A = Address Issues Respectfully {What Am I Saying “I Do” to? M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E. Series}

 

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1

You’re boiling mad at him. You feel a furnace in your chest ready to detonate with anger, and deep down inside, you can’t wait to go smooooooth off on him. Yes, you know the “Christian thing to do”, but you allow your emotions to erode your better judgement. ...As your conscious embraces the justification for your wrath…as you zone in on your prey, prepared to do some tongue-taming…you pierce your fork right through his unwelcomed offense, and discharge your venom…

Starting in this new year, 2016, we sisters are going to do our part in communicating with our husband the way God instructs us to in Proverbs 15:1. Declare today:

I’m going to put my emotions and feelings in the backseat and regain control of how I respond to my husband.

I’m going to grant the same amount of grace to my husband as I would want granted to me when I make mistakes.

I’m going to learn how to express my desires and concerns calmly and respectfully towards him.

When I’m wrong, I’m going to humble myself and apologize to my husband. Even when I’m not wrong, I’m going to run towards reconciliation, even if that means I have to apologize first.

When I look at him, I’m going to remember the love that I had for him in my youth and pour out that same love out on him today.

Dear God, I’m asking that you will elevate me above my emotions, above my feelings, above my past hurts, above my fears and worries, above my self-righteous thinking and place me beside my husband as his helpmate, his encourager, his confidant, his soft place to land. Amen.

God never intended for marriage to be full of discord and unhappiness. You have to believe in it and work at developing a harmonious and enjoyable life with your spouse. It does not mean that you will always agree on everything. That comes with any relationship where there are two individuals. But God gives us the wisdom to choose how we’re going to handle difficult situations. Today, I encourage you to sit down with your husband and agree to address issues respectfully with one another going forward.

Put it Into Action:
1. Try our “Out of Love” communication starter, http://tinyurl.com/outofloveccspieces. After almost 9 years of marriage to my best friend, it still works.
2. Choose. Your. Attitude. You do have a choice! Believe the best in your spouse.
3. Don’t take everything so seriously. Learn to let some things go.
4. Seek wise counseling together. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

So, the next time you're engaged in a disagreement with your husband, choose to approach it differently, respectfully. You may be surprised to see how he responds to it...

 

“Communication is key, but how you communicate will motivate him to stay or flee.” – CC

What Am I Saying “I Do” to? M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E. Series
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Marriage: A Lifelong Commitment. Not a Lackadaisical Convenience.

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Matthew 19:6

 

 

What’s the longest marriage you’ve ever heard of? Did you wonder what made that couple stay committed for so long? If you’ve ever asked a wife who’s been married for 20+ years what made her stay, she’s not likely to say his good looks or his skills in the bedroom. So why do so many of us select who we’re going to marry based on how good he looks or how great he is in bed? Choosing a mate based solely on these  qualities are a sure way to end up in divorce court. If you’re recently engaged or on the dating front line, this CC’s Pieces is going to serve it to you straight!

{MY LESSON}

MARRIAGE IS REAL. Now what comes after “REAL” is what you make it. Real “fun”. Real “hard”. You and your spouse get to define what that is. When Tristen and I first got married, marriage for me was real “different”. I had to adjust to a lot of new things—sharing space with someone (I’m an only child), learning how to be submissive, having to learn a whole new person, etc. But the one lesson that I had to learn quickly was that divorce was not an option. I’ll be honest, in the beginning, it was easier said than done. Running away can seem like the best option when things aren’t going as planned. But we have to make a decision to not allow divorce to be an option, and to this day, we don’t mention the word in our home.

What makes marriage so different from any other human relationship is that it is designed to be a lifelong commitment. There are no other relationships referenced in the Bible where we are commanded to be committed for a lifetime to someone—not to our parents, not to our children, not to our friends, not to our boss. Only to our spouse. How do you stay committed to one person for so long in this day and time? It’s a choice. Every day, you choose to work through the issues. Every day, you choose to love your spouse unconditionally. Every day, you choose to live selflessly for the betterment of your marriage.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

1.      Divorce is not an option. Don’t even allow the word to escape your mouth or enter your home. Marriage is a selfless commitment, and divorce has no place in selflessness. Yes, times may get extremely hard where divorce seems to be the only option. But know that God wants you to seek wise counsel during those times. He wants your marriage to make it.

2.     Stay. Don’t run away. When you run into obstacles or conflicts in your marriage, what do you normally automatically do? Do you get upset? Do you leave the house? Do you place the blame on him? Or do you work it out together?

3.     Plan for the future. Where do you see your marriage five, ten years from now? Share your vision with your spouse to make sure you both share the same hopes and dreams.

4.     Pray. Pray. Pray! God never intended for us to do marriage alone. This is a team effort, and you’re definitely going to need Him to help you through the journey. Take the time to pray together daily-- even if you're short on time.

Your marriage is what you make of it. There’s no such thing as a perfect one. But just remember…

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, not a lackadaisical convenience.

Credit: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/strengthening-your-marriage/mentoring-101/marriage-discussion-12-traits

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Make-up 101: Applying the Right Foundation

“Lord, I want a man who is 6’2”, attractive, athletic, makes six figures, has a college degree, has a big house, drives a nice luxury car, dresses well, smells good, goes to church regularly, has no children, has never been married, a great lover in bed, and gives foot massages at least once a week.”

Though humorous, these are the types of qualities many women are seeking in a husband. And though there's nothing wrong with wanting any of these things, they are what I call “the cosmetics.” Sure, we all want someone who is easy on the eyes and can offer us the best things in life, but if his values are out of whack, all the other things don’t matter. As women, we all know the importance of applying the right foundation when putting on make-up. Let's apply this same principle when seeking out the right spouse.

{MY LESSON- “THE COSMETICS”}

As a single woman, the key things that I specifically prayed for in a husband were someone who loved the Lord, worked hard, shared the same values as me, someone who was easy on the eyes (it didn’t have to be Idris Elba, but hey, I had to find him attractive), and lastly, someone who would love me more than I loved him (I’ll explain that a little later). Then, during my sophomore year in college, Tristen Sutton walked into the room at an INROADS summer training workshop. Though he was driving a 1996 Honda and barely made enough to afford his part of the rent at the time, I knew I had spotted great potential.

I’m not a sappy person, so I’m not going to tell a story about him sweeping me off of my feet. But I will be honest and say that he was the first guy, that I can recall, who I actually went up to and introduced myself first. I had just pledged Delta Sigma Theta Sorority that year, so you have to understand that this was a BIG deal (you know how some sorority girls can be in thinking that they shouldn’t have to lift a finger---EVERY guy should want to be with them by default.) So what made me approach him you ask?

His presence. I knew the moment he entered the room he was different from all the other guys. His stately stature and inviting smile was my first indicator. CHECK. As I watched him work the room interacting with the other interns, I noticed that he was just like me—not cliquish and enjoyed being around other people. Another Check. Then, when I finally mustered up the courage to approach him…THOSE HAZEL EYES! Check. Check. CHECK. It was a wrap!

{“THE FOUNDATION”}

Though we didn’t start dating until after college (which I believe was by God’s design), we did establish a great friendship that rekindled every summer when he returned from Texas A&M. I learned that he was a devout Christian man who had re-dedicated his life to celibacy in hopes that God would bless him with the wife he had prayed for. As if our stories couldn’t have been any more similar, I was honoring God in the same manner with holding on to my virginity until marriage. So another big check—we shared the same core values. Finally, when we started dating late 2005, I found my answer to the last request that I prayed for: someone who loved me more than I loved him. What does that mean?

This was a golden nugget that my mother instilled in me early, and I’m so glad that she did. By nature, women are nurturers, tend to give way more than we probably should sometimes, and we love harder. So to find a man who genuinely loved me more than I loved him would almost be like spotting a unicorn. Every guy that I had been with before Tristen, though they were good guys, I knew that I loved them far more than they loved me, which is probably why it didn’t work out. For the FIRST time, I had met a guy who loved me more than I loved him. It took some time for me to realize it, but the key indicators were: he called me just as much as I called him, he consistently showed a genuine concern for my well-being, he expressed his love for me daily through his actions, and he openly communicated his desire to one day make me his wife. After dating for about one year, he asked my mother for my hand in marriage, and she joyfully gave her blessing.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

God knows what you desire and what’s best for you. He will give you some things that you prayed for, and then others, he won’t…at least not at that time. Don’t get so wrapped up in the cosmetics. Tristen had a little weight to work off, and I’m sure I was no Beyoncé to him either. But we were both wise enough to realize that the foundation was right, and that’s what mattered most. Here are a few golden nuggets to help you on your journey to marriage:

1.      LEARN TO BE CONTENT and be diligent in serving the Kingdom while single. (1 Corinthians 7:17) Marriage is a blessing, but it is not for the selfish or faint at heart. It takes work. (1 Corinthians 7:28)

2.     PRAY SPECIFICALLY for what you desire in a mate. And be sure that you can offer the same!

3.     PREPARE NOW for becoming a wife. Being a Godly wife is more than just wearing a beautiful ring on your left hand. (Proverbs 31)

4.     TRUST GOD to lead your Boaz to you. HE who finds a good wife, finds a good thing. Not the other way around. (Proverbs 18:22)

5.       DON’T SETTLE.

·        Guard your heart. Everyone is not looking out for your best interest. So you have to remain diligent in protecting yourself. (Proverbs 4:23)

·         Remain sexually pure until marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:1-7)

·         Do not be unequally yoked. This goes for dating as well. (2 Corinthians 6:14)

This CC’s Pieces is dedicated to every woman travailing through singlehood. I know you want that unicorn, but don’t miss your blessing by being too focused on the exterior! Get the foundation right, and God will show you when and how to apply the cosmetics.

Pray for the right foundation. You can apply the cosmetics later.

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Know Your Purpose

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
–Jeremiah 1:5

So when are ya’ll getting married? DONE. So when are ya’ll buying a house? DONE. So when are ya’ll having a baby? DONE. So when are ya’ll having ANOTHER baby? DONE. So when are ya’ll…HALT! STOP! PINEAPPLES! What the heck is going on here? The pressure to do everything and to be everything is starting to weigh on me.

Ever had that conversation with yourself? The truth is, most of us won’t admit to it because we don’t want to disappoint someone else (sometimes, our own spouse). But let’s take a moment to stop. Take a deep breath. Whatever season you’re in—singlehood, married, widowed, divorced, parenting, caring for an elderly parent---if you are seeking to live God’s purpose, then you are RIGHT WHERE HE WANTS YOU TO BE.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I spent the first 6 years of our marriage dodging the “when are you going to have a baby” question. I have to admit, some of our friends were pretty convincing, “You two would be AWESOME parents!” and “There’s nothing like having your own baby. You will never be the same.” AND my favorite, “How are you going to pass down your legacy if you don’t have children?” And with the nicest smile we could muster, we kindly responded with... “IT’S NOT OUR MINISTRY!” Some find it selfish, but before you draw that conclusion about someone, make sure you understand the reason for their decision.

Our personal reason for not wanting to have children did not come out of selfishness. It had nothing to do with wanting to pursue our careers over raising a family, ill feelings towards children, or being afraid to raise children. In fact, when we first got married, we agreed to have at least one child. But as we grew together and began to seek our purpose in life, we realized that God had a different calling on our life: to serve and take care of those who are already here on earth. Yes, children are most certainly a gift from God. But He also gives us free will to choose whether or not we want them. There is no biblical injunction that requires anyone to have children, so although children are a gift from God, He can and does bless those who walk with Him by faith, whether or not they are parents.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
First, understand that your marriage is a ministry. People are watching to see how you handle life’s throws, and they need to see that there is still hope for having a successful marriage. Have a very open conversation with your spouse about your purpose as a married couple. Maybe it’s to help at risk youth. Or it could be to mentor and counsel younger married couples. For others, it could be to serve in the community and address social injustices. Whatever it is, get a very clear understanding of God's purpose…and then live it out confidently.

Know your purpose. And then live it confidently.

Credit: http://www.gotquestions.org/should-I-have-children.html

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Soft Place to Land

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. –Proverbs 31:11
 

 

 

Ever wonder why some people stay so late at work? Ever thought that it could be because they don’t want to go home? As sad as it sounds, there are some people who dread going home. Though the reasons vary, it usually has something to do with their

relationship with their spouse. For some, it’s a nagging or quarrelsome partner. For others, it’s a lack of feeling appreciated. In a world filled with so much uncertainty and inconsistency, it’s important to have a soft place to land in your partner.

{MY LESSON}
In 2007, my mentor shared this precious nugget with me that has molded our marriage: “Be Tristen’s soft place to land.” At the time, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that. But as life handed us triumphs and trials, I learned how to be a consistent supporter, encourager, listener and friend.

He lost his job. He got a speeding ticket. He forgot to pick up the milk. He didn’t get the promotion. He got a pay cut. No matter what life hands him, it’s important for your life partner to know that he has a soft place to land. This doesn’t mean that as his wife you won’t be disappointed or get upset with him. But it does mean that you won’t dwell on the matter and hold it over his head for the rest of his life. If the tables were turned, we would certainly want the same grace.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
1. CHOOSE to be his soft place to land. This will require some effort if you’re not used to it. Take small steps.

2. CHOOSE to stay calm and not get angry when he delivers bad news. He’s already feeling bad about the matter and dreads letting you down.

3. OFFER encouragement. Take the time to put a kind sticky note in his lunch. Send him a text during the day letting him know you’re proud of him. Cook his favorite meal just because.

4. RESPECT him. Real men live by a universal code centered around respect. The greatest way to show him that you’re on his side is to respect him.

As with all of my CC’s Pieces, I encourage you to be the change you want to see. If you desire for your partner to be your soft place to land, become theirs first. Marriage takes work. The good news is that with time, some of this will become second nature to you and you’ll desire to keep your spouse happy.

Be each other’s soft place to land.

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Goals for Your Marriage

“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” –Proverbs 29:18
 

Every year around this time, we begin scribbling out our New Year’s resolutions—exercise more, find a mate, save more. Ironically, very few couples take the time to sit down together to plan their marriage goals. This is mostly because we have the mindset that once we get married, everything else will be fine and we will live happily ever after. But if you’re married, you know that it takes work to keep this boat afloat! Statistics show that nearly 50% of U.S. marriages end in divorce. This is largely because couples spend more time tending to everything else, but neglect the very thing that matters most—their marriage.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I started marriage goal planning a few years ago after my ex-boss shared her experience with doing it with her husband. The first time we shared, I was surprised to learn some of Tristen’s goals. I didn’t know that he desired to achieve so much! I realized at that moment how important it was for us to have this annual goal setting for our marriage.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Designate one person to write down the goals and store it somewhere safe to revisit during the year. I usually keep track of it in my phone and email it to Tristen.

1. Individual Goals- lose 50 lbs. by November, get certification by the end of the year, read 1 book per month

2. Household Goals- save $500/month for 6 month safety net, clean out garage by the end of March, cook at least 3 times per week

3. Marriage goals- This is the time to ask yourselves, “What do I want my relationship to look like?” Set aside 1 hour of quality time in the evening where no cell phones are allowed, be intimate at least 3 times per week, put into practice 1 CC’s Pieces per week

The objective is to list 2-4 goals under each category. Keeping the list short increases the likelihood of achieving your goals because you’re able to focus on a few things at a time. It’s also important to be specific and quantify your goals as much as possible (i.e. lose 50 lbs. by November). Don’t forget to discuss what obstacles may come up when working towards your goals and possible solutions!

Marriage does not have to be a struggle. Setting goals in your marriage is just as important as setting your professional and personal goals. In fact, your marriage should take first priority over your career, finances and children. Ultimately, your relationship with your spouse will determine how successful you are outside of the home. So, let’s start a new annual tradition: setting marriage goals.

Don’t forget. Plan goals for your marriage.

Credit: http://www.goalsettingstrategies.com/goals_for_marriages.html

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Thank You

“…in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” –1Thessalonianas 5:18

How much does a “thank you” cost these days? Oh, it’s free, you say? Well great! Your spouse would like to hear it more often, and not just only on your anniversary, birthday, and Christmas. He would like to hear it whenever he takes out the trash. Whenever he makes the bed. Whenever he helps the k...ids with their homework. Whenever he changes the lightbulb in the bedroom. WHENEVER he does something to make your life easier as his wife.

Somewhere between jumping the broom and putting the kids through college, showing appreciation starts to dwindle. Perhaps we assume that our mate already knows how much we appreciate them. Or maybe we think, “He’s supposed to do that—it’s his responsibility as the head of the household!” But just like you never get tired of him telling you that you’re beautiful…he never gets tired of hearing “thank you.”

 

{MY LESSON}
The most valuable lesson that I’ve learned is that positive reinforcement creates good habits, not asking him over and over again to do something. At first, I thought

Tristen just didn’t want to take out the trash. He knew that trash days were on Tuesdays and Fridays. But the truth was when he leaves to go to work, he has a lot on his mind and taking the trash out to the curb isn’t one of them. So I started dragging the trashcan to the middle of the garage to remind him that it was trash day. That helped a lot, but when I started sending him text messages that said, “I appreciate you taking out the trash today”, he instantaneously started remembering to take out the trash on his own! Wa-la! It’s magic!
 
{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
This will probably be the easiest CC’s Pieces to put into action because there’s only one thing you have to do: JUST SAY IT. Never underestimate the power of a “thank you”. Showing sincere appreciation goes much further than complaining or not showing any thanks at all. Just think about how your heart warms when your child squeals, “Thanks mommy!”

{DIGGING A LITTLE DEEPER}
Our Black men have a number of odds working against them, so when one decides to get married and work hard to do the right thing by his family, that is to be CELEBRATED. Our men can’t hear “thank you” enough. He may never tell you, but as his wife, you must remember that he too needs to feel appreciated. So if you’re having trouble with getting your beau to do his part, start giving out free thank-you’s and watch him transform into the husband and father you prayed for him to be.

No one ever gets tired of hearing “Thank You”.

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Time Apart

"Research and experience confirm that time away from one’s spouse actually strengthens the marital bond.” – Michelle Van Loon, author If Only: Letting Go of Regret

SAY WHAAAAAAAT? This can’t be true. I thought only togetherness strengthens a marriage? The truth is our marriage goes through seasons. If you and your spouse are in the season of rearing children, you may see time together as extremely important and find yourselves planning quick trips away alone together. As the years grow and you find yourselves as “empty nesters”, you and your spouse may be able to appreciate the benefits of spending time apart for personal development, time to catch up with old friends, volunteering, learning a new craft, or simply relaxing.

 

 

{MY LESSON}
As I look back on 8 years of being married to Tristen, I have found that I am more content, at peace and fulfilled as a wife and as a woman. There are many factors that contribute to this, but the biggest one is that he allowed me the time and space to grow in spending some time apart. When we made the decision to not have children, naturally that meant we had a lot of time for togetherness. But we agreed very early on in our relationship that spending short periods of time apart was healthy and just as important as spending time together. It never fails—every time he returns home from being away, I’m SO excited to see him that I nearly break my neck running to the door to greet him!

Here’s something you’ll find interesting. According to Iris Krasnow, author of The Secret Lives of Women: Women Share What It Really Take to Stay Married: “Strategic absences can make spouse's hearts grow fonder.” She also found that, “the happiest wives have a sense of purpose and passion in work and causes outside of the home. Wives who counted on a spouse for fulfillment and sustenance were often angry and lonely.”

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
If this is an area of improvement for you and your mate, here are a few helpful tips:

1. GET ON THE SAME PAGE. Sit down together and agree that time apart is just as important as time together.

2. DEFINE “TIME APART”. For the wife, that may mean spending one weekend per month with her girlfriends. For the husband, that may mean staying at home to relax or improving his golf game.

3. CHECK IN. Whenever you’re apart, send a quick text message or make a quick call to your spouse to let him/her know you’re thinking about them. (This is especially helpful if you have a mate who is having a hard time adjusting to the time apart concept.)

4. DON’T ABUSE IT! Spending time apart requires trust, and trust is not easily regained when broken. Be wise about how you choose to spend your time apart.

The goal of temporary separations isn't to encourage couples to grow apart; it's to come back together in order to move forward. When done correctly, not only will you both find yourselves more fulfilled as individuals, but you will also develop an even tighter marriage bond. So give it a try. Prove me wrong.

Time apart is just as important as time together.

Credits:http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/october/taking-break-from-your-spouse.html?paging=off

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Don't Abandon Your Enjoyments

Besides being a mother, being a wife is one of the most selfless titles a woman can ever have. Women are constant nurturers and caregivers who give so much of ourselves that if we’re not careful, we will lose our very own identity. God has given all of us unique gifts, talents and interests that should not be tossed out the window just because our title changes to “wife” or “husband”. If you have a spouse who is struggling in this area, he/she needs your support and encouragement.

{MY LESSON}
During the first few years of being married, I was “Team Tristen” to the core. I made my interests his interests. My time was his time. Most of this was by choice because when you’re courting/newly married, part of you desires to be with your mate every waking moment. But as we well know, life is in seasons.

Around year five in our marriage, I found myself transitioning into a new season of self re-discovery. With the onset of going natural in 2010, I began to unearth hidden talents and interests that I didn’t know I had. From fitness, to modeling, to dancing, I was gradually being re-introduced to myself. Initially, it felt awkward spending time apart, almost like a sin! But no matter what new interest I found, Tristen gave his unwavering support and cheered me on. Essentially, he gave me room to be me and to grow.

I genuinely believe that because of Tristen's selflessness, our marriage has thrived. But here’s the key: We balanced our time between sharing common interests and cultivating our own individual enjoyments. Along the way, we both learned the art of sacrificing our own preferences for the betterment of the other. For example, I’m not passionate about football, but he is, so I attend football watch parties with him. He’s not passionate about dancing, but I am, so he will attend dance classes with me to show his support.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” This also applies to the marriage bond. Sacrificing your own interests for the betterment of your relationship is truly what marriage is about.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
It’s important for husbands and wives to share common interests, but not abandon their individual enjoyments. If this is an area that you want to work on with your spouse, here are a few tips to help:

1. Have an open conversation with your spouse. “Honey, I miss taking art classes. For me, it is therapeutic and allows me some time to unwind after a long week with the kids.”

2. Discuss an action plan. “I would like to have one weekend per month, for one hour, to take art classes. Can you watch the kids for me while I’m gone?”

3. Show your appreciation. “Honey, I really appreciate you understanding how important this is to me. I love you and the kids very much, and I appreciate you all reciprocating that love by giving me the time to enjoy my art classes.”

Husbands, here’s a helpful tip: If you see that your wife is becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the day-to-day life tasks, now would be a great time to introduce this CC’s Pieces to her and encourage her to break away to do something she enjoys. Just watch how rejuvenated she will return home!

Share common interests, but don’t abandon your enjoyments.

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UNDERSTAND. UNDERSTOOD.

 

UGH! HE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME!!  Question (answer truthfully!): When you’re having a discussion with your mate, do you typically seek first to understand or to be understood?

While having date night with a couple of friends, the question came up from one of the ladies, “How can I effectively communicate with him?” (pointing to her date). She went on to explain that she feels like he doesn’...t understand her and she feels it may be because they don’t really know how to communicate with one another. When I asked her the same question, do you seek to understand or to be understood, she answered truthfully, “to be understood.” After thinking about it for a second, she began to realize where their breakdown in communication was stemming from.

Effective communication is an art and can take time for some to grasp ahold to, especially since we live in a world now where we let our fingers do most of the talking. We also become too consumed with proving a point and convincing the other person that we’re right and they’re wrong. But everything should not always be about being right/wrong. Remember, you and your mate are on the same team!

{MY LESSON}
This is an area that I work on daily, but I've seen great improvement in how I communicate with Tristen since 2007, the year we got married. As a new wife, I allowed my communication to be controlled by my emotions, and as we all know, men don't respond too kindly to that! I remember saying to Tristen quite often "You don't understand me!" Never did it occur to me that I needed to first seek to understand him (must be one of the side effects of being an only child). But Tristen remained patient with me as I worked through it, and with time and MUCH prayer, God transformed how I communicated with him. Yes, wives, you will still have moments where you revert back to your old communication style (seeking to be understood). But with time, those occurrences become few and far between.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Here are ways you can get back on track with communicating effectively with your spouse:

• Seek to understand first.
In order to do this, you have to allow your mate to complete their thoughts without interruption and show that you are ACTIVELY listening. Active listening means that you are focused on their words, tone of voice, and body language. Active listening means you are not formulating what your next response is going to be so you can one-up your spouse.

• Summarize what your spouse has expressed in order to show you are listening and engaged.
Example: “So what I hear you saying, Tristen, is that you don’t like it when I leave the cap off the toothpaste because it gets messy, right?”

• Respond in love, not tit-for-tat.
As a defense mechanism, sometimes when our spouse expresses they're upset with us, we retaliate with something else they've done to deflect the attention off of us. But the most effective way to deal with an upset spouse is to respond in love.
Example: “Well, I apologize Tristen for leaving the cap off the toothpaste. I was in a hurry, so I forgot to put it back on. I will be more mindful of that next time.”

Note: Remember that communication is about presentation as well. If you’re the one who is expressing a fault to your spouse, be mindful of your tone and how you’re expressing your concerns. Remember, “It’s not always about what you say, but how you say it.”

Seek first to understand. Then to be unserstood.

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Speak Positively

“Her husband is respected at the city gate..." --Proverbs 31:23

“Girl, he gets on my NERVES! He NEVER [fill in the blank] and he ALWAYS [fill in the blank]!” Sounds like a familiar conversation, wives? Sure. We get frustrated sometimes and need an outlet. But the city gate is NOT the place we need to go to vent! Why not?

If the city gate is meant to protect a city (in this case, your marriage/your husband) and keep intruders out, then as wives, we have to guard that gate by not inviting in the intruder.

{MY LESSON}
Although my mother and I are extremely close, I knew that in order for our marriage to survive, I had to close that gate when it came to discussing our marriage. We all know that mothers are protective and if your husband messes up, it takes FOREVER for them to forgive and move on!

Because I know that Tristen always has my best interest at heart (even when he has done something to upset me), I honor him by talking the issues out with him and seeking God for wisdom. If the issue is too big for us to handle alone, we have no problem with seeing a marriage counselor—this is healthy and should not be looked down upon.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Here’s what Proverbs 31 has to say about the virtuous woman in regards to her husband. Take a moment to ask yourself the questions given and make a concerted effort to be honest with yourself.

• She brings him good, not harm (v. 12)
-Do I bring my husband harm in what I say to him/about him? If so, how will I change that?

• Her husband is respected at the city gate (v. 23)
-Am I doing my part to ensure my husband is respected at the city gate? If not, how can I change that?

• Her husband praises her. (v. 28)
-Do I bring joy to my husband? When he thinks of me, is he proud to be married to me? If not, what can I start doing to change that?

May this CC’s Pieces bring healing and restoration to your marriage.

Honor him. Speak only positively of him in the gates.

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Why are you so SELFISH?!

WHY ARE YOU SO SELFISH?! Hopefully you've never been called selfish before, but chances are, you probably have. Why? Because by nature, humans are selfish creatures. We have to CHOOSE to not be. The same applies in our relationship with our spouse.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I are both only children (yeah, continue to keep us lifted Saints!). So naturally, in the beginning of our marriage, we leaned more towards taking care of our own needs first. But as our relationship evolved and we started to gain wisdom on how to make this work, we came to the realization that if we both put each other's needs first, no one will go lacking. So what does that look like? A few examples:

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

• Before I leave the house, I ask Tristen, "Is there anything you need before I leave?" This is my way of letting him know that I want to make sure he's okay before I take care of my personal agenda.

• We both have fast-paced occupations that leave us drained at the end of the day. But when he gets home, I offer a quick back rub to help him settle into the evening. He reciprocates the gesture whenever he sees I've had a rough day. (Note: a quick back rub can be done while standing and doesn't have to take much time).

• If I'm going into a particular room in the house to get something, I ask him, "Do you need me to bring you back anything?" 99% of the time, he answers "yes", which means had I not asked, he likely would not have said anything.

• Intimacy is so important. For many, that's a need that HAS to be met. We have a saying in the Sutton household, "You give that get right, you get that act right!" Which is a fancy way of saying, take care of my needs and I'll take care of your needs!

Put each other's needs first and selfishness goes bye-bye. This CC's Pieces can transform your relationship and take it to a new level if you and your mate can agree to implement it daily. Again, as with most of my advice, you have to make a conscious, intentional effort towards change!

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No Nagging!

BAM! Husbands, you can thank me in DSW coupons for this one. Wives, it took me a while to really catch on to this CC's Pieces, but I think I've got it down now!

NAG. NAG. NAG. This 3 - letter word wreaks havoc on so many marriages and unfortunately ladies, we're usually the culprit. Yes, we only mean well. BUT nagging ends up doing more harm than good (blame it on how God hardwired men). What end...s up happening is we push our husbands further into the very habit we're trying to get him to change. So how do I stop this vicious cycle, you ask? 

{YOU LEAD BY ACTION}

My Lesson : I nagged Mr. Sutton daily about working out with me. He wanted to go at his own pace, but I wanted him to go at turbo speed with me. He grew weary of me nagging, and I grew weary of nagging him. I prayed and prayed that God would change him, but then it dawned on me: I was praying the wrong prayer. Truthfully, I was frustrated with the fact that I was struggling with losing weight, not really with Tristen.

So I changed my prayer and asked God to help me focus on my own weight loss, and I would trust Him to do the same with Tristen. From that day forward, I didn't mention anything about the gym to him anymore. I worked out daily, changed my eating habits, and now one year later, I'm down 30+ pounds.

And guess who's in the gym more now and eating healthier?

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