Submission is Not Slavery

“Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” –Colossians 3:18

“Shoot! Can I skip this CC’s Pieces today?” No you may not. Please proceed.

Did God ordain your union? Does your husband submit to God first? Does he show a genuine love for you like Christ loves his church? THEN TRUST HIM. SUBMIT TO HIM. Yes. It takes time, especially in the early years of your marriage where trust is being developed and you’re learning more about who you really married. But the benefits of submitting to your husband FAR OUTWEIGH the outcome of choosing not to submit.

If you are concerned with never getting your way if you become submissive to your husband, consider that your husband will want to make you happy when you become a calm, gracious wife. If you’re respectful and kind towards him, he will reciprocate it. Like grandma said, “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

{MY LESSON}
Coming from a single parent home and not seeing an example of this daily, I was initially very nervous about how I would measure up as a wife in this area. Many of us in the Black community share this same story; we were raised by strong, independent, single mothers. And in reality, most of the time, we become what we see. But what I love about God is that He will divinely place something within you, even if you’ve never been formally trained or exposed to it, if you earnestly seek Him for it.

It took time for me to grow into a submissive wife (and I’m still a work in progress!). I had to look at each situation as an opportunity for me to work on becoming a more submissive wife. And what I found in the end is that respect + submission = acts of love. That means, when we as wives give our husbands what they need most, respect, they return what we need most, love.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
So what does being submissive REALLY look like? Do I have to do it all the time or only under certain circumstances? In examining the Greek word “hupotasso” which means “submit”, it is the continuing form of the verb. This means that submitting to your husband is not a one-time act. It is a continual attitude, which eventually develops into a behavior.

Submission is not intended to make you, as the wife, feel like a slave. Nor is submission gender specific, as we see in 1 Corinthians 11:2-3 where God commands husbands to submit to Christ as Christ did to God. But before we can do anything, wives we first need to submit to God, which is the only way we can truly obey Him (James 1:21; 4:7). Remember, God created Eve to be a helpmate to Adam, so we know submission is intended to be a loving act and a natural response to loving leadership.

1. EXAMINE YOUR HEART. Do you desire to be a submissive wife?
· Seek to understand what true submission means by reading his Word and pray for Him to transform your attitude into a submissive one. Also, be open to seeking wise counsel from someone you know who is leading my example.

2. EXAMINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP. What if my husband is not submissive to the Lord and he does things God would not want me to submit to?
· A woman can have a submissive spirit even when saying “no” and refusing to go along with sin. The Lord does not want “weak-willed” women—women who lack the discernment and strength to respond to the right things and in the right way. Godly women do not submit to sin.

3. CONFESS & MOVE FORWARD. Is it too late for me to become submissive if I haven’t been for years?
· It’s never too late to get it right. God’s mercy and grace is so sufficient that he allows us a new opportunity to start over. Take the time to apologize to your husband as well. Humbling yourself is the first step in the right direction.

4. WORK ON IT DAILY.
· Being a submissive wife is a lifestyle, not an event. There will be times when you fall off your horse. But keep working at it. With time, it becomes easier, and dare I say…enjoyable.

Submission is NOT slavery.

Credit: http://www.gotquestions.org/wives-submit.html
http://heartsandlattes.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Be-a-Submissive-Wife

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Seek Wise Counsel

 

LET'S DIVE RIGHT INTO THE NEW YEAR! Is it just me, or does the Black community seem to view marriage counseling as some sort of taboo? "We don't need anyone telling us what to do! This is OUR marriage!" Yet, when OUR marriage ends in divorce, a JUDGE ends up telling us what to do anyway (how ironic!). The Bible advises that we seek wise counsel in Proverbs 11:14, "Where there is no guidance, the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory."

 

The good news is that seeking wise counsel can save our marriages in the long run. As my friend, Michael Nelson, eloquently put it, "We experience our breakthrough as we work through.
{MY LESSON}
I remember how exciting it was planning our wedding. Every cosmetic detail received special attention to ensure our day was perfect. But it wasn't the planning for our wedding day that laid the foundation for what we have now almost 8 years later. It was the planning for our days AFTER the wedding. Tristen and I eagerly attended not 1...not 2...but 3 different marriage conferences, in addition to our counseling sessions. Overkill you ask? Well let's just say that going into marriage without any formal counseling is like taking the bar exam without having studied and expecting to pass. Not wise!

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
You don't have to wait until your marriage is on the rocks before seeking counseling. In fact, the best time to go is when things are going well and you just want a little tune-up.

1. PREPARE. First, come to agreement that seeking wise counsel is vital to the success of your marriage.
2. PLAN. Plan to attend at least 1 marriage conference, retreat or counseling session this year with your spouse. Doing this yearly, even better.
3. PARTICIPATE. You don't have to be the life of the party, but do actively participate in the counseling session. Keep an open mind. Take notes. Learn something new.
4. PRACTICE. Put lessons learned to work as soon as you get home. Don't save it for next week, next month...next year. Do it while everything is fresh on your mind.

There's nothing like starting the new year with a clean slate and the exciting feeling of becoming a better person. Though most of us focus on improving in the external areas (i.e. complete degree, lose weight, save money, etc.) let's challenge ourselves to spend an equal amount of time on improving our marriage.

Seek Wise Counsel in 2015.

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Embrace Change

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." –2 Corinthians 5:17

“I’ve been like this my whole life! I’M NOT CHANGING!” Hopefully, you will never have to hear your spouse say this to you, but chances are (if she’s human), she will say it at least once during your marriage. Usually when one says they can’t/won’t change something, it’s because they are afraid of what the change will produce. But one thing in marriage that is inevitable is CHANGE. Marriages go through seasons, and seasons change. A sure sign of a healthy marriage is the couple’s ability to adapt to these changes.
 

 

                                                                     {
MY LESSON}
I have long legs. Never thought this would turn into an issue until one day,  Tristen brought it to my attention that I often walked in front of him instead of alongside him. My initial response was defensive, “I have long legs, so naturally, I have wider strides. Keep up!” Though I wasn’t intentionally walking in front of him, this really bothered him. I insisted that he was walking too slowly, but after I started to realize how upset this made him, I began looking for a solution.

When you find yourself struggling with change, no matter how big or small, that means that it’s time to start relying on God. When I began praying and seeking God on the matter, He made my heart more sensitive towards Tristen’s concern and gave me ways to help combat the issue. As with any habit, it doesn’t change overnight and you may find yourself slipping back into it periodically. But after much prayer and a desire to improve in this area, I do better with walking alongside Tristen.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
When tackling this CC’s Pieces, it’s important to keep in mind that it’s not about being right and proving your partner wrong. It’s about compromise and being willing to make a change for the betterment of your marriage.

1. Ask yourself, “What’s one thing that my spouse really desires that I change?”

2. Seek God on the issue and ask him to give you the desire to change. You have to want to change before you can start seeing a true change.

3. Let your partner know that you understand their concern and that you have a desire to change. This step is important because your partner needs to be aware that you are working on the issue. Usually, he will give you room while you’re adjusting to the change.

4. Get to work! Try different methods if the first method doesn’t work. If it’s important to your partner, don’t give up until you find a solution!

Embrace Change. It’s not going anywhere.

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Know Your Purpose

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
–Jeremiah 1:5

So when are ya’ll getting married? DONE. So when are ya’ll buying a house? DONE. So when are ya’ll having a baby? DONE. So when are ya’ll having ANOTHER baby? DONE. So when are ya’ll…HALT! STOP! PINEAPPLES! What the heck is going on here? The pressure to do everything and to be everything is starting to weigh on me.

Ever had that conversation with yourself? The truth is, most of us won’t admit to it because we don’t want to disappoint someone else (sometimes, our own spouse). But let’s take a moment to stop. Take a deep breath. Whatever season you’re in—singlehood, married, widowed, divorced, parenting, caring for an elderly parent---if you are seeking to live God’s purpose, then you are RIGHT WHERE HE WANTS YOU TO BE.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I spent the first 6 years of our marriage dodging the “when are you going to have a baby” question. I have to admit, some of our friends were pretty convincing, “You two would be AWESOME parents!” and “There’s nothing like having your own baby. You will never be the same.” AND my favorite, “How are you going to pass down your legacy if you don’t have children?” And with the nicest smile we could muster, we kindly responded with... “IT’S NOT OUR MINISTRY!” Some find it selfish, but before you draw that conclusion about someone, make sure you understand the reason for their decision.

Our personal reason for not wanting to have children did not come out of selfishness. It had nothing to do with wanting to pursue our careers over raising a family, ill feelings towards children, or being afraid to raise children. In fact, when we first got married, we agreed to have at least one child. But as we grew together and began to seek our purpose in life, we realized that God had a different calling on our life: to serve and take care of those who are already here on earth. Yes, children are most certainly a gift from God. But He also gives us free will to choose whether or not we want them. There is no biblical injunction that requires anyone to have children, so although children are a gift from God, He can and does bless those who walk with Him by faith, whether or not they are parents.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
First, understand that your marriage is a ministry. People are watching to see how you handle life’s throws, and they need to see that there is still hope for having a successful marriage. Have a very open conversation with your spouse about your purpose as a married couple. Maybe it’s to help at risk youth. Or it could be to mentor and counsel younger married couples. For others, it could be to serve in the community and address social injustices. Whatever it is, get a very clear understanding of God's purpose…and then live it out confidently.

Know your purpose. And then live it confidently.

Credit: http://www.gotquestions.org/should-I-have-children.html

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Soft Place to Land

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. –Proverbs 31:11
 

 

 

Ever wonder why some people stay so late at work? Ever thought that it could be because they don’t want to go home? As sad as it sounds, there are some people who dread going home. Though the reasons vary, it usually has something to do with their

relationship with their spouse. For some, it’s a nagging or quarrelsome partner. For others, it’s a lack of feeling appreciated. In a world filled with so much uncertainty and inconsistency, it’s important to have a soft place to land in your partner.

{MY LESSON}
In 2007, my mentor shared this precious nugget with me that has molded our marriage: “Be Tristen’s soft place to land.” At the time, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that. But as life handed us triumphs and trials, I learned how to be a consistent supporter, encourager, listener and friend.

He lost his job. He got a speeding ticket. He forgot to pick up the milk. He didn’t get the promotion. He got a pay cut. No matter what life hands him, it’s important for your life partner to know that he has a soft place to land. This doesn’t mean that as his wife you won’t be disappointed or get upset with him. But it does mean that you won’t dwell on the matter and hold it over his head for the rest of his life. If the tables were turned, we would certainly want the same grace.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
1. CHOOSE to be his soft place to land. This will require some effort if you’re not used to it. Take small steps.

2. CHOOSE to stay calm and not get angry when he delivers bad news. He’s already feeling bad about the matter and dreads letting you down.

3. OFFER encouragement. Take the time to put a kind sticky note in his lunch. Send him a text during the day letting him know you’re proud of him. Cook his favorite meal just because.

4. RESPECT him. Real men live by a universal code centered around respect. The greatest way to show him that you’re on his side is to respect him.

As with all of my CC’s Pieces, I encourage you to be the change you want to see. If you desire for your partner to be your soft place to land, become theirs first. Marriage takes work. The good news is that with time, some of this will become second nature to you and you’ll desire to keep your spouse happy.

Be each other’s soft place to land.

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Goals for Your Marriage

“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” –Proverbs 29:18
 

Every year around this time, we begin scribbling out our New Year’s resolutions—exercise more, find a mate, save more. Ironically, very few couples take the time to sit down together to plan their marriage goals. This is mostly because we have the mindset that once we get married, everything else will be fine and we will live happily ever after. But if you’re married, you know that it takes work to keep this boat afloat! Statistics show that nearly 50% of U.S. marriages end in divorce. This is largely because couples spend more time tending to everything else, but neglect the very thing that matters most—their marriage.

{MY LESSON}
Tristen and I started marriage goal planning a few years ago after my ex-boss shared her experience with doing it with her husband. The first time we shared, I was surprised to learn some of Tristen’s goals. I didn’t know that he desired to achieve so much! I realized at that moment how important it was for us to have this annual goal setting for our marriage.

{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
Designate one person to write down the goals and store it somewhere safe to revisit during the year. I usually keep track of it in my phone and email it to Tristen.

1. Individual Goals- lose 50 lbs. by November, get certification by the end of the year, read 1 book per month

2. Household Goals- save $500/month for 6 month safety net, clean out garage by the end of March, cook at least 3 times per week

3. Marriage goals- This is the time to ask yourselves, “What do I want my relationship to look like?” Set aside 1 hour of quality time in the evening where no cell phones are allowed, be intimate at least 3 times per week, put into practice 1 CC’s Pieces per week

The objective is to list 2-4 goals under each category. Keeping the list short increases the likelihood of achieving your goals because you’re able to focus on a few things at a time. It’s also important to be specific and quantify your goals as much as possible (i.e. lose 50 lbs. by November). Don’t forget to discuss what obstacles may come up when working towards your goals and possible solutions!

Marriage does not have to be a struggle. Setting goals in your marriage is just as important as setting your professional and personal goals. In fact, your marriage should take first priority over your career, finances and children. Ultimately, your relationship with your spouse will determine how successful you are outside of the home. So, let’s start a new annual tradition: setting marriage goals.

Don’t forget. Plan goals for your marriage.

Credit: http://www.goalsettingstrategies.com/goals_for_marriages.html

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Thank You

“…in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” –1Thessalonianas 5:18

How much does a “thank you” cost these days? Oh, it’s free, you say? Well great! Your spouse would like to hear it more often, and not just only on your anniversary, birthday, and Christmas. He would like to hear it whenever he takes out the trash. Whenever he makes the bed. Whenever he helps the k...ids with their homework. Whenever he changes the lightbulb in the bedroom. WHENEVER he does something to make your life easier as his wife.

Somewhere between jumping the broom and putting the kids through college, showing appreciation starts to dwindle. Perhaps we assume that our mate already knows how much we appreciate them. Or maybe we think, “He’s supposed to do that—it’s his responsibility as the head of the household!” But just like you never get tired of him telling you that you’re beautiful…he never gets tired of hearing “thank you.”

 

{MY LESSON}
The most valuable lesson that I’ve learned is that positive reinforcement creates good habits, not asking him over and over again to do something. At first, I thought

Tristen just didn’t want to take out the trash. He knew that trash days were on Tuesdays and Fridays. But the truth was when he leaves to go to work, he has a lot on his mind and taking the trash out to the curb isn’t one of them. So I started dragging the trashcan to the middle of the garage to remind him that it was trash day. That helped a lot, but when I started sending him text messages that said, “I appreciate you taking out the trash today”, he instantaneously started remembering to take out the trash on his own! Wa-la! It’s magic!
 
{PUT IT INTO ACTION}
This will probably be the easiest CC’s Pieces to put into action because there’s only one thing you have to do: JUST SAY IT. Never underestimate the power of a “thank you”. Showing sincere appreciation goes much further than complaining or not showing any thanks at all. Just think about how your heart warms when your child squeals, “Thanks mommy!”

{DIGGING A LITTLE DEEPER}
Our Black men have a number of odds working against them, so when one decides to get married and work hard to do the right thing by his family, that is to be CELEBRATED. Our men can’t hear “thank you” enough. He may never tell you, but as his wife, you must remember that he too needs to feel appreciated. So if you’re having trouble with getting your beau to do his part, start giving out free thank-you’s and watch him transform into the husband and father you prayed for him to be.

No one ever gets tired of hearing “Thank You”.

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