married, we agreed to have at least one child. But as we grew together and began to seek our purpose in life, we realized that God had a different calling on our life: to serve and take care of those who are already here on earth. Yes, children are most certainly a gift from God. But He also gives us free will to choose whether or not we want them. There is no biblical injunction that requires anyone to have children, so although children are a gift from God, He can and does bless those who walk with Him by faith, whether or not they are parents.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
First, understand that your marriage is a ministry. People are watching to see how you handle life’s throws, and they need to see that there is still hope for having a successful marriage. Have a very open conversation with your spouse about your purpose as a married couple. Maybe it’s to help at risk youth. Or it could be to mentor and counsel younger married couples. For others, it could be to serve in the community and address social injustices. Whatever it is, get a very clear understanding of God's purpose…and then live it out confidently.

Know your purpose. And then live it confidently.

Credit: http://www.gotquestions.org/should-I-have-children.html

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Soft Place to Land

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. –Proverbs 31:11
 

 

 

Ever wonder why some people stay so late at work? Ever thought that it could be because they don’t want to go home? As sad as it sounds, there are some people who dread going home. Though the reasons vary, it usually has something to do with their

relationship with their spouse. For some, it’s a nagging or quarrelsome partner. For others, it’s a lack of feeling appreciated. In a world filled with so much uncertainty and inconsistency, it’s important to have a soft place to land in your partner.

{MY LESSON}
In 2007, my mentor shared this precious nugget with me that has molded our marriage: “Be Tristen’s soft place to land.” At the time, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that. But as life handed us triumphs and trials, I learned how to be a consistent supporter, encourager, listener and friend.

He lost his job. He got a speeding ticket. He forgot to pick up the milk. He didn’t get the promotion. He got a pay cut. No matter what life hands him, it’s important for your life partner to know that he has a soft place to land. This doesn’t mean that as his wife you won’t be disappointed or get upset with him. But it does mean that you won’t dwell on the matter and hold it over his head for the rest of his life. If the tables were turned, we would certainly want the same grace.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
1. CHOOSE to be his soft place to land. This will require some effort if you’re not used to it. Take small steps.

2. CHOOSE to stay calm and not get angry when he delivers bad news. He’s already feeling bad about the matter and dreads letting you down.

3. OFFER encouragement. Take the time to put a kind sticky note in his lunch. Send him a text during the day letting him know you’re proud of him. Cook his favorite meal just because.

4. RESPECT him. Real men live by a universal code centered around respect. The greatest way to show him that you’re on his side is to respect him.

As with all of my CC’s Pieces, I encourage you to be the change you want to see. If you desire for your partner to be your soft place to land, become theirs first. Marriage takes work. The good news is that with time, some of this will become second nature to you and you’ll desire to keep your spouse happy.

Be each other’s soft place to land.

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Goals for Your Marriage

“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” –Proverbs 29:18
 

Every year around this time, we begin scribbling out our New Year’s resolutions—exercise more, find a mate, save more. Ironically, very few couples take the time to sit down together to plan their marriage goals. This is mostly because we have the mindset that once we get married, everything else will be fine and we will live happily ever after. But if you’re married, you know that it takes work to keep this boat afloat! Statistics show that nearly 50% of U.S. marriages end in divorce. This is largely because couples spend more time tending to everything else, but neglect the very thing that matters most—their marriage.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I started marriage goal planning a few years ago after my ex-boss shared her experience with doing it with her husband. The first time we shared, I was surprised to learn some of Tristen’s goals. I didn’t know that he desired to achieve so much! I realized at that moment how important it was for us to have this annual goal setting for our marriage.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Designate one person to write down the goals and store it somewhere safe to revisit during the year. I usually keep track of it in my phone and email it to Tristen.

1. Individual Goals- lose 50 lbs. by November, get certification by the end of the year, read 1 book per month

2. Household Goals- save $500/month for 6 month safety net, clean out garage by the end of March, cook at least 3 times per week

3. Marriage goals- This is the time to ask yourselves, “What do I want my relationship to look like?” Set aside 1 hour of quality time in the evening where no cell phones are allowed, be intimate at least 3 times per week, put into practice 1 CC’s Pieces per week

The objective is to list 2-4 goals under each category. Keeping the list short increases the likelihood of achieving your goals because you’re able to focus on a few things at a time. It’s also important to be specific and quantify your goals as much as possible (i.e. lose 50 lbs. by November). Don’t forget to discuss what obstacles may come up when working towards your goals and possible solutions!

Marriage does not have to be a struggle. Setting goals in your marriage is just as important as setting your professional and personal goals. In fact, your marriage should take first priority over your career, finances and children. Ultimately, your relationship with your spouse will determine how successful you are outside of the home. So, let’s start a new annual tradition: setting marriage goals.

Don’t forget. Plan goals for your marriage.

Credit: http://www.goalsettingstrategies.com/goals_for_marriages.html

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Thank You

“…in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” –1Thessalonianas 5:18

How much does a “thank you” cost these days? Oh, it’s free, you say? Well great! Your spouse would like to hear it more often, and not just only on your anniversary, birthday, and Christmas. He would like to hear it whenever he takes out the trash. Whenever he makes the bed. Whenever he helps the k...ids with their homework. Whenever he changes the lightbulb in the bedroom. WHENEVER he does something to make your life easier as his wife.

Somewhere between jumping the broom and putting the kids through college, showing appreciation starts to dwindle. Perhaps we assume that our mate already knows how much we appreciate them. Or maybe we think, “He’s supposed to do that—it’s his responsibility as the head of the household!” But just like you never get tired of him telling you that you’re beautiful…he never gets tired of hearing “thank you.”

 

{MY LESSON}
The most valuable lesson that I’ve learned is that positive reinforcement creates good habits, not asking him over and over again to do something. At first, I thought

Tristen just didn’t want to take out the trash. He knew that trash days were on Tuesdays and Fridays. But the truth was when he leaves to go to work, he has a lot on his mind and taking the trash out to the curb isn’t one of them. So I started dragging the trashcan to the middle of the garage to remind him that it was trash day. That helped a lot, but when I started sending him text messages that said, “I appreciate you taking out the trash today”, he instantaneously started remembering to take out the trash on his own! Wa-la! It’s magic!
 
{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
This will probably be the easiest CC’s Pieces to put into action because there’s only one thing you have to do: JUST SAY IT. Never underestimate the power of a “thank you”. Showing sincere appreciation goes much further than complaining or not showing any thanks at all. Just think about how your heart warms when your child squeals, “Thanks mommy!”

{DIGGING A LITTLE DEEPER}
Our Black men have a number of odds working against them, so when one decides to get married and work hard to do the right thing by his family, that is to be CELEBRATED. Our men can’t hear “thank you” enough. He may never tell you, but as his wife, you must remember that he too needs to feel appreciated. So if you’re having trouble with getting your beau to do his part, start giving out free thank-you’s and watch him transform into the husband and father you prayed for him to be.

No one ever gets tired of hearing “Thank You”.

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Time Apart

"Research and experience confirm that time away from one’s spouse actually strengthens the marital bond.” – Michelle Van Loon, author If Only: Letting Go of Regret

SAY WHAAAAAAAT? This can’t be true. I thought only togetherness strengthens a marriage? The truth is our marriage goes through seasons. If you and your spouse are in the season of rearing children, you may see time together as extremely important and find yourselves planning quick trips away alone together. As the years grow and you find yourselves as “empty nesters”, you and your spouse may be able to appreciate the benefits of spending time apart for personal development, time to catch up with old friends, volunteering, learning a new craft, or simply relaxing.

 

 

{MY LESSON}
As I look back on 8 years of being married to Tristen, I have found that I am more content, at peace and fulfilled as a wife and as a woman. There are many factors that contribute to this, but the biggest one is that he allowed me the time and space to grow in spending some time apart. When we made the decision to not have children, naturally that meant we had a lot of time for togetherness. But we agreed very early on in our relationship that spending short periods of time apart was healthy and just as important as spending time together. It never fails—every time he returns home from being away, I’m SO excited to see him that I nearly break my neck running to the door to greet him!

Here’s something you’ll find interesting. According to Iris Krasnow, author of The Secret Lives of Women: Women Share What It Really Take to Stay Married: “Strategic absences can make spouse's hearts grow fonder.” She also found that, “the happiest wives have a sense of purpose and passion in work and causes outside of the home. Wives who counted on a spouse for fulfillment and sustenance were often angry and lonely.”

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
If this is an area of improvement for you and your mate, here are a few helpful tips:

1. GET ON THE SAME PAGE. Sit down together and agree that time apart is just as important as time together.

2. DEFINE “TIME APART”. For the wife, that may mean spending one weekend per month with her girlfriends. For the husband, that may mean staying at home to relax or improving his golf game.

3. CHECK IN. Whenever you’re apart, send a quick text message or make a quick call to your spouse to let him/her know you’re thinking about them. (This is especially helpful if you have a mate who is having a hard time adjusting to the time apart concept.)

4. DON’T ABUSE IT! Spending time apart requires trust, and trust is not easily regained when broken. Be wise about how you choose to spend your time apart.

The goal of temporary separations isn't to encourage couples to grow apart; it's to come back together in order to move forward. When done correctly, not only will you both find yourselves more fulfilled as individuals, but you will also develop an even tighter marriage bond. So give it a try. Prove me wrong.

Time apart is just as important as time together.

Credits:http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/october/taking-break-from-your-spouse.html?paging=off

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Don't Abandon Your Enjoyments

Besides being a mother, being a wife is one of the most selfless titles a woman can ever have. Women are constant nurturers and caregivers who give so much of ourselves that if we’re not careful, we will lose our very own identity. God has given all of us unique gifts, talents and interests that should not be tossed out the window just because our title changes to “wife” or “husband”. If you have a spouse who is struggling in this area, he/she needs your support and encouragement.

{MY LESSON}
During the first few years of being married, I was “Team Tristen” to the core. I made my interests his interests. My time was his time. Most of this was by choice because when you’re courting/newly married, part of you desires to be with your mate every waking moment. But as we well know, life is in seasons.

Around year five in our marriage, I found myself transitioning into a new season of self re-discovery. With the onset of going natural in 2010, I began to unearth hidden talents and interests that I didn’t know I had. From fitness, to modeling, to dancing, I was gradually being re-introduced to myself. Initially, it felt awkward spending time apart, almost like a sin! But no matter what new interest I found, Tristen gave his unwavering support and cheered me on. Essentially, he gave me room to be me and to grow.

I genuinely believe that because of Tristen's selflessness, our marriage has thrived. But here’s the key: We balanced our time between sharing common interests and cultivating our own individual enjoyments. Along the way, we both learned the art of sacrificing our own preferences for the betterment of the other. For example, I’m not passionate about football, but he is, so I attend football watch parties with him. He’s not passionate about dancing, but I am, so he will attend dance classes with me to show his support.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” This also applies to the marriage bond. Sacrificing your own interests for the betterment of your relationship is truly what marriage is about.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
It’s important for husbands and wives to share common interests, but not abandon their individual enjoyments. If this is an area that you want to work on with your spouse, here are a few tips to help:

1. Have an open conversation with your spouse. “Honey, I miss taking art classes. For me, it is therapeutic and allows me some time to unwind after a long week with the kids.”

2. Discuss an action plan. “I would like to have one weekend per month, for one hour, to take art classes. Can you watch the kids for me while I’m gone?”

3. Show your appreciation. “Honey, I really appreciate you understanding how important this is to me. I love you and the kids very much, and I appreciate you all reciprocating that love by giving me the time to enjoy my art classes.”

Husbands, here’s a helpful tip: If you see that your wife is becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the day-to-day life tasks, now would be a great time to introduce this CC’s Pieces to her and encourage her to break away to do something she enjoys. Just watch how rejuvenated she will return home!

Share common interests, but don’t abandon your enjoyments.

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