“The hope of the righteous brings joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish.” -Proverbs 10:28
I read an interesting article over the weekend that really opened my eyes. In researching the top reasons why couples divorce, I frequently run across the same answers: finances, sex and adultery. But an article by Jessica Orwig featured in Business Insider, “Here’s Why Marriage Is Harder than Ever”, introduced a new culprit: Expectations.
According to Northwestern University’s psychology professor,
Eli Finkel, compared to previous generations, “today’s marriages make it harder
for couples to cultivate a flourishing relationship.” This is what he also
refers to as the “suffocation model of marriage in America”. What expectations
do you have of your spouse that could be suffocating your union? Here are a few
common ones:
·
She expects him to continue to do the sweet
things he did during courtship.
·
He expects her to take have a career, care for
the home, and tend to the children. He believes he doesn’t need to be as
involved with domestic responsibilities.
·
She expects him to make more money as the
husband.
·
He expects intimacy every night.
·
She expects him to stop socializing once they
marry. The only friend he needs is her.
The list goes on and on. And we keep suffocating each other
more and more…to the brink of divorce. Let’s pull the plug on this one in 2015
and reevaluate our expectations.
{MY LESSON}
“Cooking is not my domestic gift.” There. I said it. The
truth is, I’m just coming to terms with this, almost 8 years into our marriage.
It’s not that I can’t cook; Mr. Sutton enjoys my meals a lot when I actually do
cook. But if you left it to me, we would eat out 7 days a week. That’s because
for whatever unknown reason, I get anxiety over having to decide what to cook.
And if I’m trying a new recipe, I get even more nerved up about it turning out
right. I know it sounds strange, but
cooking is stressful for me! But it’s not for Tristen. He’s actually really
good with coming up with different recipes and concocting his own seasonings.
Recently, I got to my breaking point and came out with the
truth to Tristen: “I don’t enjoy cooking. I enjoy cleaning and just about any
other domestic responsibility. Can you please take over cooking?” That was
probably one of the toughest conversations I’ve ever had with him. I was finally
admitting that I didn’t enjoy something that according to society, EVERY wife
should love to do and be great at it. Though it was tough, I literally felt the
veil of suffocation release the top of my head. Tristen was understanding and
has graciously taken over his area of expertise in the kitchen. I still do make
“guest appearances” and whip up a little something for my honey, but I actually
enjoy the experience now. Perhaps because it’s no longer an act out of expectation,
but out of love…
{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Husbands, what expectations are you suffocating your wife
with? Wives, ask yourselves the same question.
1.
ASK YOURSELF, “Why do I have these expectations
of my spouse? Are the motives behind my expectations selfish?” Is it because
you saw your parents do it? Is it because your buddy’s wife does it? Is it
because society says you should have those expectations?
2.
SEEK WAYS TO HELP your spouse in the areas that
you see them drowning in. Your wife may seem like she’s super woman, but even
super heroes need a break. She can’t have a career, tend to domestic responsibilities
AND take care of the children all on her own. She needs you.
3.
HAVE AN OPEN & HONEST CONVERSATION with your
spouse. If we know communication is the key, why do we shy away from it so
much? Yes, communicating makes you vulnerable, but it’s also very liberating
and brings healing.
4.
SHOW APPRECIATION. This goes back to my previous
CC’s Pieces, “No one ever gets tired of hearing “Thank You”.
Chances are, your spouse may not even realize they’re
suffocating. That’s where being in tune with one another comes into play. Try
something this week: Observe the way your spouse handles day-to-day responsibilities
and seek ways to help in the areas that he/struggles with. Take control and don’t
allow your expectations to kill your marriage.
Expectations – The Silent Killer of Marriages
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I've been enjoying reading your entries.
ReplyDeleteLove it sis! You are helping a lot of marriages. My husband and I have the same agreement. He enjoys cooking and well I'm horrible. Lol! So I clean after he cooks and do the other chores around the house.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was alone!
ReplyDeleteGreat article!
ReplyDeleteGreat read. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThis is a Great Share CC!! It shines a light on a subject that is not often looked at because of the reasons that most often occur in a marriage!
ReplyDeleteI'm so with you on not enjoying to cook. I do it because I have to. I'm single and I found that cooking (along with some of the things you mentioned) is at the top of the list of expectations even when dating. It's always that "Do you cook?" or "Do you do this or that?" question. And if I say NO would that be a deal breaker? Great post!
ReplyDelete