CC's Pieces

Friday, June 12, 2015

R= Responding in Love {What am I saying "I do" to? M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E. Series}

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. --1 Corinthians 13:7
He’s going to disappoint you. You’re going to disappoint him. There. Now what? To go into a serious relationship thinking that true love means that you won’t have disagreements is not being realistic. And becoming passive-aggressive to avoid conflict isn’t going to resolve the issue either— it just leads to resentment. So now we have to learn how to speak truth in love to one another.

{MY LESSON LEARNED}
Time surely does bring about a change. When I think back to year 1 and how I used to handle disagreements with Tristen…*WHEW*! I would allow my emotions to fly all over the place! But deep down inside, I didn’t like that feeling of allowing my emotions to control me. Then one day, it dawned on me: Tristen doesn’t mean any harm by me, and I don’t mean any harm by him. We’re both playing for the same team.

When it comes to speaking truth out of love, timing is everything. One day, I was bothered by something that Tristen did, but I knew he didn’t realize it. We were having such a great morning that I knew if I brought it up right then, it would ruin the rest of the day. So I waited until the next day to address it and I realized that had I tried to address it the day before, it would have come across completely differently, out of my emotions rather than out of love and respect. Because I chose to communicate with him out of love (yes, you have to CHOOSE your attitude!), he received what I had to say and we were able to move forward without the unnecessary arguing.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Statistics show that communication plays a significant part in our high divorce rate. If we can get this part right, it will clear up a lot of the other areas that we struggle in— raising children, finances, handling in-laws, intimacy, and infidelity to name a few. The key to remember is that it’s not about what we say to our husbands, but HOW we say it. Men are programmed to respond to respect, and if that important element is missing, then the conversation is futile. Wives, here are some things that I keep in mind that may help you in this area:

1. We are on the same team. Get clarity, not revenge.

2. Seek to understand then to be understood.

http://www.ccspieces.blogspot.com/2015/01/ugh-he-just-doesnt-understand-me.html

3. Communicate your feelings not your tead of “You made me feel like”, “You never do this” and “You always do that”.

4. Don't take everything personal. Watch your tone.
5. #Timing_is_everything. Initiating a heart to heart during the Texans football game-- not a good idea. Make sure that he is in a posture to be able to listen and communicate with you. To prepare him for a tough conversation, try the “Out of Love” approach that we discussed in previous CC’s Pieces http://www.ccspieces.blogspot.com/2015/01/start-tough-conversations-with-out-of.html .

As always, ask God to help you make a permanent, positive change in this area. Try implementing a few of these in your conversations and watch your mate not only start to respond in love, but he will likely start using some of your methods too!
What Am I Saying “I Do To”? R = Responding in Love

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R= Remaining Consistent {What am I saying "I do" to? M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E. Series}

“She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” –Proverbs 31:12

Consistency. How do you measure up in this area? Can your spouse count on you to do what you say you’re going to do? Proverbs 31:12 says that a virtuous woman brings her husband good ALL the days of her life, not just only when she’s in a good mood or only when her husband is acting right. Being consistent can be a challe...nge at times with so many variables competing for our time, attention and emotions. But in dating and in marriage, consistency is vital.

{MY LESSON LEARNED}

For me, consistency was a large factor in why I married Tristen. “I’m going to call you when I get off work.” He always called. “I’ll be there for your function.” He always showed. It’s easy for people to do kind things for one another during the first few months of dating, but the true test is time. As the days turn into months and the months roll on into years, some people start to slack off and take their mate for granted. If you’re currently dating, now is the best time for you and your beau to start learning how to be consistent.
Don’t wait until you’ve exchanged vows to start putting this good habit to work because it will be harder then. If you say you’re going to do something, follow thru. If you’re currently buying roses for her every day, you better make sure you set up a budget to continue because she will expect the same treatment even after the “I do’s”!

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

If you’re the one who struggles with consistency and frequently find yourself backing out of commitments, work on it. This used to be a challenge for me because I would find myself overcommitting my time. I wanted to do it all! But we can’t, and God doesn’t expect us to either. Here are a few things I did to help in this area:

1.       Don't commit right away. When someone asks you to do something, get as much detail as you can upfront about the commitment. The day, time, duration, and any other significant details that will help you make a final decision. Then simply say, “Okay, sounds great. Let me check on what I have planned that day and get back to you.” And then be sure to follow-up with an answer.

2.       Give a gracious no. Just because you say “no”, it doesn’t make you a mean person. It makes you a balanced person and people respect you more when you say “no” rather than commit to something and then back out. The Bible says let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no. (Matthew 5:37)

3.       Stop feeling bad! Romans 8:1 tells us that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. So this means that we can’t allow others to make us feel bad when we don’t commit to doing what they want.

Just like you need consistency, your spouse is counting on you to be mentally stable, dependable and present in the relationship. Inconsistency leads to unnecessary anxiety, fear and confrontation. Create a safe place for your spouse by offering consistency every day.

M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E. Series- What Am I Saying “I Do To”? R = Remaining Consistent#CCsPieces
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Monday, June 8, 2015

M= Making Sacrifices {What am I saying "I do" to? M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E. Series}

"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." –Philippians 2:3-4

So what is marriage really all about? CC’s Pieces is starting a new series entitled “What am I saying “I do” to?” and over the next few weeks, we’re going to closely examine what is really involved in M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E. As we break down each acronym, starting with the letter “M”, you’re going to get a very transparent look at what this marriage thing is all about that Empire, Real Housewives of Atlanta nor Scandal are telling you. Marriage is truly a gift and from my point of view, fun and rewarding. But having a rewarding marriage takes work…and making sacrifices. What kind of sacrifices?

• Your very own body. It now belongs to you AND your husband.
• How you spend your time.
• Your spending habits.
• Your living arrangement/your space.
• You may be required to cook more.
• The way you dress or wear your hair. (Yes, your husband’s opinion matters!)
…and the list goes on.

{MY LESSON}
After Tristen Sutton and I got engaged, I went on a quest to get a true understanding of what marriage really was about. You see, so many of us get caught up in our own selfish desires that we really miss the true meaning of what we’re committing to. Marriage is about making sacrifices.

Perfect example: I’ve been wanting to put wood flooring upstairs in our home for a while now, and I had decided that I was going to get it done after receiving my bonus check. But Tristen, being the financially sound guy that he is, advised that though we have the money to do it now, we should wait until this economic lull passes. Now, some wives would have said, “This is my money, so I think I should be able to do what I want with it!” But I think it’s pretty obvious that this is the total opposite of sacrificing. Though I really, really, REALLY wanted to get the wood flooring done right then, I knew he was right and instead of getting into a big argument over it, I set aside my own desire for the sake of our marriage.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Learning how to make sacrifices for your marriage is easier said than done for most of us, especially when by our very nature, we are selfish creatures. But if you desire to get married one day, consider this a BIG part of the package. I encourage you not to wait until you get married to learn how to start making sacrifices. Here are a few ways you can do so now:
1. Pray about it. I always start with this because I’ve found that I cannot change something on my own without God’s power.

2. Sacrificing = Discipline. Start with things like foregoing buying those $200 pair of shoes, and save it for a rainy day. Or donate the money towards a worthy cause that you support.

3. Take a 30 day challenge to do something kind for someone else every day. It can be something as simple as taking 3 minutes to call and check on someone you hadn’t spoken to in a while, or offering to help a co-worker who’s behind on their work.
4. Instead of you deciding on what weekend activity you and your significant other will get into, let him decide. And even if you really don’t want to do it, do it for him…and without complaining!

Marriage takes work. But it’s made a lot easier when both husband and wife are committed to making sacrifices for the betterment of their marriage.

“M” = Making Sacrifices
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A = Accepting & Appreciating Differences {What Am I Saying "I do" to? M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E Series}

“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” -- Romans 15:7

In continuing on with our “What am I saying “I do” to?” series and breaking down the acronym, M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E., we are now at the letter “A”: Accepting & Appreciating him for who he is.

{MY LESSON LEARNED}

No matter how great the guy is you’re with, there will always be something you won’t like about him. And it’s okay. If you want to marry someone who thinks like you, acts like you and does things the exact same way you do, you’re better off staying single. Marriage is not about seeking perfection, but learning how to be perfect at accepting each other’s imperfections.

Tristen is a straight-shooter, but I am a diplomatic, let’s be friends, I don’t want to hurt your feelings nurturer. In the beginning of our marriage, I sometimes struggled with his straight-forward responses. I wanted him to analyze, discuss and debate things with me before coming to a final decision. To me, the more we discussed a matter, the more it showed he cared. But I had to learn that this isn’t who he is. He is a very decisive, to-the-point, no frills kind of guy. So instead of getting upset and trying to convince him to be someone he wasn’t, I learned to accept and appreciate that quality about him. In fact, I’m more appreciative of his decisive nature today because it saves us a lot of unnecessary wasted time going back and forth on things.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

One big mistake that a lot of women make is thinking that their mate will change after exchanging “I do’s”. Do not be fooled! What you see is what you get! If a man loves you, he will make changes to make you happy, but he will not change who he is to make you happy. So it is in everyone’s best interest for you to make sure you can accept the good, the bad and the ugly before committing. It’s also important that we not get so hung up on what we see as imperfections, but learn to look for the good and appreciate the fact that it could always be worse. Here are a few nuggets that can help you in this area:

1. Before saying “I do”, know what your deal breakers are. We all have our deal breakers. Understand what things you are willing to accept and things you will not be able to accept. But be reasonable!

2. Learn how to express your concerns out of love. Perhaps he’s not aware that his loud laugh annoys you. Have you kindly shared with him, “Honey, I enjoy seeing you happy. But your laugh can be a little loud sometimes, have you noticed?”

3. Be patient with him. We are all a work in progress and it takes time to change old habits. Once he acknowledges that he’s working on a particular area, give him space to do so, and understand that he may revert back to his old ways. Old habits are hard to break. Guide him back on the right path with gentle reminders.

At the end of the day, we all want to be loved, accepted and appreciated for who we are. Men are no different.

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Tuesday, March 3, 2015

It's not your groan. It's your tone.

"If it is possible, as much as it depends on you, live peaceably..." --Romans 12:18

When you have a disagreement with your husband, is it reminiscent of the Ike and Tina car scene where she kicks Ike a new one? For many marriages, it is. That’s why so many end in divorce—we haven’t conquered the art of communication with our spouse. Couples struggle in this area because we allow our emotions to drive our response to the issue. We see disagreements as personal attacks. But we, as wives, have much of the power in controlling the outcome of disagreements simply through our tongue and our tone.

{MY LESSON}
It’s funny how when Tristen Sutton and I have a disagreement, I hear myself talking in a calm, respectful manner. But what he sometimes hears is the complete opposite. “Why are you yelling and getting all excited?” he’ll ask. I used to get defensive and view our disagreements as a personal attack, and my response would come across the exact same way—loud. Defensive. But with time, I came to realize that neither one of us mean harm when we disagree, so there was no need to respond angrily. Today, we’ve come a long way in how we disagree, but to be sure we don’t backslide, I still take my time and listen to my tone when addressing him.

It’s easy to be carless with someone we live with and know well. But I’m convinced that if we can control ourselves at the workplace when speaking to our boss, surely we can do the same with our husband.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Every couple is different, but here are a few simple things we do to work through our disagreements. Make necessary adjustments to make this work for you and your husband:

1. Agree to start off tough conversations with “Out of Love”. This was one of the very first CC’s Pieces that I shared, and I will say it again, it really works. Tristen and I have designated this as our “Disagreement Disarmer” to help each other prepare for conflict. Its purpose is to “disarm” your spouse so that when you share your thoughts, he can be prepared to listen and respond in a calm, respectful manner. In order for this to work though, both of you have to agree to the #1 rule—you can’t get mad!

2. Seek to understand, then to be understood. Before responding to your spouse’s concern, repeat back what they said to make sure you understand what the concern is. Sometimes in our haste to respond, we fail to understand what the true concern is. For example, if your husband says, “Honey, I don’t like it when you yell at me like that. You talk to me like I’m a child.” Your initial response should be, “Okay, so what I hear you saying is that I make you feel like a like child when I raise my voice at you, right?” And then give him an opportunity to confirm, “Yes, exactly.”

3. Respond in Love. Disagreements are not about being right. Relationships will have them at times, and it doesn’t mean that you’re poorly matched with someone. It simply means that you’re two different individuals striving to coexist peacefully. So when your spouse comes to you with something, don’t think of it as an attack. Think of it as an opportunity to improve your current situation and respond in love. “Okay, I understand where you’re coming from. I didn’t know you saw it that way, and it wasn’t my intent to come across that way. I’ll be more aware of that next time.”

4. Move on! Too much time is wasted in stewing over an issue long after it’s been resolved. Let go of the hurt feelings and move on!

You’ve heard it before, “Communication is Key.” Today, let’s commit to working on how we disagree. Every relationship experiences conflict from time to time, but combat is certainly optional.

It’s not your groan, it’s your tone.

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Monday, February 23, 2015

Marriage: A Lifelong Commitment. Not a Lackadaisical Convenience.

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Matthew 19:6

What’s the longest marriage you’ve ever heard of? Did you wonder what made that couple stay committed for so long? If you’ve ever asked a wife who’s been married for 20+ years what made her stay, she’s not likely to say his good looks or his skills in the bedroom. So why do so many of us select who we’re going to marry based on how good he looks or how great he is in bed? Choosing a mate based solely on these qualities are a sure way to end up in divorce court. If you’re recently engaged or on the dating front line, this CC’s Pieces is going to serve it to you straight!

{MY LESSON}

MARRIAGE IS REAL. Now what comes after “REAL” is what you make it. Real “fun”. Real “hard”. You and your spouse get to define what that is. When Tristen and I first got married, marriage for me was real “different”. I had to adjust to a lot of new things—sharing space with someone (I’m an only child), learning how to be submissive, having to learn a whole new person, etc. But the one lesson that I had to learn quickly was that divorce was not an option. I’ll be honest, in the beginning, it was easier said than done. Running away can seem like the best option when things aren’t going as planned. But we have to make a decision to not allow divorce to be an option, and to this day, we don’t mention the word in our home.

What makes marriage so different from any other human relationship is that it is designed to be a lifelong commitment. There are no other relationships referenced in the Bible where we are commanded to be committed for a lifetime to someone—not to our parents, not to our children, not to our friends, not to our boss. Only to our spouse. How do you stay committed to one person for so long in this day and time? It’s a choice. Every day, you choose to work through the issues. Every day, you choose to love your spouse unconditionally. Every day, you choose to live selflessly for the betterment of your marriage.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

1. Divorce is not an option. Don’t even allow the word to escape your mouth or enter your home. Marriage is a selfless commitment, and divorce has no place in selflessness. Yes, times may get extremely hard where divorce seems to be the only option. But know that God wants you to seek wise counsel during those times. He wants your marriage to make it.

2. Stay. Don’t run away. When you run into obstacles or conflicts in your marriage, what do you normally automatically do? Do you get upset? Do you leave the house? Do you place the blame on him? Or do you work it out together?

3. Plan for the future. Where do you see your marriage five, ten years from now? Share your vision with your spouse to make sure you both share the same hopes and dreams.

4. Pray. Pray. Pray! God never intended for us to do marriage alone. This is a team effort, and you’re definitely going to need Him to help you through the journey. Take the time to pray together daily-- even if you're short on time.

Your marriage is what you make of it. There’s no such thing as a perfect one. But just remember…

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, not a lackadaisical convenience.

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Monday, February 2, 2015

Wives. Set the Mood Right.

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. – Proverbs 14:1

After a long day at work taking care of client’s needs, interviewing candidates, and jumping in and out of conference calls, I am on “E”. But, there’s no greater compliment that I can think of than when Tristen comes home and says, “I’m so glad I get to come home to you and a peaceful home every night.” When I shared with him that I intentionally create a serene atmosphere for our home, he seemed surprised (I think he thought it just happened through osmosis!).

If you’re a wife, you know it takes work to set the right mood for your home, especially if you lead an equally busy life as your spouse and you have kiddos to keep up with.

{MY LESSON}

One thing that my mom told me when I first became a wife was, “As the wife, you create the atmosphere for your home.” This meant more than just keeping a tidy house because one can have a house that is visibly clean, but spiritually filthy. This really meant that it was my responsibility to ensure that our home had the right spirit dwelling inside. Ultimately, as the overseer of our home, if there is a spirit of discord, anger or confusion, it is our duty as the wife to find a way to eliminate it.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

Here are a few ways that I create a peaceful atmosphere in our home that you may find helpful and fitting for your home:

1. Play music that promotes love, calming thoughts, and positive conversation. Try to keep loud, non-gratifying music to a minimum. Music affects our mood more than we know!

- We keep our radio tuned to 105.7 FM KHCB, a Christian radio station, 24 hours a day playing softly in the background. This station is on while we’re at work, when we come home in the evenings and while we’re sleeping, it’s still covering our home. 105.7 FM covers an array of topics dealing with marriage, singlehood, parenting, taking care of elderly parents, mental health and more.

- When we’re getting dressed for a night out, I always play “love music”. My favorites include Frankie Beverly, Maze, Kem, The Isley Brothers, Anthony Hamilton, The Foreign Exchange, Daley, and Phil Collins. Save your favorites and jam with your sweetie!

2. Burn fragranced candles/incense that are calming, like lavender, cool air breeze, warm vanilla, and clean linen. (Be careful not to choose a harsh fragrance that can flare up allergies!)

- Every year at the Texas Renaissance Festival, I stock up on their incense. They have such a wide assortment where you can buy 100-packs for $20. I also enjoy buying soy candles because they last longer and the smell is more pronounced.

3. Encourage him to spend time alone.

- Time apart is just as important as time together. When he’s catching up on his favorite t.v. show, I’m working on my blog. As much as my husband and I enjoy our time together, our time apart provides relaxation, mental stimulation, and time to reflect. And when we come back together, we have renewed energy, an appreciation for one another’s presence, and new ideas to share!

There are also added benefits to setting the mood right in your home:

· Keeps everyone’s stress level low

· Relaxes the mind and body

· Encourages conversation

· Promotes intimacy

· Creates an enjoyable habitat for everyone to coexist

Wives, when we set the mood right , it creates a healthy balance in our marriage. In what ways do you set the mood right in your home?

Wives, Set the Mood Right.

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