A King & a Fool

"However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." –Ephesians 5:33

Ooooh! You get on MY NERVES! Sounds familiar? I’m sure we have all been guilty of saying this to our partner at one point or another, but starting today, let’s choose to start speaking to the king in him, and not the fool.

{MY LESSON}
During one of our morning gym chats with my dear friend, Nkechi, this CC’s Pieces birthed. Stop and think about what you say to your partner on a daily basis. Sure, there are times when he makes you so mad that before you even realize it, you’ve spouted out something in anger. But examine your heart. Are you intentionally saying things to tear him down? Sometimes, we intend to say something to help our partner, but instead it causes harm. That’s because it’s not always what you say but how you say it. If you believe your husband to be your king, but you speak to him in a condescending manner, he will act accordingly. Even if your partner is not where he needs to be as your king, speak it in faith over him! We speak the words of life…

Tristen and I joke around a lot, but what remains consistent is my respect for him. Daily, I make it a point to speak to the king in him. In the morning, “You’re going to have a productive day and God is going to give you wisdom on how to manage your business this week.” In the evening, “I’m really proud of you. Running your own business isn’t easy.” Even if you feel like your partner could be doing more, praise him for what he is doing. We are all a work in progress and need each other’s grace and encouragement.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
The last few CC’s Pieces have been centered around respect for your husband, and that’s the recurring theme for this one as well. Our husbands may not share our same love language, but one language that that they all speak is respect. What if he doesn’t deserve my respect? It’s not a matter of “deserving”. There are a lot of things that God gives us that we don’t deserve. But because He loves us, He gives it to us anyway. And this is what He calls us to do in our marriage as well.

• EXAMINE YOUR HEART. What’s in your heart will come out. If your heart isn’t right, you will be more prone to speaking to the fool in him rather than the king.
• THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. Enough said. Once you put it out there, you can’t take it back.
• SAY IT ANYWAY. Even when you don’t feel like saying positive things to your spouse, say them anyway. Especially in difficult times, your king needs to hear a positive word from you. Speak words of life over one another daily.
• ARGUE IN LOVE. Learn how to communicate your feelings without it compromising your marriage. Your emotions should not run you.
• APOLOGIZE. If you say something hurtful to your spouse, humble yourself and apologize quickly. We’re not guaranteed tomorrow.

Give this a try for 1 week and then let me know what kind of changes you start to see in your husband. You can thank me later.

In every man is a king and a fool. You get whichever one you speak to.

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Goals for Your Marriage

“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” –Proverbs 29:18
 

Every year around this time, we begin scribbling out our New Year’s resolutions—exercise more, find a mate, save more. Ironically, very few couples take the time to sit down together to plan their marriage goals. This is mostly because we have the mindset that once we get married, everything else will be fine and we will live happily ever after. But if you’re married, you know that it takes work to keep this boat afloat! Statistics show that nearly 50% of U.S. marriages end in divorce. This is largely because couples spend more time tending to everything else, but neglect the very thing that matters most—their marriage.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I started marriage goal planning a few years ago after my ex-boss shared her experience with doing it with her husband. The first time we shared, I was surprised to learn some of Tristen’s goals. I didn’t know that he desired to achieve so much! I realized at that moment how important it was for us to have this annual goal setting for our marriage.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Designate one person to write down the goals and store it somewhere safe to revisit during the year. I usually keep track of it in my phone and email it to Tristen.

1. Individual Goals- lose 50 lbs. by November, get certification by the end of the year, read 1 book per month

2. Household Goals- save $500/month for 6 month safety net, clean out garage by the end of March, cook at least 3 times per week

3. Marriage goals- This is the time to ask yourselves, “What do I want my relationship to look like?” Set aside 1 hour of quality time in the evening where no cell phones are allowed, be intimate at least 3 times per week, put into practice 1 CC’s Pieces per week

The objective is to list 2-4 goals under each category. Keeping the list short increases the likelihood of achieving your goals because you’re able to focus on a few things at a time. It’s also important to be specific and quantify your goals as much as possible (i.e. lose 50 lbs. by November). Don’t forget to discuss what obstacles may come up when working towards your goals and possible solutions!

Marriage does not have to be a struggle. Setting goals in your marriage is just as important as setting your professional and personal goals. In fact, your marriage should take first priority over your career, finances and children. Ultimately, your relationship with your spouse will determine how successful you are outside of the home. So, let’s start a new annual tradition: setting marriage goals.

Don’t forget. Plan goals for your marriage.

Credit: http://www.goalsettingstrategies.com/goals_for_marriages.html

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Thank You

“…in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” –1Thessalonianas 5:18

How much does a “thank you” cost these days? Oh, it’s free, you say? Well great! Your spouse would like to hear it more often, and not just only on your anniversary, birthday, and Christmas. He would like to hear it whenever he takes out the trash. Whenever he makes the bed. Whenever he helps the k...ids with their homework. Whenever he changes the lightbulb in the bedroom. WHENEVER he does something to make your life easier as his wife.

Somewhere between jumping the broom and putting the kids through college, showing appreciation starts to dwindle. Perhaps we assume that our mate already knows how much we appreciate them. Or maybe we think, “He’s supposed to do that—it’s his responsibility as the head of the household!” But just like you never get tired of him telling you that you’re beautiful…he never gets tired of hearing “thank you.”

 

{MY LESSON}
The most valuable lesson that I’ve learned is that positive reinforcement creates good habits, not asking him over and over again to do something. At first, I thought

Tristen just didn’t want to take out the trash. He knew that trash days were on Tuesdays and Fridays. But the truth was when he leaves to go to work, he has a lot on his mind and taking the trash out to the curb isn’t one of them. So I started dragging the trashcan to the middle of the garage to remind him that it was trash day. That helped a lot, but when I started sending him text messages that said, “I appreciate you taking out the trash today”, he instantaneously started remembering to take out the trash on his own! Wa-la! It’s magic!
 
{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
This will probably be the easiest CC’s Pieces to put into action because there’s only one thing you have to do: JUST SAY IT. Never underestimate the power of a “thank you”. Showing sincere appreciation goes much further than complaining or not showing any thanks at all. Just think about how your heart warms when your child squeals, “Thanks mommy!”

{DIGGING A LITTLE DEEPER}
Our Black men have a number of odds working against them, so when one decides to get married and work hard to do the right thing by his family, that is to be CELEBRATED. Our men can’t hear “thank you” enough. He may never tell you, but as his wife, you must remember that he too needs to feel appreciated. So if you’re having trouble with getting your beau to do his part, start giving out free thank-you’s and watch him transform into the husband and father you prayed for him to be.

No one ever gets tired of hearing “Thank You”.

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Don't Abandon Your Enjoyments

Besides being a mother, being a wife is one of the most selfless titles a woman can ever have. Women are constant nurturers and caregivers who give so much of ourselves that if we’re not careful, we will lose our very own identity. God has given all of us unique gifts, talents and interests that should not be tossed out the window just because our title changes to “wife” or “husband”. If you have a spouse who is struggling in this area, he/she needs your support and encouragement.

{MY LESSON}
During the first few years of being married, I was “Team Tristen” to the core. I made my interests his interests. My time was his time. Most of this was by choice because when you’re courting/newly married, part of you desires to be with your mate every waking moment. But as we well know, life is in seasons.

Around year five in our marriage, I found myself transitioning into a new season of self re-discovery. With the onset of going natural in 2010, I began to unearth hidden talents and interests that I didn’t know I had. From fitness, to modeling, to dancing, I was gradually being re-introduced to myself. Initially, it felt awkward spending time apart, almost like a sin! But no matter what new interest I found, Tristen gave his unwavering support and cheered me on. Essentially, he gave me room to be me and to grow.

I genuinely believe that because of Tristen's selflessness, our marriage has thrived. But here’s the key: We balanced our time between sharing common interests and cultivating our own individual enjoyments. Along the way, we both learned the art of sacrificing our own preferences for the betterment of the other. For example, I’m not passionate about football, but he is, so I attend football watch parties with him. He’s not passionate about dancing, but I am, so he will attend dance classes with me to show his support.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” This also applies to the marriage bond. Sacrificing your own interests for the betterment of your relationship is truly what marriage is about.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
It’s important for husbands and wives to share common interests, but not abandon their individual enjoyments. If this is an area that you want to work on with your spouse, here are a few tips to help:

1. Have an open conversation with your spouse. “Honey, I miss taking art classes. For me, it is therapeutic and allows me some time to unwind after a long week with the kids.”

2. Discuss an action plan. “I would like to have one weekend per month, for one hour, to take art classes. Can you watch the kids for me while I’m gone?”

3. Show your appreciation. “Honey, I really appreciate you understanding how important this is to me. I love you and the kids very much, and I appreciate you all reciprocating that love by giving me the time to enjoy my art classes.”

Husbands, here’s a helpful tip: If you see that your wife is becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the day-to-day life tasks, now would be a great time to introduce this CC’s Pieces to her and encourage her to break away to do something she enjoys. Just watch how rejuvenated she will return home!

Share common interests, but don’t abandon your enjoyments.

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UNDERSTAND. UNDERSTOOD.

 

UGH! HE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME!!  Question (answer truthfully!): When you’re having a discussion with your mate, do you typically seek first to understand or to be understood?

While having date night with a couple of friends, the question came up from one of the ladies, “How can I effectively communicate with him?” (pointing to her date). She went on to explain that she feels like he doesn’...t understand her and she feels it may be because they don’t really know how to communicate with one another. When I asked her the same question, do you seek to understand or to be understood, she answered truthfully, “to be understood.” After thinking about it for a second, she began to realize where their breakdown in communication was stemming from.

Effective communication is an art and can take time for some to grasp ahold to, especially since we live in a world now where we let our fingers do most of the talking. We also become too consumed with proving a point and convincing the other person that we’re right and they’re wrong. But everything should not always be about being right/wrong. Remember, you and your mate are on the same team!

{MY LESSON}
This is an area that I work on daily, but I've seen great improvement in how I communicate with Tristen since 2007, the year we got married. As a new wife, I allowed my communication to be controlled by my emotions, and as we all know, men don't respond too kindly to that! I remember saying to Tristen quite often "You don't understand me!" Never did it occur to me that I needed to first seek to understand him (must be one of the side effects of being an only child). But Tristen remained patient with me as I worked through it, and with time and MUCH prayer, God transformed how I communicated with him. Yes, wives, you will still have moments where you revert back to your old communication style (seeking to be understood). But with time, those occurrences become few and far between.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Here are ways you can get back on track with communicating effectively with your spouse:

• Seek to understand first.
In order to do this, you have to allow your mate to complete their thoughts without interruption and show that you are ACTIVELY listening. Active listening means that you are focused on their words, tone of voice, and body language. Active listening means you are not formulating what your next response is going to be so you can one-up your spouse.

• Summarize what your spouse has expressed in order to show you are listening and engaged.
Example: “So what I hear you saying, Tristen, is that you don’t like it when I leave the cap off the toothpaste because it gets messy, right?”

• Respond in love, not tit-for-tat.
As a defense mechanism, sometimes when our spouse expresses they're upset with us, we retaliate with something else they've done to deflect the attention off of us. But the most effective way to deal with an upset spouse is to respond in love.
Example: “Well, I apologize Tristen for leaving the cap off the toothpaste. I was in a hurry, so I forgot to put it back on. I will be more mindful of that next time.”

Note: Remember that communication is about presentation as well. If you’re the one who is expressing a fault to your spouse, be mindful of your tone and how you’re expressing your concerns. Remember, “It’s not always about what you say, but how you say it.”

Seek first to understand. Then to be unserstood.

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Speak Positively

“Her husband is respected at the city gate..." --Proverbs 31:23

“Girl, he gets on my NERVES! He NEVER [fill in the blank] and he ALWAYS [fill in the blank]!” Sounds like a familiar conversation, wives? Sure. We get frustrated sometimes and need an outlet. But the city gate is NOT the place we need to go to vent! Why not?

If the city gate is meant to protect a city (in this case, your marriage/your husband) and keep intruders out, then as wives, we have to guard that gate by not inviting in the intruder.

{MY LESSON}
Although my mother and I are extremely close, I knew that in order for our marriage to survive, I had to close that gate when it came to discussing our marriage. We all know that mothers are protective and if your husband messes up, it takes FOREVER for them to forgive and move on!

Because I know that Tristen always has my best interest at heart (even when he has done something to upset me), I honor him by talking the issues out with him and seeking God for wisdom. If the issue is too big for us to handle alone, we have no problem with seeing a marriage counselor—this is healthy and should not be looked down upon.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Here’s what Proverbs 31 has to say about the virtuous woman in regards to her husband. Take a moment to ask yourself the questions given and make a concerted effort to be honest with yourself.

• She brings him good, not harm (v. 12)
-Do I bring my husband harm in what I say to him/about him? If so, how will I change that?

• Her husband is respected at the city gate (v. 23)
-Am I doing my part to ensure my husband is respected at the city gate? If not, how can I change that?

• Her husband praises her. (v. 28)
-Do I bring joy to my husband? When he thinks of me, is he proud to be married to me? If not, what can I start doing to change that?

May this CC’s Pieces bring healing and restoration to your marriage.

Honor him. Speak only positively of him in the gates.

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No Nagging!

BAM! Husbands, you can thank me in DSW coupons for this one. Wives, it took me a while to really catch on to this CC's Pieces, but I think I've got it down now!

NAG. NAG. NAG. This 3 - letter word wreaks havoc on so many marriages and unfortunately ladies, we're usually the culprit. Yes, we only mean well. BUT nagging ends up doing more harm than good (blame it on how God hardwired men). What end...s up happening is we push our husbands further into the very habit we're trying to get him to change. So how do I stop this vicious cycle, you ask? 

{YOU LEAD BY ACTION}

My Lesson : I nagged Mr. Sutton daily about working out with me. He wanted to go at his own pace, but I wanted him to go at turbo speed with me. He grew weary of me nagging, and I grew weary of nagging him. I prayed and prayed that God would change him, but then it dawned on me: I was praying the wrong prayer. Truthfully, I was frustrated with the fact that I was struggling with losing weight, not really with Tristen.

So I changed my prayer and asked God to help me focus on my own weight loss, and I would trust Him to do the same with Tristen. From that day forward, I didn't mention anything about the gym to him anymore. I worked out daily, changed my eating habits, and now one year later, I'm down 30+ pounds.

And guess who's in the gym more now and eating healthier?

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