Make Time for Each Other

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” --Genesis 2:24

How long has it been since you and your spouse had a date night? I know. It’s been a while, and you don’t see it happening anytime soon because life is so busy. But, if we check our priorities, are they in the right order? Be honest, is this yours right now: 1. Kids 2. Work 3. Home 4. Spouse? That’s okay, you don’t have to admit it. For most of us, that is the order, and that’s why we don’t have time for our partner. Life is so much busier now with so many things competing for our time-- work, kids, social media, television, extra-curricular activities...

{MY LESSON}
 

I came to the realization one day that we spend more time with people on our job than we do at home with our own spouse—sobering! So as life continues to demand more out of us, we have to be intentional about spending time with our spouse.  Tristen and I have a weekly standing appointment every Thursday for date night. It’s not always at a fancy restaurant. In fact, it’s usually at home with our favorite takeout in front of one of our Netflix shows. If you have small children, your date night may start after the kids are down for bed. Sharing a bowl of ice cream or a nice cup of tea with your honey snuggled up in bed is just as effective. It’s all about intentionally carving out time out of your day to spend with your husband. The key to this is agreeing on a night to schedule your date, and STICKING TO IT!

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

 

1.     LEARN TO SAY “NO.” It’s okay. You cannot be everything to everyone, nor does God expect for you to be. I personally struggled in this area, so I can speak first-hand to it. Initially, it won’t feel right to say “NO” because you’re so used to saying “YES”. But know that it doesn’t make you any less of a person to say no. This also applies to your children!

2.     STOP TRYING TO KEEP UP. Yep, we’re all guilty of it—trying to keep up with the Joneses. You want the nice cars and the big house like them, but you have NO IDEA what it took for them to acquire them. If gaining these material things require you to work yourself to death and to spend excessive amounts of time away from your family, it’s not worth it.

 

3.     PRIORITIZE. Before starting your day, make a list of your priority items that must get done that day. Limit it to no more than 5 items, if you can. Make sure your partner is listed somewhere on that list—whether it be picking up his dry cleaning, preparing a meal before he gets home, or calling to check on him at least once that day. He needs to know that he’s on your daily list of priorities.

 

4.     KEEP YOUR COMMITMENTS WITH ONE ANOTHER. If you schedule a date night with one another, do everything you can to keep that commitment. Sure, things do come up, but consider rescheduling the conflicting appointment before rescheduling your date night.

Become intentional about spending time with your life partner. Just implementing these four practices will help you to quickly regain control over how you prioritize your time allow you to share more of it with the one who matters most, your spouse.

 

Make time for each other. The world can wait.

Credit: http://abiblicalmarriage.com/making-your-husband-a-priority/

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Make-up 101: Applying the Right Foundation

“Lord, I want a man who is 6’2”, attractive, athletic, makes six figures, has a college degree, has a big house, drives a nice luxury car, dresses well, smells good, goes to church regularly, has no children, has never been married, a great lover in bed, and gives foot massages at least once a week.”

Though humorous, these are the types of qualities many women are seeking in a husband. And though there's nothing wrong with wanting any of these things, they are what I call “the cosmetics.” Sure, we all want someone who is easy on the eyes and can offer us the best things in life, but if his values are out of whack, all the other things don’t matter. As women, we all know the importance of applying the right foundation when putting on make-up. Let's apply this same principle when seeking out the right spouse.

{MY LESSON- “THE COSMETICS”}

As a single woman, the key things that I specifically prayed for in a husband were someone who loved the Lord, worked hard, shared the same values as me, someone who was easy on the eyes (it didn’t have to be Idris Elba, but hey, I had to find him attractive), and lastly, someone who would love me more than I loved him (I’ll explain that a little later). Then, during my sophomore year in college, Tristen Sutton walked into the room at an INROADS summer training workshop. Though he was driving a 1996 Honda and barely made enough to afford his part of the rent at the time, I knew I had spotted great potential.

I’m not a sappy person, so I’m not going to tell a story about him sweeping me off of my feet. But I will be honest and say that he was the first guy, that I can recall, who I actually went up to and introduced myself first. I had just pledged Delta Sigma Theta Sorority that year, so you have to understand that this was a BIG deal (you know how some sorority girls can be in thinking that they shouldn’t have to lift a finger---EVERY guy should want to be with them by default.) So what made me approach him you ask?

His presence. I knew the moment he entered the room he was different from all the other guys. His stately stature and inviting smile was my first indicator. CHECK. As I watched him work the room interacting with the other interns, I noticed that he was just like me—not cliquish and enjoyed being around other people. Another Check. Then, when I finally mustered up the courage to approach him…THOSE HAZEL EYES! Check. Check. CHECK. It was a wrap!

{“THE FOUNDATION”}

Though we didn’t start dating until after college (which I believe was by God’s design), we did establish a great friendship that rekindled every summer when he returned from Texas A&M. I learned that he was a devout Christian man who had re-dedicated his life to celibacy in hopes that God would bless him with the wife he had prayed for. As if our stories couldn’t have been any more similar, I was honoring God in the same manner with holding on to my virginity until marriage. So another big check—we shared the same core values. Finally, when we started dating late 2005, I found my answer to the last request that I prayed for: someone who loved me more than I loved him. What does that mean?

This was a golden nugget that my mother instilled in me early, and I’m so glad that she did. By nature, women are nurturers, tend to give way more than we probably should sometimes, and we love harder. So to find a man who genuinely loved me more than I loved him would almost be like spotting a unicorn. Every guy that I had been with before Tristen, though they were good guys, I knew that I loved them far more than they loved me, which is probably why it didn’t work out. For the FIRST time, I had met a guy who loved me more than I loved him. It took some time for me to realize it, but the key indicators were: he called me just as much as I called him, he consistently showed a genuine concern for my well-being, he expressed his love for me daily through his actions, and he openly communicated his desire to one day make me his wife. After dating for about one year, he asked my mother for my hand in marriage, and she joyfully gave her blessing.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

God knows what you desire and what’s best for you. He will give you some things that you prayed for, and then others, he won’t…at least not at that time. Don’t get so wrapped up in the cosmetics. Tristen had a little weight to work off, and I’m sure I was no Beyoncé to him either. But we were both wise enough to realize that the foundation was right, and that’s what mattered most. Here are a few golden nuggets to help you on your journey to marriage:

1.      LEARN TO BE CONTENT and be diligent in serving the Kingdom while single. (1 Corinthians 7:17) Marriage is a blessing, but it is not for the selfish or faint at heart. It takes work. (1 Corinthians 7:28)

2.     PRAY SPECIFICALLY for what you desire in a mate. And be sure that you can offer the same!

3.     PREPARE NOW for becoming a wife. Being a Godly wife is more than just wearing a beautiful ring on your left hand. (Proverbs 31)

4.     TRUST GOD to lead your Boaz to you. HE who finds a good wife, finds a good thing. Not the other way around. (Proverbs 18:22)

5.       DON’T SETTLE.

·        Guard your heart. Everyone is not looking out for your best interest. So you have to remain diligent in protecting yourself. (Proverbs 4:23)

·         Remain sexually pure until marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:1-7)

·         Do not be unequally yoked. This goes for dating as well. (2 Corinthians 6:14)

This CC’s Pieces is dedicated to every woman travailing through singlehood. I know you want that unicorn, but don’t miss your blessing by being too focused on the exterior! Get the foundation right, and God will show you when and how to apply the cosmetics.

Pray for the right foundation. You can apply the cosmetics later.

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Know Your Purpose

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
–Jeremiah 1:5

So when are ya’ll getting married? DONE. So when are ya’ll buying a house? DONE. So when are ya’ll having a baby? DONE. So when are ya’ll having ANOTHER baby? DONE. So when are ya’ll…HALT! STOP! PINEAPPLES! What the heck is going on here? The pressure to do everything and to be everything is starting to weigh on me.

Ever had that conversation with yourself? The truth is, most of us won’t admit to it because we don’t want to disappoint someone else (sometimes, our own spouse). But let’s take a moment to stop. Take a deep breath. Whatever season you’re in—singlehood, married, widowed, divorced, parenting, caring for an elderly parent---if you are seeking to live God’s purpose, then you are RIGHT WHERE HE WANTS YOU TO BE.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I spent the first 6 years of our marriage dodging the “when are you going to have a baby” question. I have to admit, some of our friends were pretty convincing, “You two would be AWESOME parents!” and “There’s nothing like having your own baby. You will never be the same.” AND my favorite, “How are you going to pass down your legacy if you don’t have children?” And with the nicest smile we could muster, we kindly responded with... “IT’S NOT OUR MINISTRY!” Some find it selfish, but before you draw that conclusion about someone, make sure you understand the reason for their decision.

Our personal reason for not wanting to have children did not come out of selfishness. It had nothing to do with wanting to pursue our careers over raising a family, ill feelings towards children, or being afraid to raise children. In fact, when we first got married, we agreed to have at least one child. But as we grew together and began to seek our purpose in life, we realized that God had a different calling on our life: to serve and take care of those who are already here on earth. Yes, children are most certainly a gift from God. But He also gives us free will to choose whether or not we want them. There is no biblical injunction that requires anyone to have children, so although children are a gift from God, He can and does bless those who walk with Him by faith, whether or not they are parents.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
First, understand that your marriage is a ministry. People are watching to see how you handle life’s throws, and they need to see that there is still hope for having a successful marriage. Have a very open conversation with your spouse about your purpose as a married couple. Maybe it’s to help at risk youth. Or it could be to mentor and counsel younger married couples. For others, it could be to serve in the community and address social injustices. Whatever it is, get a very clear understanding of God's purpose…and then live it out confidently.

Know your purpose. And then live it confidently.

Credit: http://www.gotquestions.org/should-I-have-children.html

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Soft Place to Land

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. –Proverbs 31:11
 

 

 

Ever wonder why some people stay so late at work? Ever thought that it could be because they don’t want to go home? As sad as it sounds, there are some people who dread going home. Though the reasons vary, it usually has something to do with their

relationship with their spouse. For some, it’s a nagging or quarrelsome partner. For others, it’s a lack of feeling appreciated. In a world filled with so much uncertainty and inconsistency, it’s important to have a soft place to land in your partner.

{MY LESSON}
In 2007, my mentor shared this precious nugget with me that has molded our marriage: “Be Tristen’s soft place to land.” At the time, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that. But as life handed us triumphs and trials, I learned how to be a consistent supporter, encourager, listener and friend.

He lost his job. He got a speeding ticket. He forgot to pick up the milk. He didn’t get the promotion. He got a pay cut. No matter what life hands him, it’s important for your life partner to know that he has a soft place to land. This doesn’t mean that as his wife you won’t be disappointed or get upset with him. But it does mean that you won’t dwell on the matter and hold it over his head for the rest of his life. If the tables were turned, we would certainly want the same grace.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
1. CHOOSE to be his soft place to land. This will require some effort if you’re not used to it. Take small steps.

2. CHOOSE to stay calm and not get angry when he delivers bad news. He’s already feeling bad about the matter and dreads letting you down.

3. OFFER encouragement. Take the time to put a kind sticky note in his lunch. Send him a text during the day letting him know you’re proud of him. Cook his favorite meal just because.

4. RESPECT him. Real men live by a universal code centered around respect. The greatest way to show him that you’re on his side is to respect him.

As with all of my CC’s Pieces, I encourage you to be the change you want to see. If you desire for your partner to be your soft place to land, become theirs first. Marriage takes work. The good news is that with time, some of this will become second nature to you and you’ll desire to keep your spouse happy.

Be each other’s soft place to land.

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Goals for Your Marriage

“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” –Proverbs 29:18
 

Every year around this time, we begin scribbling out our New Year’s resolutions—exercise more, find a mate, save more. Ironically, very few couples take the time to sit down together to plan their marriage goals. This is mostly because we have the mindset that once we get married, everything else will be fine and we will live happily ever after. But if you’re married, you know that it takes work to keep this boat afloat! Statistics show that nearly 50% of U.S. marriages end in divorce. This is largely because couples spend more time tending to everything else, but neglect the very thing that matters most—their marriage.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I started marriage goal planning a few years ago after my ex-boss shared her experience with doing it with her husband. The first time we shared, I was surprised to learn some of Tristen’s goals. I didn’t know that he desired to achieve so much! I realized at that moment how important it was for us to have this annual goal setting for our marriage.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Designate one person to write down the goals and store it somewhere safe to revisit during the year. I usually keep track of it in my phone and email it to Tristen.

1. Individual Goals- lose 50 lbs. by November, get certification by the end of the year, read 1 book per month

2. Household Goals- save $500/month for 6 month safety net, clean out garage by the end of March, cook at least 3 times per week

3. Marriage goals- This is the time to ask yourselves, “What do I want my relationship to look like?” Set aside 1 hour of quality time in the evening where no cell phones are allowed, be intimate at least 3 times per week, put into practice 1 CC’s Pieces per week

The objective is to list 2-4 goals under each category. Keeping the list short increases the likelihood of achieving your goals because you’re able to focus on a few things at a time. It’s also important to be specific and quantify your goals as much as possible (i.e. lose 50 lbs. by November). Don’t forget to discuss what obstacles may come up when working towards your goals and possible solutions!

Marriage does not have to be a struggle. Setting goals in your marriage is just as important as setting your professional and personal goals. In fact, your marriage should take first priority over your career, finances and children. Ultimately, your relationship with your spouse will determine how successful you are outside of the home. So, let’s start a new annual tradition: setting marriage goals.

Don’t forget. Plan goals for your marriage.

Credit: http://www.goalsettingstrategies.com/goals_for_marriages.html

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Thank You

“…in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” –1Thessalonianas 5:18

How much does a “thank you” cost these days? Oh, it’s free, you say? Well great! Your spouse would like to hear it more often, and not just only on your anniversary, birthday, and Christmas. He would like to hear it whenever he takes out the trash. Whenever he makes the bed. Whenever he helps the k...ids with their homework. Whenever he changes the lightbulb in the bedroom. WHENEVER he does something to make your life easier as his wife.

Somewhere between jumping the broom and putting the kids through college, showing appreciation starts to dwindle. Perhaps we assume that our mate already knows how much we appreciate them. Or maybe we think, “He’s supposed to do that—it’s his responsibility as the head of the household!” But just like you never get tired of him telling you that you’re beautiful…he never gets tired of hearing “thank you.”

 

{MY LESSON}
The most valuable lesson that I’ve learned is that positive reinforcement creates good habits, not asking him over and over again to do something. At first, I thought

Tristen just didn’t want to take out the trash. He knew that trash days were on Tuesdays and Fridays. But the truth was when he leaves to go to work, he has a lot on his mind and taking the trash out to the curb isn’t one of them. So I started dragging the trashcan to the middle of the garage to remind him that it was trash day. That helped a lot, but when I started sending him text messages that said, “I appreciate you taking out the trash today”, he instantaneously started remembering to take out the trash on his own! Wa-la! It’s magic!
 
{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
This will probably be the easiest CC’s Pieces to put into action because there’s only one thing you have to do: JUST SAY IT. Never underestimate the power of a “thank you”. Showing sincere appreciation goes much further than complaining or not showing any thanks at all. Just think about how your heart warms when your child squeals, “Thanks mommy!”

{DIGGING A LITTLE DEEPER}
Our Black men have a number of odds working against them, so when one decides to get married and work hard to do the right thing by his family, that is to be CELEBRATED. Our men can’t hear “thank you” enough. He may never tell you, but as his wife, you must remember that he too needs to feel appreciated. So if you’re having trouble with getting your beau to do his part, start giving out free thank-you’s and watch him transform into the husband and father you prayed for him to be.

No one ever gets tired of hearing “Thank You”.

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Time Apart

"Research and experience confirm that time away from one’s spouse actually strengthens the marital bond.” – Michelle Van Loon, author If Only: Letting Go of Regret

SAY WHAAAAAAAT? This can’t be true. I thought only togetherness strengthens a marriage? The truth is our marriage goes through seasons. If you and your spouse are in the season of rearing children, you may see time together as extremely important and find yourselves planning quick trips away alone together. As the years grow and you find yourselves as “empty nesters”, you and your spouse may be able to appreciate the benefits of spending time apart for personal development, time to catch up with old friends, volunteering, learning a new craft, or simply relaxing.

 

 

{MY LESSON}
As I look back on 8 years of being married to Tristen, I have found that I am more content, at peace and fulfilled as a wife and as a woman. There are many factors that contribute to this, but the biggest one is that he allowed me the time and space to grow in spending some time apart. When we made the decision to not have children, naturally that meant we had a lot of time for togetherness. But we agreed very early on in our relationship that spending short periods of time apart was healthy and just as important as spending time together. It never fails—every time he returns home from being away, I’m SO excited to see him that I nearly break my neck running to the door to greet him!

Here’s something you’ll find interesting. According to Iris Krasnow, author of The Secret Lives of Women: Women Share What It Really Take to Stay Married: “Strategic absences can make spouse's hearts grow fonder.” She also found that, “the happiest wives have a sense of purpose and passion in work and causes outside of the home. Wives who counted on a spouse for fulfillment and sustenance were often angry and lonely.”

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
If this is an area of improvement for you and your mate, here are a few helpful tips:

1. GET ON THE SAME PAGE. Sit down together and agree that time apart is just as important as time together.

2. DEFINE “TIME APART”. For the wife, that may mean spending one weekend per month with her girlfriends. For the husband, that may mean staying at home to relax or improving his golf game.

3. CHECK IN. Whenever you’re apart, send a quick text message or make a quick call to your spouse to let him/her know you’re thinking about them. (This is especially helpful if you have a mate who is having a hard time adjusting to the time apart concept.)

4. DON’T ABUSE IT! Spending time apart requires trust, and trust is not easily regained when broken. Be wise about how you choose to spend your time apart.

The goal of temporary separations isn't to encourage couples to grow apart; it's to come back together in order to move forward. When done correctly, not only will you both find yourselves more fulfilled as individuals, but you will also develop an even tighter marriage bond. So give it a try. Prove me wrong.

Time apart is just as important as time together.

Credits:http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/october/taking-break-from-your-spouse.html?paging=off

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Don't Abandon Your Enjoyments

Besides being a mother, being a wife is one of the most selfless titles a woman can ever have. Women are constant nurturers and caregivers who give so much of ourselves that if we’re not careful, we will lose our very own identity. God has given all of us unique gifts, talents and interests that should not be tossed out the window just because our title changes to “wife” or “husband”. If you have a spouse who is struggling in this area, he/she needs your support and encouragement.

{MY LESSON}
During the first few years of being married, I was “Team Tristen” to the core. I made my interests his interests. My time was his time. Most of this was by choice because when you’re courting/newly married, part of you desires to be with your mate every waking moment. But as we well know, life is in seasons.

Around year five in our marriage, I found myself transitioning into a new season of self re-discovery. With the onset of going natural in 2010, I began to unearth hidden talents and interests that I didn’t know I had. From fitness, to modeling, to dancing, I was gradually being re-introduced to myself. Initially, it felt awkward spending time apart, almost like a sin! But no matter what new interest I found, Tristen gave his unwavering support and cheered me on. Essentially, he gave me room to be me and to grow.

I genuinely believe that because of Tristen's selflessness, our marriage has thrived. But here’s the key: We balanced our time between sharing common interests and cultivating our own individual enjoyments. Along the way, we both learned the art of sacrificing our own preferences for the betterment of the other. For example, I’m not passionate about football, but he is, so I attend football watch parties with him. He’s not passionate about dancing, but I am, so he will attend dance classes with me to show his support.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” This also applies to the marriage bond. Sacrificing your own interests for the betterment of your relationship is truly what marriage is about.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
It’s important for husbands and wives to share common interests, but not abandon their individual enjoyments. If this is an area that you want to work on with your spouse, here are a few tips to help:

1. Have an open conversation with your spouse. “Honey, I miss taking art classes. For me, it is therapeutic and allows me some time to unwind after a long week with the kids.”

2. Discuss an action plan. “I would like to have one weekend per month, for one hour, to take art classes. Can you watch the kids for me while I’m gone?”

3. Show your appreciation. “Honey, I really appreciate you understanding how important this is to me. I love you and the kids very much, and I appreciate you all reciprocating that love by giving me the time to enjoy my art classes.”

Husbands, here’s a helpful tip: If you see that your wife is becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the day-to-day life tasks, now would be a great time to introduce this CC’s Pieces to her and encourage her to break away to do something she enjoys. Just watch how rejuvenated she will return home!

Share common interests, but don’t abandon your enjoyments.

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UNDERSTAND. UNDERSTOOD.

 

UGH! HE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME!!  Question (answer truthfully!): When you’re having a discussion with your mate, do you typically seek first to understand or to be understood?

While having date night with a couple of friends, the question came up from one of the ladies, “How can I effectively communicate with him?” (pointing to her date). She went on to explain that she feels like he doesn’...t understand her and she feels it may be because they don’t really know how to communicate with one another. When I asked her the same question, do you seek to understand or to be understood, she answered truthfully, “to be understood.” After thinking about it for a second, she began to realize where their breakdown in communication was stemming from.

Effective communication is an art and can take time for some to grasp ahold to, especially since we live in a world now where we let our fingers do most of the talking. We also become too consumed with proving a point and convincing the other person that we’re right and they’re wrong. But everything should not always be about being right/wrong. Remember, you and your mate are on the same team!

{MY LESSON}
This is an area that I work on daily, but I've seen great improvement in how I communicate with Tristen since 2007, the year we got married. As a new wife, I allowed my communication to be controlled by my emotions, and as we all know, men don't respond too kindly to that! I remember saying to Tristen quite often "You don't understand me!" Never did it occur to me that I needed to first seek to understand him (must be one of the side effects of being an only child). But Tristen remained patient with me as I worked through it, and with time and MUCH prayer, God transformed how I communicated with him. Yes, wives, you will still have moments where you revert back to your old communication style (seeking to be understood). But with time, those occurrences become few and far between.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Here are ways you can get back on track with communicating effectively with your spouse:

• Seek to understand first.
In order to do this, you have to allow your mate to complete their thoughts without interruption and show that you are ACTIVELY listening. Active listening means that you are focused on their words, tone of voice, and body language. Active listening means you are not formulating what your next response is going to be so you can one-up your spouse.

• Summarize what your spouse has expressed in order to show you are listening and engaged.
Example: “So what I hear you saying, Tristen, is that you don’t like it when I leave the cap off the toothpaste because it gets messy, right?”

• Respond in love, not tit-for-tat.
As a defense mechanism, sometimes when our spouse expresses they're upset with us, we retaliate with something else they've done to deflect the attention off of us. But the most effective way to deal with an upset spouse is to respond in love.
Example: “Well, I apologize Tristen for leaving the cap off the toothpaste. I was in a hurry, so I forgot to put it back on. I will be more mindful of that next time.”

Note: Remember that communication is about presentation as well. If you’re the one who is expressing a fault to your spouse, be mindful of your tone and how you’re expressing your concerns. Remember, “It’s not always about what you say, but how you say it.”

Seek first to understand. Then to be unserstood.

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