Make Time for Each Other

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” --Genesis 2:24

How long has it been since you and your spouse had a date night? I know. It’s been a while, and you don’t see it happening anytime soon because life is so busy. But, if we check our priorities, are they in the right order? Be honest, is this yours right now: 1. Kids 2. Work 3. Home 4. Spouse? That’s okay, you don’t have to admit it. For most of us, that is the order, and that’s why we don’t have time for our partner. Life is so much busier now with so many things competing for our time-- work, kids, social media, television, extra-curricular activities...

{MY LESSON}
 

I came to the realization one day that we spend more time with people on our job than we do at home with our own spouse—sobering! So as life continues to demand more out of us, we have to be intentional about spending time with our spouse.  Tristen and I have a weekly standing appointment every Thursday for date night. It’s not always at a fancy restaurant. In fact, it’s usually at home with our favorite takeout in front of one of our Netflix shows. If you have small children, your date night may start after the kids are down for bed. Sharing a bowl of ice cream or a nice cup of tea with your honey snuggled up in bed is just as effective. It’s all about intentionally carving out time out of your day to spend with your husband. The key to this is agreeing on a night to schedule your date, and STICKING TO IT!

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

 

1.     LEARN TO SAY “NO.” It’s okay. You cannot be everything to everyone, nor does God expect for you to be. I personally struggled in this area, so I can speak first-hand to it. Initially, it won’t feel right to say “NO” because you’re so used to saying “YES”. But know that it doesn’t make you any less of a person to say no. This also applies to your children!

2.     STOP TRYING TO KEEP UP. Yep, we’re all guilty of it—trying to keep up with the Joneses. You want the nice cars and the big house like them, but you have NO IDEA what it took for them to acquire them. If gaining these material things require you to work yourself to death and to spend excessive amounts of time away from your family, it’s not worth it.

 

3.     PRIORITIZE. Before starting your day, make a list of your priority items that must get done that day. Limit it to no more than 5 items, if you can. Make sure your partner is listed somewhere on that list—whether it be picking up his dry cleaning, preparing a meal before he gets home, or calling to check on him at least once that day. He needs to know that he’s on your daily list of priorities.

 

4.     KEEP YOUR COMMITMENTS WITH ONE ANOTHER. If you schedule a date night with one another, do everything you can to keep that commitment. Sure, things do come up, but consider rescheduling the conflicting appointment before rescheduling your date night.

Become intentional about spending time with your life partner. Just implementing these four practices will help you to quickly regain control over how you prioritize your time allow you to share more of it with the one who matters most, your spouse.

 

Make time for each other. The world can wait.

Credit: http://abiblicalmarriage.com/making-your-husband-a-priority/

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Expectations -- The Silent Killer of Marriages

“The hope of the righteous brings joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish.”  -Proverbs 10:28

I read an interesting article over the weekend that really opened my eyes. In researching the top reasons why couples divorce, I frequently run across the same answers: finances, sex and adultery. But an article by Jessica Orwig featured in Business Insider, “Here’s Why Marriage Is Harder than Ever”, introduced a new culprit: Expectations.

According to Northwestern University’s psychology professor, Eli Finkel, compared to previous generations, “today’s marriages make it harder for couples to cultivate a flourishing relationship.” This is what he also refers to as the “suffocation model of marriage in America”. What expectations do you have of your spouse that could be suffocating your union? Here are a few common ones:

·         She expects him to continue to do the sweet things he did during courtship.

·         He expects her to take have a career, care for the home, and tend to the children. He believes he doesn’t need to be as involved with domestic responsibilities.

·         She expects him to make more money as the husband.

·         He expects intimacy every night.

·         She expects him to stop socializing once they marry. The only friend he needs is her.

The list goes on and on. And we keep suffocating each other more and more…to the brink of divorce. Let’s pull the plug on this one in 2015 and reevaluate our expectations.

{MY LESSON}

“Cooking is not my domestic gift.” There. I said it. The truth is, I’m just coming to terms with this, almost 8 years into our marriage. It’s not that I can’t cook; Mr. Sutton enjoys my meals a lot when I actually do cook. But if you left it to me, we would eat out 7 days a week. That’s because for whatever unknown reason, I get anxiety over having to decide what to cook. And if I’m trying a new recipe, I get even more nerved up about it turning out right.  I know it sounds strange, but cooking is stressful for me! But it’s not for Tristen. He’s actually really good with coming up with different recipes and concocting his own seasonings.

Recently, I got to my breaking point and came out with the truth to Tristen: “I don’t enjoy cooking. I enjoy cleaning and just about any other domestic responsibility. Can you please take over cooking?” That was probably one of the toughest conversations I’ve ever had with him. I was finally admitting that I didn’t enjoy something that according to society, EVERY wife should love to do and be great at it. Though it was tough, I literally felt the veil of suffocation release the top of my head. Tristen was understanding and has graciously taken over his area of expertise in the kitchen. I still do make “guest appearances” and whip up a little something for my honey, but I actually enjoy the experience now. Perhaps because it’s no longer an act out of expectation, but out of love…

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

Husbands, what expectations are you suffocating your wife with? Wives, ask yourselves the same question.

1.       ASK YOURSELF, “Why do I have these expectations of my spouse? Are the motives behind my expectations selfish?” Is it because you saw your parents do it? Is it because your buddy’s wife does it? Is it because society says you should have those expectations?

2.       SEEK WAYS TO HELP your spouse in the areas that you see them drowning in. Your wife may seem like she’s super woman, but even super heroes need a break. She can’t have a career, tend to domestic responsibilities AND take care of the children all on her own. She needs you.

3.       HAVE AN OPEN & HONEST CONVERSATION with your spouse. If we know communication is the key, why do we shy away from it so much? Yes, communicating makes you vulnerable, but it’s also very liberating and brings healing.

4.       SHOW APPRECIATION. This goes back to my previous CC’s Pieces, “No one ever gets tired of hearing “Thank You”.

Chances are, your spouse may not even realize they’re suffocating. That’s where being in tune with one another comes into play. Try something this week: Observe the way your spouse handles day-to-day responsibilities and seek ways to help in the areas that he/struggles with. Take control and don’t allow your expectations to kill your marriage.

Expectations – The Silent Killer of Marriages

Credit:  http://www.businessinsider.com/why-marriage-is-hard-2015-1

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/what-does-the-bible-say-about-expectations-a-christian-study/

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A King & a Fool

"However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." –Ephesians 5:33

Ooooh! You get on MY NERVES! Sounds familiar? I’m sure we have all been guilty of saying this to our partner at one point or another, but starting today, let’s choose to start speaking to the king in him, and not the fool.

{MY LESSON}
During one of our morning gym chats with my dear friend, Nkechi, this CC’s Pieces birthed. Stop and think about what you say to your partner on a daily basis. Sure, there are times when he makes you so mad that before you even realize it, you’ve spouted out something in anger. But examine your heart. Are you intentionally saying things to tear him down? Sometimes, we intend to say something to help our partner, but instead it causes harm. That’s because it’s not always what you say but how you say it. If you believe your husband to be your king, but you speak to him in a condescending manner, he will act accordingly. Even if your partner is not where he needs to be as your king, speak it in faith over him! We speak the words of life…

Tristen and I joke around a lot, but what remains consistent is my respect for him. Daily, I make it a point to speak to the king in him. In the morning, “You’re going to have a productive day and God is going to give you wisdom on how to manage your business this week.” In the evening, “I’m really proud of you. Running your own business isn’t easy.” Even if you feel like your partner could be doing more, praise him for what he is doing. We are all a work in progress and need each other’s grace and encouragement.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
The last few CC’s Pieces have been centered around respect for your husband, and that’s the recurring theme for this one as well. Our husbands may not share our same love language, but one language that that they all speak is respect. What if he doesn’t deserve my respect? It’s not a matter of “deserving”. There are a lot of things that God gives us that we don’t deserve. But because He loves us, He gives it to us anyway. And this is what He calls us to do in our marriage as well.

• EXAMINE YOUR HEART. What’s in your heart will come out. If your heart isn’t right, you will be more prone to speaking to the fool in him rather than the king.
• THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. Enough said. Once you put it out there, you can’t take it back.
• SAY IT ANYWAY. Even when you don’t feel like saying positive things to your spouse, say them anyway. Especially in difficult times, your king needs to hear a positive word from you. Speak words of life over one another daily.
• ARGUE IN LOVE. Learn how to communicate your feelings without it compromising your marriage. Your emotions should not run you.
• APOLOGIZE. If you say something hurtful to your spouse, humble yourself and apologize quickly. We’re not guaranteed tomorrow.

Give this a try for 1 week and then let me know what kind of changes you start to see in your husband. You can thank me later.

In every man is a king and a fool. You get whichever one you speak to.

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Embrace Change

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." –2 Corinthians 5:17

“I’ve been like this my whole life! I’M NOT CHANGING!” Hopefully, you will never have to hear your spouse say this to you, but chances are (if she’s human), she will say it at least once during your marriage. Usually when one says they can’t/won’t change something, it’s because they are afraid of what the change will produce. But one thing in marriage that is inevitable is CHANGE. Marriages go through seasons, and seasons change. A sure sign of a healthy marriage is the couple’s ability to adapt to these changes.
 

 

                                                                     {
MY LESSON}
I have long legs. Never thought this would turn into an issue until one day,  Tristen brought it to my attention that I often walked in front of him instead of alongside him. My initial response was defensive, “I have long legs, so naturally, I have wider strides. Keep up!” Though I wasn’t intentionally walking in front of him, this really bothered him. I insisted that he was walking too slowly, but after I started to realize how upset this made him, I began looking for a solution.

When you find yourself struggling with change, no matter how big or small, that means that it’s time to start relying on God. When I began praying and seeking God on the matter, He made my heart more sensitive towards Tristen’s concern and gave me ways to help combat the issue. As with any habit, it doesn’t change overnight and you may find yourself slipping back into it periodically. But after much prayer and a desire to improve in this area, I do better with walking alongside Tristen.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
When tackling this CC’s Pieces, it’s important to keep in mind that it’s not about being right and proving your partner wrong. It’s about compromise and being willing to make a change for the betterment of your marriage.

1. Ask yourself, “What’s one thing that my spouse really desires that I change?”

2. Seek God on the issue and ask him to give you the desire to change. You have to want to change before you can start seeing a true change.

3. Let your partner know that you understand their concern and that you have a desire to change. This step is important because your partner needs to be aware that you are working on the issue. Usually, he will give you room while you’re adjusting to the change.

4. Get to work! Try different methods if the first method doesn’t work. If it’s important to your partner, don’t give up until you find a solution!

Embrace Change. It’s not going anywhere.

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Soft Place to Land

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. –Proverbs 31:11
 

 

 

Ever wonder why some people stay so late at work? Ever thought that it could be because they don’t want to go home? As sad as it sounds, there are some people who dread going home. Though the reasons vary, it usually has something to do with their

relationship with their spouse. For some, it’s a nagging or quarrelsome partner. For others, it’s a lack of feeling appreciated. In a world filled with so much uncertainty and inconsistency, it’s important to have a soft place to land in your partner.

{MY LESSON}
In 2007, my mentor shared this precious nugget with me that has molded our marriage: “Be Tristen’s soft place to land.” At the time, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that. But as life handed us triumphs and trials, I learned how to be a consistent supporter, encourager, listener and friend.

He lost his job. He got a speeding ticket. He forgot to pick up the milk. He didn’t get the promotion. He got a pay cut. No matter what life hands him, it’s important for your life partner to know that he has a soft place to land. This doesn’t mean that as his wife you won’t be disappointed or get upset with him. But it does mean that you won’t dwell on the matter and hold it over his head for the rest of his life. If the tables were turned, we would certainly want the same grace.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
1. CHOOSE to be his soft place to land. This will require some effort if you’re not used to it. Take small steps.

2. CHOOSE to stay calm and not get angry when he delivers bad news. He’s already feeling bad about the matter and dreads letting you down.

3. OFFER encouragement. Take the time to put a kind sticky note in his lunch. Send him a text during the day letting him know you’re proud of him. Cook his favorite meal just because.

4. RESPECT him. Real men live by a universal code centered around respect. The greatest way to show him that you’re on his side is to respect him.

As with all of my CC’s Pieces, I encourage you to be the change you want to see. If you desire for your partner to be your soft place to land, become theirs first. Marriage takes work. The good news is that with time, some of this will become second nature to you and you’ll desire to keep your spouse happy.

Be each other’s soft place to land.

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Goals for Your Marriage

“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” –Proverbs 29:18
 

Every year around this time, we begin scribbling out our New Year’s resolutions—exercise more, find a mate, save more. Ironically, very few couples take the time to sit down together to plan their marriage goals. This is mostly because we have the mindset that once we get married, everything else will be fine and we will live happily ever after. But if you’re married, you know that it takes work to keep this boat afloat! Statistics show that nearly 50% of U.S. marriages end in divorce. This is largely because couples spend more time tending to everything else, but neglect the very thing that matters most—their marriage.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I started marriage goal planning a few years ago after my ex-boss shared her experience with doing it with her husband. The first time we shared, I was surprised to learn some of Tristen’s goals. I didn’t know that he desired to achieve so much! I realized at that moment how important it was for us to have this annual goal setting for our marriage.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Designate one person to write down the goals and store it somewhere safe to revisit during the year. I usually keep track of it in my phone and email it to Tristen.

1. Individual Goals- lose 50 lbs. by November, get certification by the end of the year, read 1 book per month

2. Household Goals- save $500/month for 6 month safety net, clean out garage by the end of March, cook at least 3 times per week

3. Marriage goals- This is the time to ask yourselves, “What do I want my relationship to look like?” Set aside 1 hour of quality time in the evening where no cell phones are allowed, be intimate at least 3 times per week, put into practice 1 CC’s Pieces per week

The objective is to list 2-4 goals under each category. Keeping the list short increases the likelihood of achieving your goals because you’re able to focus on a few things at a time. It’s also important to be specific and quantify your goals as much as possible (i.e. lose 50 lbs. by November). Don’t forget to discuss what obstacles may come up when working towards your goals and possible solutions!

Marriage does not have to be a struggle. Setting goals in your marriage is just as important as setting your professional and personal goals. In fact, your marriage should take first priority over your career, finances and children. Ultimately, your relationship with your spouse will determine how successful you are outside of the home. So, let’s start a new annual tradition: setting marriage goals.

Don’t forget. Plan goals for your marriage.

Credit: http://www.goalsettingstrategies.com/goals_for_marriages.html

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Time Apart

"Research and experience confirm that time away from one’s spouse actually strengthens the marital bond.” – Michelle Van Loon, author If Only: Letting Go of Regret

SAY WHAAAAAAAT? This can’t be true. I thought only togetherness strengthens a marriage? The truth is our marriage goes through seasons. If you and your spouse are in the season of rearing children, you may see time together as extremely important and find yourselves planning quick trips away alone together. As the years grow and you find yourselves as “empty nesters”, you and your spouse may be able to appreciate the benefits of spending time apart for personal development, time to catch up with old friends, volunteering, learning a new craft, or simply relaxing.

 

 

{MY LESSON}
As I look back on 8 years of being married to Tristen, I have found that I am more content, at peace and fulfilled as a wife and as a woman. There are many factors that contribute to this, but the biggest one is that he allowed me the time and space to grow in spending some time apart. When we made the decision to not have children, naturally that meant we had a lot of time for togetherness. But we agreed very early on in our relationship that spending short periods of time apart was healthy and just as important as spending time together. It never fails—every time he returns home from being away, I’m SO excited to see him that I nearly break my neck running to the door to greet him!

Here’s something you’ll find interesting. According to Iris Krasnow, author of The Secret Lives of Women: Women Share What It Really Take to Stay Married: “Strategic absences can make spouse's hearts grow fonder.” She also found that, “the happiest wives have a sense of purpose and passion in work and causes outside of the home. Wives who counted on a spouse for fulfillment and sustenance were often angry and lonely.”

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
If this is an area of improvement for you and your mate, here are a few helpful tips:

1. GET ON THE SAME PAGE. Sit down together and agree that time apart is just as important as time together.

2. DEFINE “TIME APART”. For the wife, that may mean spending one weekend per month with her girlfriends. For the husband, that may mean staying at home to relax or improving his golf game.

3. CHECK IN. Whenever you’re apart, send a quick text message or make a quick call to your spouse to let him/her know you’re thinking about them. (This is especially helpful if you have a mate who is having a hard time adjusting to the time apart concept.)

4. DON’T ABUSE IT! Spending time apart requires trust, and trust is not easily regained when broken. Be wise about how you choose to spend your time apart.

The goal of temporary separations isn't to encourage couples to grow apart; it's to come back together in order to move forward. When done correctly, not only will you both find yourselves more fulfilled as individuals, but you will also develop an even tighter marriage bond. So give it a try. Prove me wrong.

Time apart is just as important as time together.

Credits:http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/october/taking-break-from-your-spouse.html?paging=off

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Don't Abandon Your Enjoyments

Besides being a mother, being a wife is one of the most selfless titles a woman can ever have. Women are constant nurturers and caregivers who give so much of ourselves that if we’re not careful, we will lose our very own identity. God has given all of us unique gifts, talents and interests that should not be tossed out the window just because our title changes to “wife” or “husband”. If you have a spouse who is struggling in this area, he/she needs your support and encouragement.

{MY LESSON}
During the first few years of being married, I was “Team Tristen” to the core. I made my interests his interests. My time was his time. Most of this was by choice because when you’re courting/newly married, part of you desires to be with your mate every waking moment. But as we well know, life is in seasons.

Around year five in our marriage, I found myself transitioning into a new season of self re-discovery. With the onset of going natural in 2010, I began to unearth hidden talents and interests that I didn’t know I had. From fitness, to modeling, to dancing, I was gradually being re-introduced to myself. Initially, it felt awkward spending time apart, almost like a sin! But no matter what new interest I found, Tristen gave his unwavering support and cheered me on. Essentially, he gave me room to be me and to grow.

I genuinely believe that because of Tristen's selflessness, our marriage has thrived. But here’s the key: We balanced our time between sharing common interests and cultivating our own individual enjoyments. Along the way, we both learned the art of sacrificing our own preferences for the betterment of the other. For example, I’m not passionate about football, but he is, so I attend football watch parties with him. He’s not passionate about dancing, but I am, so he will attend dance classes with me to show his support.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” This also applies to the marriage bond. Sacrificing your own interests for the betterment of your relationship is truly what marriage is about.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
It’s important for husbands and wives to share common interests, but not abandon their individual enjoyments. If this is an area that you want to work on with your spouse, here are a few tips to help:

1. Have an open conversation with your spouse. “Honey, I miss taking art classes. For me, it is therapeutic and allows me some time to unwind after a long week with the kids.”

2. Discuss an action plan. “I would like to have one weekend per month, for one hour, to take art classes. Can you watch the kids for me while I’m gone?”

3. Show your appreciation. “Honey, I really appreciate you understanding how important this is to me. I love you and the kids very much, and I appreciate you all reciprocating that love by giving me the time to enjoy my art classes.”

Husbands, here’s a helpful tip: If you see that your wife is becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the day-to-day life tasks, now would be a great time to introduce this CC’s Pieces to her and encourage her to break away to do something she enjoys. Just watch how rejuvenated she will return home!

Share common interests, but don’t abandon your enjoyments.

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UNDERSTAND. UNDERSTOOD.

 

UGH! HE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME!!  Question (answer truthfully!): When you’re having a discussion with your mate, do you typically seek first to understand or to be understood?

While having date night with a couple of friends, the question came up from one of the ladies, “How can I effectively communicate with him?” (pointing to her date). She went on to explain that she feels like he doesn’...t understand her and she feels it may be because they don’t really know how to communicate with one another. When I asked her the same question, do you seek to understand or to be understood, she answered truthfully, “to be understood.” After thinking about it for a second, she began to realize where their breakdown in communication was stemming from.

Effective communication is an art and can take time for some to grasp ahold to, especially since we live in a world now where we let our fingers do most of the talking. We also become too consumed with proving a point and convincing the other person that we’re right and they’re wrong. But everything should not always be about being right/wrong. Remember, you and your mate are on the same team!

{MY LESSON}
This is an area that I work on daily, but I've seen great improvement in how I communicate with Tristen since 2007, the year we got married. As a new wife, I allowed my communication to be controlled by my emotions, and as we all know, men don't respond too kindly to that! I remember saying to Tristen quite often "You don't understand me!" Never did it occur to me that I needed to first seek to understand him (must be one of the side effects of being an only child). But Tristen remained patient with me as I worked through it, and with time and MUCH prayer, God transformed how I communicated with him. Yes, wives, you will still have moments where you revert back to your old communication style (seeking to be understood). But with time, those occurrences become few and far between.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Here are ways you can get back on track with communicating effectively with your spouse:

• Seek to understand first.
In order to do this, you have to allow your mate to complete their thoughts without interruption and show that you are ACTIVELY listening. Active listening means that you are focused on their words, tone of voice, and body language. Active listening means you are not formulating what your next response is going to be so you can one-up your spouse.

• Summarize what your spouse has expressed in order to show you are listening and engaged.
Example: “So what I hear you saying, Tristen, is that you don’t like it when I leave the cap off the toothpaste because it gets messy, right?”

• Respond in love, not tit-for-tat.
As a defense mechanism, sometimes when our spouse expresses they're upset with us, we retaliate with something else they've done to deflect the attention off of us. But the most effective way to deal with an upset spouse is to respond in love.
Example: “Well, I apologize Tristen for leaving the cap off the toothpaste. I was in a hurry, so I forgot to put it back on. I will be more mindful of that next time.”

Note: Remember that communication is about presentation as well. If you’re the one who is expressing a fault to your spouse, be mindful of your tone and how you’re expressing your concerns. Remember, “It’s not always about what you say, but how you say it.”

Seek first to understand. Then to be unserstood.

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