Marriage: A Lifelong Commitment. Not a Lackadaisical Convenience.

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Matthew 19:6

 

 

What’s the longest marriage you’ve ever heard of? Did you wonder what made that couple stay committed for so long? If you’ve ever asked a wife who’s been married for 20+ years what made her stay, she’s not likely to say his good looks or his skills in the bedroom. So why do so many of us select who we’re going to marry based on how good he looks or how great he is in bed? Choosing a mate based solely on these  qualities are a sure way to end up in divorce court. If you’re recently engaged or on the dating front line, this CC’s Pieces is going to serve it to you straight!

{MY LESSON}

MARRIAGE IS REAL. Now what comes after “REAL” is what you make it. Real “fun”. Real “hard”. You and your spouse get to define what that is. When Tristen and I first got married, marriage for me was real “different”. I had to adjust to a lot of new things—sharing space with someone (I’m an only child), learning how to be submissive, having to learn a whole new person, etc. But the one lesson that I had to learn quickly was that divorce was not an option. I’ll be honest, in the beginning, it was easier said than done. Running away can seem like the best option when things aren’t going as planned. But we have to make a decision to not allow divorce to be an option, and to this day, we don’t mention the word in our home.

What makes marriage so different from any other human relationship is that it is designed to be a lifelong commitment. There are no other relationships referenced in the Bible where we are commanded to be committed for a lifetime to someone—not to our parents, not to our children, not to our friends, not to our boss. Only to our spouse. How do you stay committed to one person for so long in this day and time? It’s a choice. Every day, you choose to work through the issues. Every day, you choose to love your spouse unconditionally. Every day, you choose to live selflessly for the betterment of your marriage.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

1.      Divorce is not an option. Don’t even allow the word to escape your mouth or enter your home. Marriage is a selfless commitment, and divorce has no place in selflessness. Yes, times may get extremely hard where divorce seems to be the only option. But know that God wants you to seek wise counsel during those times. He wants your marriage to make it.

2.     Stay. Don’t run away. When you run into obstacles or conflicts in your marriage, what do you normally automatically do? Do you get upset? Do you leave the house? Do you place the blame on him? Or do you work it out together?

3.     Plan for the future. Where do you see your marriage five, ten years from now? Share your vision with your spouse to make sure you both share the same hopes and dreams.

4.     Pray. Pray. Pray! God never intended for us to do marriage alone. This is a team effort, and you’re definitely going to need Him to help you through the journey. Take the time to pray together daily-- even if you're short on time.

Your marriage is what you make of it. There’s no such thing as a perfect one. But just remember…

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, not a lackadaisical convenience.

Credit: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/strengthening-your-marriage/mentoring-101/marriage-discussion-12-traits

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Wives. Set the Mood Right.

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. – Proverbs 14:1

 

After a long day at work taking care of client’s needs, interviewing candidates, and jumping in and out of conference calls, I am on “E”. But, there’s no greater compliment that I can think of than when Tristen comes home and says, “I’m so glad I get to come home to you and a peaceful home every night.” When I shared with him that I intentionally create a serene atmosphere for our home, he seemed surprised (I think he thought it just happened through osmosis!).

If you’re a wife, you know it takes work to set the right mood for your home, especially if you lead an equally busy life as your spouse and you have kiddos to keep up with.

{MY LESSON}

One thing that my mom told me when I first became a wife was, “As the wife, you create the atmosphere for your home.” This meant more than just keeping a tidy house because one can have a house that is visibly clean, but spiritually filthy. This really meant that it was my responsibility to ensure that our home had the right spirit dwelling inside. Ultimately, as the overseer of our home, if there is a spirit of discord, anger or confusion, it is our duty as the wife to find a way to eliminate it.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

Here are a few ways that I create a peaceful atmosphere in our home that you may find helpful and fitting for your home:

1.  Play music that promotes love, calming thoughts, and positive conversation. Try to keep loud, non-gratifying music to a minimum. Music affects our mood more than we know!

-  We keep our radio tuned to 105.7 FM KHCB, a Christian radio station, 24 hours a day playing softly in the background. This station is on while we’re at work, when we come home in the evenings and while we’re sleeping, it’s still covering our home.  105.7 FM covers an array of topics dealing with marriage, singlehood, parenting, taking care of elderly parents, mental health and more.

-  When we’re getting dressed for a night out, I always play “love music”. My favorites include Frankie Beverly, Maze, Kem, The Isley Brothers, Anthony Hamilton, The Foreign Exchange, Daley, and Phil Collins. Save your favorites and jam with your sweetie!

2. Burn fragranced candles/incense that are calming, like lavender, cool air breeze, warm vanilla, and clean linen. (Be careful not to choose a harsh fragrance that can flare up allergies!)

-  Every year at the Texas Renaissance Festival, I stock up on their incense. They have such a wide assortment where you can buy 100-packs for $20. I also enjoy buying soy candles because they last longer and the smell is more pronounced.

3. Encourage him to spend time alone.

-  Time apart is just as important as time together. When he’s catching up on his favorite t.v. show, I’m working on my blog. As much as my husband and I enjoy our time together, our time apart provides relaxation, mental stimulation, and time to reflect. And when we come back together, we have renewed energy, an appreciation for one another’s presence, and new ideas to share!  

There are also added benefits to setting the mood right in your home:

·  Keeps everyone’s stress level low

·  Relaxes the mind and body

·  Encourages conversation

·  Promotes intimacy

·  Creates an enjoyable habitat for everyone to coexist

Wives, when we set the mood right , it creates a healthy balance in our marriage. In what ways do you set the mood right in your home?

Wives, Set the Mood Right.

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Be Anxious about Nothing

 “The way you tell me to live is always right; help me understand it so I can live to the fullest.” –Psalm 119:144

 

 

Will I get the promotion? Will I be married by thirty-five? Will I be able to provide for my children as a single mother? How will the Church view me if I do this?  I’m getting older and not married—will I be able to have children of my own?

I want to take time to really connect with my sisters today. There is SO much going on in our lives that it’s really hard sometimes to not be anxious. And society doesn’t help. It tells us that if you’re not wearing this, living here, driving that, putting your kids in this school, or married by this timeframe, you’re nobody. It’s enough to drive you into depression, and sadly, some of you reading this are staring at depression right now.

But I want to give you hope and a fresh outlook! God has already mapped out the blueprint for your life and all you have to do is LIVE IT. You don’t have to be what everyone else says you need to be or make apologies for what you’re not. The way God tells us to live is ALWAYS right. Now you just have to ask God to help you understand it so you can live it to the fullest.

{MY LESSON}

This week, I found myself toiling over what to do with a particular matter. I had prayed about it all week and was waiting for God to shout out the answer to me. But it wasn’t until Sunday that He spoke to my spirit and told me to write down my thoughts and He would reveal His will to me. So I opened up a fresh new journal that my mother bought me recently, and let my thoughts flow. (I used to journal all the time, but as we all know, life gets busy and some things we enjoy doing fall by the wayside). Journaling gave me immediate relief from what was swirling around in my head and by the time I put the pen down, God had spoken to my spirit on the matter and I was released from it. All anxiety, gone.

Have you ever found yourself doing something because others wanted you to do it, not because you wanted to? Have you ever found yourself committing to something and then changing your mind 49 times before finally making a decision? It’s not always because you’re indecisive or because you have a problem with keeping commitments. It’s sometimes because your spirit is not at peace and you’re fighting the will of God. My friends who come to me for advice know that the first thing I will say is “Follow peace.” I realize that this is easier said than done, especially if you don’t want to disappoint someone else. But following this mantra hasn’t failed me yet, and I know it won’t fail you either.

 

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

Who can understand the heart of a woman—with all its joys and triumphs, challenges and heartaches? We have so much to think about that we barely have enough time to process it all. But before you mummify yourself into anxiety, stop. Take a deep breath, and try some of these things to help you:

1.     PRAY about it. Seems simple, but many of us forget to do this. It doesn’t have to be long and drawn out. It can be as simple as “Lord, please calm my heart and take away my anxiety.” He knows what you need before you can even formulate the words to say.

2.     WRITE your thoughts down. I don’t know the science behind it, but there’s something about getting your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. It helps me every single time. If you’re short on time and need to make an important decision, form a t-chart and list the pros on one side and the cons on the other side. Whichever one outweighs the other, that’s likely your answer.

3.     SEEK GODLY COUNSEL. Sometimes the matter is too big for us and we need to hear from someone with wise counsel. Ask God to lead you to the right counsel.

4.     BE PATIENT and FOLLOW PEACE. Keep doing what you know is the right thing to do. When we do our part and trust God to do the rest, He ALWAYS comes through. God reveals His will in his own timing, which is always perfect. So don’t force your way through. You’ll only mess it up!

One of my favorite scriptures to go to: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

I know that there is one woman who needed to read this message today. If it’s you, save it somewhere so you can refer to it again. We all need gentle reminders to keep us encouraged and focused on God’s will. You have a calling on your life and the enemy will do whatever he can to distract, distort or discourage you. Remember, your life has already been beautifully mapped out by our Creator. All you have to do is live it to the fullest. 

The blueprint is finished. Be anxious about nothing.

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Make Time for Each Other

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” --Genesis 2:24

How long has it been since you and your spouse had a date night? I know. It’s been a while, and you don’t see it happening anytime soon because life is so busy. But, if we check our priorities, are they in the right order? Be honest, is this yours right now: 1. Kids 2. Work 3. Home 4. Spouse? That’s okay, you don’t have to admit it. For most of us, that is the order, and that’s why we don’t have time for our partner. Life is so much busier now with so many things competing for our time-- work, kids, social media, television, extra-curricular activities...

{MY LESSON}
 

I came to the realization one day that we spend more time with people on our job than we do at home with our own spouse—sobering! So as life continues to demand more out of us, we have to be intentional about spending time with our spouse.  Tristen and I have a weekly standing appointment every Thursday for date night. It’s not always at a fancy restaurant. In fact, it’s usually at home with our favorite takeout in front of one of our Netflix shows. If you have small children, your date night may start after the kids are down for bed. Sharing a bowl of ice cream or a nice cup of tea with your honey snuggled up in bed is just as effective. It’s all about intentionally carving out time out of your day to spend with your husband. The key to this is agreeing on a night to schedule your date, and STICKING TO IT!

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

 

1.     LEARN TO SAY “NO.” It’s okay. You cannot be everything to everyone, nor does God expect for you to be. I personally struggled in this area, so I can speak first-hand to it. Initially, it won’t feel right to say “NO” because you’re so used to saying “YES”. But know that it doesn’t make you any less of a person to say no. This also applies to your children!

2.     STOP TRYING TO KEEP UP. Yep, we’re all guilty of it—trying to keep up with the Joneses. You want the nice cars and the big house like them, but you have NO IDEA what it took for them to acquire them. If gaining these material things require you to work yourself to death and to spend excessive amounts of time away from your family, it’s not worth it.

 

3.     PRIORITIZE. Before starting your day, make a list of your priority items that must get done that day. Limit it to no more than 5 items, if you can. Make sure your partner is listed somewhere on that list—whether it be picking up his dry cleaning, preparing a meal before he gets home, or calling to check on him at least once that day. He needs to know that he’s on your daily list of priorities.

 

4.     KEEP YOUR COMMITMENTS WITH ONE ANOTHER. If you schedule a date night with one another, do everything you can to keep that commitment. Sure, things do come up, but consider rescheduling the conflicting appointment before rescheduling your date night.

Become intentional about spending time with your life partner. Just implementing these four practices will help you to quickly regain control over how you prioritize your time allow you to share more of it with the one who matters most, your spouse.

 

Make time for each other. The world can wait.

Credit: http://abiblicalmarriage.com/making-your-husband-a-priority/

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Find a Friend, Find a Happy Home

 “The pleasantness of having a friend springs from his earnest counsel. Do not forsake your friend.” --Proverbs 27:9-10

“You don’t need any friends. I'M ALL THE FRIEND YOU NEED!”

{MY LESSON}

I’ve seen couples struggle under the false pretense that hanging out with friends occasionally will bring destruction to their marriage. But as with anything else in life, there has to be a balance. Though water is good for us, drinking too much at once can be detrimental. The same holds true in our marriage. In reality, what lies at the root of this issue is a lack of trust and sometimes even jealousy. She doesn’t trust that he will be faithful if he goes out with his friends. He gets jealous when she spends time with her girlfriends and thinks they will encourage her to leave him. Before anything else, trust and jealousy have to be addressed in order to be comfortable with your spouse spending time with friends.

 

Tristen and I were both social people before we got married, and we are still the same way today.  We enjoy the company of friends just as much as we enjoy our time alone together.  The thing that we have learned is that balance is key.  Sometimes we spend the weekends together with other couples, and other weekends we spend them apart with our friends.  Because I trust his character, I trust that he is choosing the right set of friends to associate with (and if I don’t know them, he arranges time for us to meet). We have seen couples struggle in this area primarily because one partner is an extrovert and the other one is a home-body. Though opposites do attract sometimes, it’s important to take into consideration this dynamic before getting married. To think that your spouse should or will change after you get married is unfair and in most cases, it breeds resentment and excessive arguing.

We are not called to get married to live in a silo and abandon our friends and family. In fact, we are instructed in Proverbs 27:10 to “Do not forsake your friend.” Yes, you need your spouse, but you also need your girlfriends and he needs his boys too. Time apart is healthy and gives you both the opportunity to get a break from one another. Remember, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”.  Also, if you’re surrounded by other like-minded couples, it gives you an opportunity to learn from them and take good habits home to your marriage. Who knows, your husband’s friend may rub off on him and influence him to be a better husband for you!

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

If this is an area that you and your spouse struggle in, take the time to address it.  Think about this: You and your husband deal with the stresses of life everyday—work, rearing kids, civic duties, caring for family members…the list goes on and on. I personally like it when Tristen spends time away with his friends. He comes back home refreshed, in high spirits and ready to show attention to our marriage. Even if you don’t see the benefit of spending time away right now, try it. If done correctly, you will see a positive change in your relationship.

·         ESTABLISH TRUST. If your marriage has suffered from a betrayal of trust, seek forgiveness from one another and move forward. If Christian counseling is needed to help you through this, don’t hesitate to seek it out.

·         COMMUNICATE your concerns. Be open with one another and allow your spouse the opportunity to explain their point of view.

·         Understand that BALANCE in your relationship is important. Time together is just as important as time away with your friends/family.

·         TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME. Allow your spouse the opportunity to go out one weekend with his friends. Husbands, when you return, sit down with your wife and talk about how your outing went. If you want her to be comfortable with you spending time with friends, communicate, communicate, communicate! Don’t just return home and say to her “We had fun” and then go to bed. Involve her by sharing. It will help  put her at ease.

·         DO DOUBLE DATES. Husbands, if your wife is not comfortable with you going out with the guys because she doesn’t know them, arrange an outing where all of you can get together so she can meet them. Wives, be willing to do this on some occasions, even if you don’t like going out. It’s about compromise.

If you’re the spouse who doesn’t have many friends, but your partner does, it’s okay. Allow him to spend time with those friends and if you don't have friends, join an organization, volunteer your time, join a church group—do something to make new friends. Or if you’re one who prefers to be alone, that’s fine too. But don’t make your husband feel bad if he wants to spend time with friends. Allow each other the time and space to connect with other people. When done in moderation and under the right intention, it will work wonders for your marriage.

Find a friend. Find a happy home.

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Expectations -- The Silent Killer of Marriages

“The hope of the righteous brings joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish.”  -Proverbs 10:28

I read an interesting article over the weekend that really opened my eyes. In researching the top reasons why couples divorce, I frequently run across the same answers: finances, sex and adultery. But an article by Jessica Orwig featured in Business Insider, “Here’s Why Marriage Is Harder than Ever”, introduced a new culprit: Expectations.

According to Northwestern University’s psychology professor, Eli Finkel, compared to previous generations, “today’s marriages make it harder for couples to cultivate a flourishing relationship.” This is what he also refers to as the “suffocation model of marriage in America”. What expectations do you have of your spouse that could be suffocating your union? Here are a few common ones:

·         She expects him to continue to do the sweet things he did during courtship.

·         He expects her to take have a career, care for the home, and tend to the children. He believes he doesn’t need to be as involved with domestic responsibilities.

·         She expects him to make more money as the husband.

·         He expects intimacy every night.

·         She expects him to stop socializing once they marry. The only friend he needs is her.

The list goes on and on. And we keep suffocating each other more and more…to the brink of divorce. Let’s pull the plug on this one in 2015 and reevaluate our expectations.

{MY LESSON}

“Cooking is not my domestic gift.” There. I said it. The truth is, I’m just coming to terms with this, almost 8 years into our marriage. It’s not that I can’t cook; Mr. Sutton enjoys my meals a lot when I actually do cook. But if you left it to me, we would eat out 7 days a week. That’s because for whatever unknown reason, I get anxiety over having to decide what to cook. And if I’m trying a new recipe, I get even more nerved up about it turning out right.  I know it sounds strange, but cooking is stressful for me! But it’s not for Tristen. He’s actually really good with coming up with different recipes and concocting his own seasonings.

Recently, I got to my breaking point and came out with the truth to Tristen: “I don’t enjoy cooking. I enjoy cleaning and just about any other domestic responsibility. Can you please take over cooking?” That was probably one of the toughest conversations I’ve ever had with him. I was finally admitting that I didn’t enjoy something that according to society, EVERY wife should love to do and be great at it. Though it was tough, I literally felt the veil of suffocation release the top of my head. Tristen was understanding and has graciously taken over his area of expertise in the kitchen. I still do make “guest appearances” and whip up a little something for my honey, but I actually enjoy the experience now. Perhaps because it’s no longer an act out of expectation, but out of love…

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

Husbands, what expectations are you suffocating your wife with? Wives, ask yourselves the same question.

1.       ASK YOURSELF, “Why do I have these expectations of my spouse? Are the motives behind my expectations selfish?” Is it because you saw your parents do it? Is it because your buddy’s wife does it? Is it because society says you should have those expectations?

2.       SEEK WAYS TO HELP your spouse in the areas that you see them drowning in. Your wife may seem like she’s super woman, but even super heroes need a break. She can’t have a career, tend to domestic responsibilities AND take care of the children all on her own. She needs you.

3.       HAVE AN OPEN & HONEST CONVERSATION with your spouse. If we know communication is the key, why do we shy away from it so much? Yes, communicating makes you vulnerable, but it’s also very liberating and brings healing.

4.       SHOW APPRECIATION. This goes back to my previous CC’s Pieces, “No one ever gets tired of hearing “Thank You”.

Chances are, your spouse may not even realize they’re suffocating. That’s where being in tune with one another comes into play. Try something this week: Observe the way your spouse handles day-to-day responsibilities and seek ways to help in the areas that he/struggles with. Take control and don’t allow your expectations to kill your marriage.

Expectations – The Silent Killer of Marriages

Credit:  http://www.businessinsider.com/why-marriage-is-hard-2015-1

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/what-does-the-bible-say-about-expectations-a-christian-study/

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Make-up 101: Applying the Right Foundation

“Lord, I want a man who is 6’2”, attractive, athletic, makes six figures, has a college degree, has a big house, drives a nice luxury car, dresses well, smells good, goes to church regularly, has no children, has never been married, a great lover in bed, and gives foot massages at least once a week.”

Though humorous, these are the types of qualities many women are seeking in a husband. And though there's nothing wrong with wanting any of these things, they are what I call “the cosmetics.” Sure, we all want someone who is easy on the eyes and can offer us the best things in life, but if his values are out of whack, all the other things don’t matter. As women, we all know the importance of applying the right foundation when putting on make-up. Let's apply this same principle when seeking out the right spouse.

{MY LESSON- “THE COSMETICS”}

As a single woman, the key things that I specifically prayed for in a husband were someone who loved the Lord, worked hard, shared the same values as me, someone who was easy on the eyes (it didn’t have to be Idris Elba, but hey, I had to find him attractive), and lastly, someone who would love me more than I loved him (I’ll explain that a little later). Then, during my sophomore year in college, Tristen Sutton walked into the room at an INROADS summer training workshop. Though he was driving a 1996 Honda and barely made enough to afford his part of the rent at the time, I knew I had spotted great potential.

I’m not a sappy person, so I’m not going to tell a story about him sweeping me off of my feet. But I will be honest and say that he was the first guy, that I can recall, who I actually went up to and introduced myself first. I had just pledged Delta Sigma Theta Sorority that year, so you have to understand that this was a BIG deal (you know how some sorority girls can be in thinking that they shouldn’t have to lift a finger---EVERY guy should want to be with them by default.) So what made me approach him you ask?

His presence. I knew the moment he entered the room he was different from all the other guys. His stately stature and inviting smile was my first indicator. CHECK. As I watched him work the room interacting with the other interns, I noticed that he was just like me—not cliquish and enjoyed being around other people. Another Check. Then, when I finally mustered up the courage to approach him…THOSE HAZEL EYES! Check. Check. CHECK. It was a wrap!

{“THE FOUNDATION”}

Though we didn’t start dating until after college (which I believe was by God’s design), we did establish a great friendship that rekindled every summer when he returned from Texas A&M. I learned that he was a devout Christian man who had re-dedicated his life to celibacy in hopes that God would bless him with the wife he had prayed for. As if our stories couldn’t have been any more similar, I was honoring God in the same manner with holding on to my virginity until marriage. So another big check—we shared the same core values. Finally, when we started dating late 2005, I found my answer to the last request that I prayed for: someone who loved me more than I loved him. What does that mean?

This was a golden nugget that my mother instilled in me early, and I’m so glad that she did. By nature, women are nurturers, tend to give way more than we probably should sometimes, and we love harder. So to find a man who genuinely loved me more than I loved him would almost be like spotting a unicorn. Every guy that I had been with before Tristen, though they were good guys, I knew that I loved them far more than they loved me, which is probably why it didn’t work out. For the FIRST time, I had met a guy who loved me more than I loved him. It took some time for me to realize it, but the key indicators were: he called me just as much as I called him, he consistently showed a genuine concern for my well-being, he expressed his love for me daily through his actions, and he openly communicated his desire to one day make me his wife. After dating for about one year, he asked my mother for my hand in marriage, and she joyfully gave her blessing.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}

God knows what you desire and what’s best for you. He will give you some things that you prayed for, and then others, he won’t…at least not at that time. Don’t get so wrapped up in the cosmetics. Tristen had a little weight to work off, and I’m sure I was no Beyoncé to him either. But we were both wise enough to realize that the foundation was right, and that’s what mattered most. Here are a few golden nuggets to help you on your journey to marriage:

1.      LEARN TO BE CONTENT and be diligent in serving the Kingdom while single. (1 Corinthians 7:17) Marriage is a blessing, but it is not for the selfish or faint at heart. It takes work. (1 Corinthians 7:28)

2.     PRAY SPECIFICALLY for what you desire in a mate. And be sure that you can offer the same!

3.     PREPARE NOW for becoming a wife. Being a Godly wife is more than just wearing a beautiful ring on your left hand. (Proverbs 31)

4.     TRUST GOD to lead your Boaz to you. HE who finds a good wife, finds a good thing. Not the other way around. (Proverbs 18:22)

5.       DON’T SETTLE.

·        Guard your heart. Everyone is not looking out for your best interest. So you have to remain diligent in protecting yourself. (Proverbs 4:23)

·         Remain sexually pure until marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:1-7)

·         Do not be unequally yoked. This goes for dating as well. (2 Corinthians 6:14)

This CC’s Pieces is dedicated to every woman travailing through singlehood. I know you want that unicorn, but don’t miss your blessing by being too focused on the exterior! Get the foundation right, and God will show you when and how to apply the cosmetics.

Pray for the right foundation. You can apply the cosmetics later.

‪#‎FightforLove‬
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‪#‎BlackMarriageMatters‬
‪#‎BlackMarriageRocks‬
‪#‎Marriageisaministry