“Lord, I want a man who is 6’2”, attractive, athletic, makes
six figures, has a college degree, has a big house, drives a nice luxury car, dresses
well, smells good, goes to church regularly, has no children, has never been
married, a great lover in bed, and gives foot massages at least once a week.”
Though humorous, these are the types of qualities many women are seeking in a husband. And though there's nothing wrong with wanting any of these things, they are what I call “the cosmetics.” Sure, we all want someone
who is easy on the eyes and can offer us the best things in life, but if his
values are out of whack, all the other things don’t matter. As women, we all
know the importance of applying the right foundation when putting on make-up. Let's apply this same principle when seeking out the right spouse.
{MY LESSON- “THE COSMETICS”}
As a single woman, the key things that I specifically prayed
for in a husband were someone who loved the Lord, worked hard, shared the same
values as me, someone who was easy on the eyes (it didn’t have to be Idris
Elba, but hey, I had to find him attractive), and lastly, someone who would
love me more than I loved him (I’ll explain that a little later). Then, during my
sophomore year in college, Tristen Sutton walked into the room at an INROADS
summer training workshop. Though he was driving a 1996 Honda and barely made enough
to afford his part of the rent at the time, I knew I had spotted great potential.
I’m not a sappy person, so I’m not going to tell a story
about him sweeping me off of my feet. But I will be honest and say that he was
the first guy, that I can recall, who I actually went up to and introduced
myself first. I had just pledged Delta Sigma Theta Sorority that year, so you
have to understand that this was a BIG deal (you know how some sorority girls
can be in thinking that they shouldn’t have to lift a finger---EVERY guy should
want to be with them by default.) So what made me approach him you ask?
His presence. I knew the moment he entered the room he was different
from all the other guys. His stately stature and inviting smile was my first
indicator. CHECK. As I watched him work the room
interacting with the other interns, I noticed that he was just like me—not cliquish
and enjoyed being around other people. Another Check. Then, when I finally
mustered up the courage to approach him…THOSE HAZEL EYES! Check. Check. CHECK. It was a wrap!
{“THE FOUNDATION”}
Though we didn’t start dating until after college (which I
believe was by God’s design), we did establish a great friendship that
rekindled every summer when he returned from Texas A&M. I learned that he
was a devout Christian man who had re-dedicated his life to celibacy in hopes
that God would bless him with the wife he had prayed for. As if our stories
couldn’t have been any more similar, I was honoring God in the same manner with
holding on to my virginity until marriage. So another big check—we shared the
same core values. Finally, when we started dating late 2005, I found my answer to
the last request that I prayed for: someone who loved me more than I loved him.
What does that mean?
This was a golden nugget that my mother instilled in me
early, and I’m so glad that she did. By nature, women are nurturers, tend to
give way more than we probably should sometimes, and we love harder. So to find
a man who genuinely loved me more than I loved him would almost be like spotting
a unicorn. Every guy that I had been with before Tristen, though they were good
guys, I knew that I loved them far more than they loved me, which is probably
why it didn’t work out. For the FIRST time, I had met a guy who loved me more
than I loved him. It took some time for me to realize it, but the key
indicators were: he called me just as much as I called him, he consistently
showed a genuine concern for my well-being, he expressed his love for me daily
through his actions, and he openly communicated his desire to one day make me
his wife. After dating for about one year, he asked my mother for my hand in
marriage, and she joyfully gave her blessing.
{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
God knows what you desire and what’s best for you. He will give you some things that you prayed for, and then others, he
won’t…at least not at that time. Don’t get so wrapped up in the cosmetics.
Tristen had a little weight to work off, and I’m sure I was no Beyoncé to him
either. But we were both wise enough to realize that the foundation was right,
and that’s what mattered most. Here are a few golden nuggets to help you on
your journey to marriage:
1. LEARN TO BE CONTENT and be diligent in serving the
Kingdom while single. (1
Corinthians 7:17) Marriage is a blessing, but it is not for the selfish or faint
at heart. It takes work. (1 Corinthians 7:28)
2. PRAY SPECIFICALLY for what you desire in a mate.
And be sure that you can offer the same!
3. PREPARE NOW for becoming a wife. Being a Godly
wife is more than just wearing a beautiful ring on your left hand. (Proverbs
31)
4. TRUST GOD to lead your Boaz to you. HE who finds
a good wife, finds a good thing. Not the other way around. (Proverbs 18:22)
5.
DON’T SETTLE.
· Guard your heart. Everyone is not looking out
for your best interest. So you have to remain diligent in protecting yourself. (Proverbs
4:23)
·
Remain sexually pure until marriage. (1 Corinthians
7:1-7)
·
Do not be unequally yoked. This goes for dating
as well. (2 Corinthians 6:14)
This CC’s Pieces is dedicated to every woman travailing
through singlehood. I know you want that unicorn, but don’t miss your blessing
by being too focused on the exterior! Get the foundation right, and God will
show you when and how to apply the cosmetics.
Pray for the right foundation.
You can apply the cosmetics later.
#FightforLove
#SayNotoDivorce
#BlackMarriageMatters
#BlackMarriageRocks
#Marriageisaministry
